Yesterdays, Sundays, And The World That Once Was...

Well, It's Sunday...

And I'm Remembering What An Exciting Thing That Once Was For Me...In Spite Of The Too Frequent Jealousy And/Or Cruelty Of Church Folks Who Too Often Were Threatened By Anything Different Or Free...(And, I Was Born Both Different And Free)...

And, I Am Saddened.

Not For The Less Than Ideal Memories Of People In Their Lack Of Kindness (And, A Great Many, In Retrospect Were Kinder Than My Child's Mind Realized, Even If They Were The Minority) — But, Because What Once Was My Home, Sanctuary, Safety; The World That Bore Me And For The First Half Of My Life Was The Only World I'd Ever Known; The Place Where I Once Felt God In Potent Doses That Forever Shaped My Relationship With My Creator — Now Reminds Me Of Nothing More Than The Facade Of The Painted Smile On A Fading China Doll In A Well Rehearsed Cage. Impotent. Lifeless. Usually Godless In It's Presentation. Ritual For Ritual's Sake. An Elaborate Weekly Social Event. The Celebration Of People, Leaders, Clothes And Materials...VANITY. Bad Theology And Faulty Doctrine That Has Long Forgotten It's Origins In Love, In Help, In Selfless-ness, Service And Sacrifice... — Has Long Forgotten The Most Basic Christian Premise Of Them All:

GOD IS LOVE. 

What I Wouldn't Give To Travel Back In Time As The Woman I Am Now To The Experience That Once Molded The Little Girl Who Will Eternally Live Inside Of Her. To Feel Something Real In The Midst Of A Service; Godly, Spiritual, Without Motive, Greed, Narcissism Or Manipulation... People Who Just Really Loved God, Loved Revelling In His Presence, And Even, On Occasion, When It Really Counted, Loved Each Other... In A Genuine, Tangible Way...

To Worship The God Of My Understanding In Freedom, Spirit And In Truth Sans Hypocrisy Or Judgement. 

It Leaves Me Feeling Homeless; Empty... "Like A Motherless Child A Long Way From Home". Disconnected From My Roots, And, Thus, Sometimes From Myself.

—Wishing I Could Somehow Bridge My Dual Worlds, My Two Halves, My Intellect With My Core, My Experience In This World Beyond Those Walls With The Profound And Powerful Foundation Established Within Them... A Fusion Of Tangible And Intangible, Flesh And Spirit. A Full Spiritual Eclipse — A Total Integration Of My Whole Self And Not Just My Socially Or Religiously Acceptable Pieces. Resolution For Cognitive Dissonance And Existential Crisis Juxtaposed The Moments Of Absolute Certainty Spent In The Undeniable Presence Of God, Bathed In His Spirit And His Love. Without Limit. 

I'm Left Wishing For; Wanting So Many Things When I Remember Way Back Then...Wishing I Had Something To Look Forward To Come Week's End: A Replenishing, An Uplifting, The Sheer Possibility Of Being Left Somehow Richer, Stronger And Better Than I Was Found. Restored, Renewed, Hopeful, Exponentially Growing Faith... Instead, I Always Find Myself Having To Draw Inspiration From Looking Behind...

But, Sadly, I Never, Ever Look Forward.......

To Sundays.

And, After All Of These Years, It Still Hurts...

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CHURCH GIRL 
 (VERSE I) Dipped in water, preacher's daughter Read your entire Holy Grail Started to question all this oppression Why your religion seems to fail Tired of lies and all your jaded views And, now that I'm living in truth I see that truth don't live in you 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broke down Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And, though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VERSE II) Mama said that if a long skirt Could cover up a black heart We would all go to Heaven The pastor's hotel key Was given to me Long before puberty began Manipulating my mind for your own gain Well, sometimes your temple of God Is nothing more than a house of pain… And shame… 
 (REPEAT CHORUS I)  (CHORUS II) Slandered and My gifts sold But, I never was made whole They didn't just break my spirit They ripped out my soul  Been jaded Mind abused 'Til there was nothing left to lose And though I may not live like you I'm still a church girl 
 (BRIDGE) I used to think that the church Was a place for the spiritually ill Since all our souls are weary from this life A place where hearts could heal But, in my desperation Church folk never yielded higher ground It wasn't until I turned and walked away True faith in God I found 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broken Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VAMP OUT) I still believe in the body Just don't believe in the building (Repeat to Fade) 
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