SPOKEN LIKE A WIFE...I THINK TOO MUCH LIKE A WIFE...

I WILL NOT – (This Is A Work/Truth/Declaration In Progress…)

I will not let how you treat me define how I love you
I will not let how you hurt me define how I treat you
I will not let your cruelty alter who I am, or control how I behave
I will not let your belittling of me to justify your choices
Define me or lessen my sense of self worth
I will not let lies conceived in pain and anger
Fester and become truth in my heart
I will not let what I see in the moment
Destroy my hope and faith in the future
I will not allow the acting out of the wounded inner child
Blind my memory to the loving, beautiful adult
That still exists beneath your walls of defense
I will not cling to a human security blanket – new or old
To repress my feelings, or numb myself to you
In an effort to avoid some painful truth
I will not let words purposefully left unspoken
Devalue all that has been shared and understood
I will not let the pain of your publicized anger
Drive the truth of your love from my soul
I will not let pride and shame make me lie, even to myself
I will not let poor communiqué, or lack thereof
Be the sole excuse for the loss of my dearest friend
I will not let fear of pain, or fear of failure
Force me to cower from the most virtuous of battles
I will not let small, momentary defeats beat the fight out of my heart
I will not let my heart declare a crime scene and close indefinitely
I will not let my words be misspoken in anger and frustration
Even when cruel words are spewed at me
I will not be too proud to forgive without penalty,
To say I’m sorry – even when I am not at fault
If that’s what it takes to create peace and restore balance
I will not let my intellect overrule the truth in my heart
I will not overreact in self defense
When you lash out at me in hurt disguised as venom
I will not fail to see your truth through your layers of disguise
I will not focus on the surface of your deeds,
Failing to hear what it is that your frustrated heart
Cannot find the words or courage to say
I will not feed into your self defeated, subconscious sabotage of us
I will not fight with you just because you incite me to wrath
I will not ignore the truth within my soul
Even if is defied by what you say and do, and all I see
I will not let your pain push me permanently away
I will not turn my back on you, when in my heart I know that you need me
I will not be afraid to love without boundaries
To hold your hand and walk through hell without a safety net
To be your silent strength in the battle for your soul
Or love you from a prayerful distance
While you conquer your demons, one by one
If that’s what it takes to make you whole
I will not fear the consequences
Of being true to myself, or my heart
I will not bail out on you,
Even in the face of your abandonment of me
I will not give up on you, in spite of the fact
That you don’t even seem to see or know me anymore
I will not stop loving you merely because it is inconvenient
Just because it hurts; for lack of reciprocity…
And even though my heart is breaking, and it feels like hell:
I will not take the easy way out.

I will not change
I will not falter
I will not pretend
I will not repress
I will not deny
I will not run
I will not hide
I will not lie
I will not fade
I will not bend
I will not break
I will not…

I will not.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

SUBSTITUTE

YOU USED ME AS 
A SUBSTITUTE
TO FILL YOU UP; 
TO MAKE YOU WHOLE
YOU USED ME AS 
YOUR SUBSTITUTE
`CAUSE I’M THE ONE 
WHO FEEDS YOUR SOUL

THOUGH THE DELUSIONS SEEM SO REAL
BECAUSE YOUR FEAR 
HIDES TRUTH FROM THEE
STILL IN THE END, 
TIME WILL REVEAL
FOR YOU, 
THE SUBSTITUTE IS SHE.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

PEDESTAL

I put you on a pedestal

‘Cause I thought you could do no wrong

I put you on a pedestal

'Cause at your worst, you meant no harm

I put you on a pedestal

It seemed we’d have a different end

I put you on a pedestal

Because we started out as friends

I held you high above the earth

Refused to see you weighed me down

I held you up with all my might

'Til I collapsed, broken and bound

My arms weren’t strong enough for two

Especially with you kicking me

Realizing now, you held me down

Because that’s where you needed me

I put you on a pedestal

Heart’s love too much to dwell on faults

I put you on a pedestal

Love was too big to count the costs

I put you on a pedestal

Not seeing that’s where I belonged

You placed yourself above reproach

Finessed me with the same sad song

“It wasn’t me, I’m not at fault”

You never could admit your blame

That pedestal, now cracked in two

Light seeps through, shining on your shame

I put you on a pedestal

Pretending not to see the truth

And when I took you off that mount

The light emerged and I saw you

You see in truth, I knew your kind

Cruel, cowardly duality

I took you off that pedestal

And the one lifted up was ME

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH

(Written 4 Me)

a beautiful lie

the beautiful lie
the lie that was told in an effort to build me up
but instead ended up tearing me down.
the lie that was told out of pure passion.
you know that thing that people say
when they`re inside you.
in side you.
because inside you feels soooo good?
so right?
how could it possibly be a lie?
how could what i`m feeling right now
be but a mirage
filled with water, wine, and plentiful fruits
placed strategically
in the desert of confusion and uncertainty
only to deceive my foolish heart
and my childish mind?
it`s so beautiful i can barely stand to see it
look into it`s eyes.
because in those eyes i see
sincerity and honesty
unmatched by any other eyes
i have been blessed to behold.
honestly
i won`t lie to you
how could any fallacy dwell
behind those ocular windows to ones soul?
i saw your soul.
and i still see it.
it is a startling angelic beauty
that couldn`t possibly
be misleading me and my truthful heart.
i mean, in my prophetic sight
i am incapable of being fooled.
so was it all really just a lie?
or am i lying to myself in order
not to see my own truth(s)?
i don`t know.
but what i do know is that
each moment spent
each beautiful lie that
my mind is telling me i was told,
my heart believed.
and truthfully in my third eye`s sight,
i know i saw what i thought i saw,
and it was not a mirage.
i felt what i thought i felt
and the most beautiful lie ever told
was never a lie
at all.

PrettyTomboy Ent. ©2005


AND MY REPLY:

(Written In Response To "A Beautiful Lie" After Ultimate Betrayal...)

The beautiful truth in coming out of the dark
Is that, while damaged, I am not broken
And I will heal without scars
I am no less beautiful or amazing than I was before you
I am no mirage – and the truth of who I am is far greater than you ever imagined
And your mere words can never take that away

Your lies, instability, self hatred and cruelty don’t change the sum of me –
They only rot the core of you
After all: “A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”
And I have never changed…

My hypnotic eyes, the windows to my soul are still full of a truth and honesty
Honesty unmatched by any you have ever been blessed to behold
Nor will again
My angelic soul is still the most beautiful you have ever seen…
And knowing this beautiful truth; this is what destroys you from the inside
This is what devours your peace
This is why, in spite of all
The woman you claim was just a mirage
Is still in the front of your mind – tormenting your sense of logic
Floating around in your thoughts, your dreams, and your words
Defying all you think you know
Unmatched by ANY other woman on Earth
Because for the first time, you were led entirely by truth
You were led out of confusion
And your mind knew true peace
Because your spirit led the way…

No. The most beautiful lie ever told was never a lie at all
Because I never hid myself from you
Nor was there any falsehood
In my presentation: or my love
I am what I am – and always will be
Sadly – a beautiful lie can never be a beautiful truth
If truth is not honored by all

I will not fight you, or fight for you
Because LOVE and TRUTH are the only things in this world
Worth fighting for
And you gave up that battle long ago
Long before you ever had the courage to tell me
Because you still don’t have the courage to tell me…

So I can only live for myself
And I can only live for today
And as the pain subsides
And Anger is no longer my motivating force
Beyond the disappointment in who you have become
OR the horror and disbelief of
Having been deceived about everything you are
Everything you ever said; ever felt; or ever shared with me
I feel very little but sadness for the road you have chosen
As I know, in the end, it will harm you more
Than you can ever damage me –
Though not for your lack of trying

So make me the villain
Pretend that you are not living a lie
Pretend you haven’t known the truest and rarest of loves
Pretend that nothing we shared was ever real
Because that is safe, and that is convenient
Take the easy way out
Add another scar to that already damaged soul of yours
One more woman you are not over
One more relationship you are not healed from
One more sheet, one more layer to keep you from having the real thing
Go ahead, pretend I was not the real thing
Be a coward, be cruel,
Pull me close in anger; push me away with calloused words
Because you’ve not the courage to say “I was wrong”
Because you have not the courage to right the wrongs of your past
Because you do not have the courage to heal or battle your demons
Because you haven’t the courage to live your dreams or pursue
A Higher Standard – a higher purpose, a deeper truth, a spiritual love

At least, in your cowardice, mask your truth enough that it does not
Come back to haunt you, when the inevitable failure of what is not meant
(As what does not work, will NOT work…)
Has beaten you down – and you reach for the ghost
Now standing where I once stood

Transfer your injurious energy onto me, make it all my fault
Act out in anger! – Instead of expressing the truth: the painful loss you feel
In knowing that I am no longer within your reach

Make me less than I am – because that makes the lie more bearable
I can bare it – I bore you –
And I am no worse for the wear
I am still magnificent,
Still a blinding light in darkness that everyone can see
Even if your lies have repressed your sense of sight and truth
I am still beyond all that you ever have or will ever know
You have always known, always acknowledged that…
Even if you play make-believe now

I will remain the standard and in time
The truth of who and what I was will haunt you
But then, it will be much too late…
It already is.
I will never trust you.
I will never believe your eyes.
I will never receive your words.
My heart will never open to you.
My love will never be fully yours.
Again.

So here is to love
That is: That could’ve been
That never fully was
And the beautiful truth
Which illuminates my path with grace
And leads me into righteousness
The beautiful truth which lets me love you still
In spite of yourself – in spite of my pain
Not as a lover, but as the ghost who will live in my prayers
Until you are whole

Thank you…for the moments…for the lesson…
If it were not for your ability to make me see forever in your eyes
When I was really nothing more than an infatuation, a distraction
Someone used to get by, to get through
The rough parts of a relationship doomed to fail…
I would never know that someone COULD lie with their eyes
And that is indeed something to know…

It’s alright now…I am home again – back on my path – walking in truth
And the truth feels so good – so right…inside me
Inside me
And I know that this is where I belong…


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -