EVEN IF

(Beginning Stages Of A Work In Progress)

Even if I wanted to touch you
I fear that the pain you've caused me
Flows like poison through my veins
And I've grown a Scorpions tail
Ready and able to sting at will
Sending that poison back to it's original destination
And through your system like a deadly flash
And it alone does the bidding
Of the love I feel, once felt, for you

Even if I wanted to forgive you
The memories of all your wrong
Overwhelm my scarred soul and severed heart pieces
Bound together only by the ice
That once encased yours
Transferring your hurt, hate and pain to me
And left me to rot

Even if I wanted to love you again
My head now rules my once unruly heart
And in my most incredulous imaginings
I can't even conceive of allowing myself
To disrespect myself, to deny myself
By giving in to your whims just because
This well runs dry
Or to think that you really
Could have changed in such a short time


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

Someone Else's Words Spoke My Utmost Truth...

Someone on DL wrote these words...and they were SO true...they pierced my soul quite unexpectedly...because they could have come from my heart, from my lips, though not with the same eloquence and this woman - who is a writer by trade...but we share this truth none-the-less and I wanted to record it here so I could reference it when I need to...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucky

Tell Me I'm The Only One...

Conversations, though brief, with a friend at a great distance who still remains so very close, so very near to the truth of who I am, hit even closer today in ways that both made me cringe and smile. Cuz it was only put the way it was put because she cares. And because like me she doesn't, can't always, most times chooses not to censor her delivery and I love her for it.

So she says to me: Kiesh, you just need to be alone right now. You were the abuser.

And maybe she was right. Self-abusing and providing out pent up pain in balls of fists and tears that had to end at some point. When I left, I suppose that's what I was leaving. Without looking back.

I loved and I loved and I loved.
I cried and I cried and I cried.
Until I couldn't anymore.

Though so many pieces of me still desired to if it meant having rather than not-- just a taste, right on the tips of my fingers, toes and tongue of you.

So standing alone now with women around me calling me, desiring shallow and momentary things with me. Wanting everything but me; makes me lonely not for companionship. Not for love and love-making. Not for touches and the warmth of a body curled behind my own come nightfall.

Not to be anyone's distraction. Their pretty girl. Their fleeting novelty and good time.

But for that passion. That us. That trust even when you can't trust. That back and forth and quiet nights we spent in baths by candlelight. Those cold mornings when you said, "don't go" and tucked your feet under mine. That knowing my aggression and anxiety. Those long rides when I was depressed. You seeing my scars and rubbing them with your own...

It takes so long to build those things. To learn. To know. To gradually accept those character blocks I share that make the house of who I am. A year in and I'm finally ready to give you the key, let you enter and roam around freely...cuz I love you. Want you to see how much of a mess I can be. How much I'm equally ready to shelter you...

God I miss that time. Miss those things.
But it makes me sad to realize, to suddenly know...I just don't miss you.

And so I'm left standing alone, taking in what my friend suggested. And I'm comfortable and impatient. I'm confused and remaining so clear. I'm knowing what she said when she said it was real and solid, though heavy to hold.

But I'm hopeful. Ready to be fixed. And live and live and live. So I'll be ready when she comes...

For when she says I'm the only one...


in a harlot's dress
you wear the smile of a child
with the faith of mary magdalene
and you wash the feet of unworthy men
come, and i'll set you free
into an endless valley of fruits
both sweet and sour
and whatever displeases your palate
my Kisses will wash away
stay
if you must dance, dance for me
so blessed are the pure at heart
for they shall see god
so close your eyes and dream
for the world will blind you
and i'll judge not
so that i may not be judged
give me what i want

tell me i'm the only one

meshell n'dgeocello

Shhh: MY SOUL IS SPEAKING...

These words, this song, captures the essence of my being more than anything else in this moment in time. This has always been my favorite Stevie Wonder song, though many people are not familiar with it. It runs as deep as the ocean and swallows the shallowness and deceit of this world and the many cruel people who are allowed to abound in it without conscience. It reflects what is at the heart and soul of me as though Stevie was prophesying what would manifest in my spirit a decade before I was born… It is prophetic in the truth that it declares with a boldness that goes beyond imaginings – and thus over the heads of the masses. And I know that these words hold true – and for me, they hold the balance of what is to come if I maintain that which is:

“The substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen”…

---

THEY WON'T GO WHEN I GO

(Verse I)
No more lying friends
Wanting tragic ends
Though they do pretend
They won't go when I go

All those bleeding hearts
With sorrows to impart
Were right here from the start
And they won't go when I go

(Refrain)
And I'll go where I've longed
To go so long Away from tears

(Verse II)
Gone from painful cries
Away from saddened eyes
Along with him I'll bide
Because they won't go when I go

Big men feeling small
Weak ones standing tall
I will watch them fall
They won't go when I go

(Refrain)

(Bridge)
Unclean minds mislead the pure
The innocent will leave for sure
For them there is a resting place
People sinning just for fun
They will never see the sun
For they can never show their faces
There ain't no room for the hopeless sinner
Who will take more than he will give
Then he will give, he will give
He ain't hardly gonna give

(Verse III)
The greed of man will be
Far away from me
And my soul will be free
They won't go when I go

Since my soul conceived
All that I believe
The kingdom I will see
'Cause they won't go when I go

(End Refrain)
When I go…where I'll go
No one can keep me from: MY DESTINY

THEY WON’T GO WHEN I GO


– Stevie Wonder –

---

My dearest Stevie – My precursory musical soul mate…I cannot even imagine what prompted your soul to open up and pour out these divine words of wisdom, pain, and truth… All I do know is that where ever you were…that is where I now dwell…breaking, dying, being reborn, preparing for the next life…and the next…and the next…until freedom…until…purpose...until destiny unfolds…until…

~A

I Thought I'd Lost These Lyrics...

WITHOUT YOU

(Verse I)
So how are you doing? My best friend asks
Should I answer with cliché?
I tell her I’m fine but, she knows I’m lying
Truth is that I’m not ok
See it’s been a while now, since I’ve smiled now
Since I’ve had a real good day
So I pretend to be happy, truly happy
Ever since you went away
________________________________________

(Refrain)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
BUT INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU
________________________________________

(Verse II)
I walk on the stage and sing my heart out
Like I’ve got something to prove
Don’t want them to see that I'm a mess, babe
'Cause I’m still not over you
I greet the applause, but I’m not there
I’m off rehearsing all your lies
Don't want them to see that my success helps
Me keep all the pain disguised
(Refrain)
________________________________________

(Bridge)
Yesterday I cried
'Cause the pain found itself catching up to me
Then today I smiled
'Cause I'm finally learning how to love me
Sometimes it hurts so bad
That I can’t pick up the phone
Just to tell you ‘bout my day
How did things end up things way?
How could we just walk away?
________________________________________

(Refrain to End)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
THOUGH INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU...

My smile is hiding
That I’m dying here
Without you...


– Copyright 2005 © AnOmali 101 –

AGAIN

(A Work In Progress: For The Demon...)

I gave you my all
When you could not return it
Surrendered my heart
Although you did not earn it
So how could you hurt me again?

I took on your baggage
As though it were my own
And reaped nothing but pain
For the love that I’d sewn
So how could you hurt me again?

Abused by your words
And abused by your hands
Murdered me, in a sense
And yet still, here I stand
So how could you hurt me again?

You punished me for mistakes
Others have made
Your past, the enemy
From which we can’t be saved
So how could you hurt me again?

When your life goes wrong
You persecute me
Send our progress to hell
With no apologies
So how could you hurt me again?

Promised me that this time
You would truly change
You know I’m a diamond
I AM your best friend
So how could you hurt me again?

Put all your needs first
While I sacrificed mine
`Cause you promised me
The moon and stars in due time
So how could you hurt me again?

Begged me not to leave
When my soul walked away
Twisted your string to my heart
And I stayed
So how could you hurt me again?

You crippled my dignity
Buried my pride
And I forgave you
Even after I died
So how could you hurt me again?

You took all I had
Like a thief in the night
All the while telling me
That one day you’d do right
So how could you hurt me again?

Never the priority,
I am never first
Gave you chance after chance
And you just made things worse
So how could you hurt me again?

I cried so many tears
In them you could have drowned
I keep lifting you up
You keep letting me down
So how could you hurt me again?

Asked me for my patience
In spite of your lies
But your heart, it never did
Outgrow your pride
So how could you hurt me again?

Things were rarely my fault
But I took all the blame
Manned up and said sorry
And incurred your shame
So how could you hurt me again?

You begged for the chance
To prove your love was true
Against everything in me
I gave one to you
So how could you hurt me again?

Letting go is sometimes harder
Then holding on
You have made love unsafe
We’re way past right and wrong
So how could you hurt me again?

Banged my head on the brick wall
That you call a heart
When it seemed it was open
You ripped me apart
So how could you hurt me again?

And this is the pattern
On constant repeat
Your fears, your dysfunction
Beat the hell out of me
So how could you hurt me again?

But I wouldn’t be stopped
From believing in you
While you held onto HER
I was your unwitting fool
So how could you hurt me again?

Even through all of this
You asked me to stay
Endured all your sh*t
What a price I have paid
So how could you hurt me again?

Unconditional love
Was the promised reward
But on you I’ve spent more
Than I’ll ever afford
So how could you hurt me again?

Denied and rejected
Then finally scorned
My mind was made up
Although my heart was torn
So how could you hurt me again?

As I finally find courage
To just walk away
And you cry and ask why
All there is left to say is:

How could you hurt me again?


– Copyright 2005 © AnOmali 101 –

---

Just sharing my truth at the moment... - 'A'

A Ton Of Bricks...

A ton of bricks is on my head
That is the weight that was left on me when you went away
So much like a man I'll never truly know
So many gifts, and a strangeness that this cruel world can't comprehend
Preferring to destroy me rather than hear or know the truth I bring
The weight of all you were meant to do - poured upon my head
The weight of all of your sins, now tormenting me
Your demons now following me
Stalking the dreams that we share
Still looking for a love that is as real and as pure and as true
As the one I was denied from you...

Rest in Peace...

Love Always,


Your Little Girl

Clipped Wings(A Collab I Began w/ The Ladies Of Mocha)

CLIPPED WINGS

Someone clipped my wings and took with them my belief that we could fly…
Someone took my faith, and it’s like living in a dream waiting to die
Someone stole my hope and left me fearful, waiting for what would come next
Someone stole my mind, and left me wading, saddened, lifeless and perplexed

Someone crushed my heart, no thought given to how that would affect my life
Someone killed my dreams; in one moment, there was no hope left in sight
Someone stole my sense, my ability to make a better choice
Someone stole my rights, refused to see me or to hear my voice

Someone spoke death in my ears, not realizing the power of the tongue
Someone blessed me with a curse, not karma, just denial of the sun
Someone taught me to believe, that in our love, there’s no way we could lose
Someone said don’t make one a priority if you’re not what they choose

Someone once said all is fair in love, and all is fair in love and war
Someone also said time heals all wounds and time will even up the score
Someone helped me learn the truth, that sometimes love with all just ain’t enough
Someone disproved that theory; sometimes loving with your all is just too much

You see love had me blinded, had me crawling like a serpent in the night...
Like an eagle in the wind, my fragile spirit knew I had to take first flight...
Now I soar alone, high, above, beyond unseen forgotten plains...
Temptation had the best of me, but I know I can’t turn back again...
My wings which are my armor-bold, vivid, lucid, strong that were once clipped...
Your robust winds took me on this crazy, dreamlike, egotistical trip...
Now this journey between love and war has ended, and grey skies are passing over...
I stand one of the few...the proud...
After all you put me through...
I'm still a soldier...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES...

(Dedicated to ALL Those Whose Mission Is To Bring Me Down…)


"The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside the still waters
He restoreth my soul
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies…"

In the presence of mine enemies…
In the presence of my enemies…
...
…
In the presence of my enemies I will fear no evil
See if these words prove true
Than my reward, revenge, karma, fate…
My very rite of passage
Is not in running or in hiding,
Shielding or protecting,
Offense or defense,
In fighting back
Or in my being just beyond their reach
But right in the midst
Of all those who would oppose
And seek to destroy me
Before my destiny can unfold

I dwell amongst them: broken – in humility and resolve
Yearning to strike back
With the venom of divine truth
That would break their spirits far beyond
How they’ve scarred me with their lies
Yet, knowing that if I do not run and hide, or fight
That if I ‘hold my peace’
My reward is most certainly at hand
So in their very presence I won’t cower or pretend
This is where I’ll STAND
Facing death because it’s near
But feeling strength build in my fear
I will not fight and I won’t jeer
I’ll simply stand

“Thou preparest a table before me”…
In the presence of my enemies
Though my instinct is to insulate, shield, duck, run
Fight, hate, kill, shun
To remove myself from impending, repetitive harm…
It is in the very presence of my enemies
That my healing and my victory has begun

Right before their very eyes
I feel the buds of my rewards
Soon to come into full bloom
From the ground they’ll watch me soar

See this battle isn’t fought
With what my naked eyes can see
A foul force seeks to destroy
My divinely ordained destiny

It even hides in faces
Of those I held most dear
Who were only sent to harm me
Keep unGodly spirits near

But my victory will not come
In regression or reprieve
But in the presence of my enemies
God’s vengeance on emotional thieves

There’s no need for me to fight
If my strength’s to be restored
There’s no need for me to run
Time will even up the score

I’ll stand my ground, no fear or shame
And at this table, I will bleed
Because victory is certain
In the very PRESENCE of my enemies…


– Copyright © 2005 AnOmali 101 –

WITHOUT YOU

(Verse I)
So how are you doing?
My best friend asks
Should I answer with cliché?
I answer: I’m fine but,
She knows I’m lying
Truth is that I’m not ok
See it’s been a while now,
Since I’ve smiled now
Since I’ve had a real good day
So I pretend to be happy,
Truly happy
Ever since you went away
________________________________________

(Refrain)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
THOUGH INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU
________________________________________

(Verse II)
I walk on the stage and
Sing my heart out
Like I’ve got something to prove
Don’t want them to see
How much it hurts or
That I’m still not over you
I greet the applause,
But I’m not there
I’m off rehearsing all your lies
And they’ll never see that
My success helps
Me keep all the pain disguised
(Refrain)
________________________________________

(Bridge)
Yesterday I cried
'Cause the pain found itself catching up to me
Then today I smiled
'Cause I'm finally learning how to love me
Sometimes it hurts so bad
That I can’t call just to tell you ‘bout my day
How did it end up this way?
How could we just walk away?
________________________________________

(Refrain to End)
My smile is hiding
That I’m dying here
Without you


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

SPOKEN LIKE A WIFE...I THINK TOO MUCH LIKE A WIFE...

I WILL NOT – (This Is A Work/Truth/Declaration In Progress…)

I will not let how you treat me define how I love you
I will not let how you hurt me define how I treat you
I will not let your cruelty alter who I am, or control how I behave
I will not let your belittling of me to justify your choices
Define me or lessen my sense of self worth
I will not let lies conceived in pain and anger
Fester and become truth in my heart
I will not let what I see in the moment
Destroy my hope and faith in the future
I will not allow the acting out of the wounded inner child
Blind my memory to the loving, beautiful adult
That still exists beneath your walls of defense
I will not cling to a human security blanket – new or old
To repress my feelings, or numb myself to you
In an effort to avoid some painful truth
I will not let words purposefully left unspoken
Devalue all that has been shared and understood
I will not let the pain of your publicized anger
Drive the truth of your love from my soul
I will not let pride and shame make me lie, even to myself
I will not let poor communiqué, or lack thereof
Be the sole excuse for the loss of my dearest friend
I will not let fear of pain, or fear of failure
Force me to cower from the most virtuous of battles
I will not let small, momentary defeats beat the fight out of my heart
I will not let my heart declare a crime scene and close indefinitely
I will not let my words be misspoken in anger and frustration
Even when cruel words are spewed at me
I will not be too proud to forgive without penalty,
To say I’m sorry – even when I am not at fault
If that’s what it takes to create peace and restore balance
I will not let my intellect overrule the truth in my heart
I will not overreact in self defense
When you lash out at me in hurt disguised as venom
I will not fail to see your truth through your layers of disguise
I will not focus on the surface of your deeds,
Failing to hear what it is that your frustrated heart
Cannot find the words or courage to say
I will not feed into your self defeated, subconscious sabotage of us
I will not fight with you just because you incite me to wrath
I will not ignore the truth within my soul
Even if is defied by what you say and do, and all I see
I will not let your pain push me permanently away
I will not turn my back on you, when in my heart I know that you need me
I will not be afraid to love without boundaries
To hold your hand and walk through hell without a safety net
To be your silent strength in the battle for your soul
Or love you from a prayerful distance
While you conquer your demons, one by one
If that’s what it takes to make you whole
I will not fear the consequences
Of being true to myself, or my heart
I will not bail out on you,
Even in the face of your abandonment of me
I will not give up on you, in spite of the fact
That you don’t even seem to see or know me anymore
I will not stop loving you merely because it is inconvenient
Just because it hurts; for lack of reciprocity…
And even though my heart is breaking, and it feels like hell:
I will not take the easy way out.

I will not change
I will not falter
I will not pretend
I will not repress
I will not deny
I will not run
I will not hide
I will not lie
I will not fade
I will not bend
I will not break
I will not…

I will not.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

SUBSTITUTE

YOU USED ME AS 
A SUBSTITUTE
TO FILL YOU UP; 
TO MAKE YOU WHOLE
YOU USED ME AS 
YOUR SUBSTITUTE
`CAUSE I’M THE ONE 
WHO FEEDS YOUR SOUL

THOUGH THE DELUSIONS SEEM SO REAL
BECAUSE YOUR FEAR 
HIDES TRUTH FROM THEE
STILL IN THE END, 
TIME WILL REVEAL
FOR YOU, 
THE SUBSTITUTE IS SHE.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

PEDESTAL

I put you on a pedestal

‘Cause I thought you could do no wrong

I put you on a pedestal

'Cause at your worst, you meant no harm

I put you on a pedestal

It seemed we’d have a different end

I put you on a pedestal

Because we started out as friends

I held you high above the earth

Refused to see you weighed me down

I held you up with all my might

'Til I collapsed, broken and bound

My arms weren’t strong enough for two

Especially with you kicking me

Realizing now, you held me down

Because that’s where you needed me

I put you on a pedestal

Heart’s love too much to dwell on faults

I put you on a pedestal

Love was too big to count the costs

I put you on a pedestal

Not seeing that’s where I belonged

You placed yourself above reproach

Finessed me with the same sad song

“It wasn’t me, I’m not at fault”

You never could admit your blame

That pedestal, now cracked in two

Light seeps through, shining on your shame

I put you on a pedestal

Pretending not to see the truth

And when I took you off that mount

The light emerged and I saw you

You see in truth, I knew your kind

Cruel, cowardly duality

I took you off that pedestal

And the one lifted up was ME

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH

(Written 4 Me)

a beautiful lie

the beautiful lie
the lie that was told in an effort to build me up
but instead ended up tearing me down.
the lie that was told out of pure passion.
you know that thing that people say
when they`re inside you.
in side you.
because inside you feels soooo good?
so right?
how could it possibly be a lie?
how could what i`m feeling right now
be but a mirage
filled with water, wine, and plentiful fruits
placed strategically
in the desert of confusion and uncertainty
only to deceive my foolish heart
and my childish mind?
it`s so beautiful i can barely stand to see it
look into it`s eyes.
because in those eyes i see
sincerity and honesty
unmatched by any other eyes
i have been blessed to behold.
honestly
i won`t lie to you
how could any fallacy dwell
behind those ocular windows to ones soul?
i saw your soul.
and i still see it.
it is a startling angelic beauty
that couldn`t possibly
be misleading me and my truthful heart.
i mean, in my prophetic sight
i am incapable of being fooled.
so was it all really just a lie?
or am i lying to myself in order
not to see my own truth(s)?
i don`t know.
but what i do know is that
each moment spent
each beautiful lie that
my mind is telling me i was told,
my heart believed.
and truthfully in my third eye`s sight,
i know i saw what i thought i saw,
and it was not a mirage.
i felt what i thought i felt
and the most beautiful lie ever told
was never a lie
at all.

PrettyTomboy Ent. ©2005
___________________________

AND MY REPLY:

(Written In Response To "A Beautiful Lie" After Ultimate Betrayal...)

The beautiful truth in coming out of the dark
Is that, while damaged, I am not broken
And I will heal without scars
I am no less beautiful or amazing than I was before you
I am no mirage – and the truth of who I am is far greater than you ever imagined
And your mere words can never take that away

Your lies, instability, self hatred and cruelty don’t change the sum of me –
They only rot the core of you
After all: “A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”
And I have never changed…

My hypnotic eyes, the windows to my soul are still full of a truth and honesty
Honesty unmatched by any you have ever been blessed to behold
Nor will again
My angelic soul is still the most beautiful you have ever seen…
And knowing this beautiful truth; this is what destroys you from the inside
This is what devours your peace
This is why, in spite of all
The woman you claim was just a mirage
Is still in the front of your mind – tormenting your sense of logic
Floating around in your thoughts, your dreams, and your words
Defying all you think you know
Unmatched by ANY other woman on Earth
Because for the first time, you were led entirely by truth
You were led out of confusion
And your mind knew true peace
Because your spirit led the way…

No. The most beautiful lie ever told was never a lie at all
Because I never hid myself from you
Nor was there any falsehood
In my presentation: or my love
I am what I am – and always will be
Sadly – a beautiful lie can never be a beautiful truth
If truth is not honored by all

I will not fight you, or fight for you
Because LOVE and TRUTH are the only things in this world
Worth fighting for
And you gave up that battle long ago
Long before you ever had the courage to tell me
Because you still don’t have the courage to tell me…

So I can only live for myself
And I can only live for today
And as the pain subsides
And Anger is no longer my motivating force
Beyond the disappointment in who you have become
OR the horror and disbelief of
Having been deceived about everything you are
Everything you ever said; ever felt; or ever shared with me
I feel very little but sadness for the road you have chosen
As I know, in the end, it will harm you more
Than you can ever damage me –
Though not for your lack of trying

So make me the villain
Pretend that you are not living a lie
Pretend you haven’t known the truest and rarest of loves
Pretend that nothing we shared was ever real
Because that is safe, and that is convenient
Take the easy way out
Add another scar to that already damaged soul of yours
One more woman you are not over
One more relationship you are not healed from
One more sheet, one more layer to keep you from having the real thing
Go ahead, pretend I was not the real thing
Be a coward, be cruel,
Pull me close in anger; push me away with calloused words
Because you’ve not the courage to say “I was wrong”
Because you have not the courage to right the wrongs of your past
Because you do not have the courage to heal or battle your demons
Because you haven’t the courage to live your dreams or pursue
A Higher Standard – a higher purpose, a deeper truth, a spiritual love

At least, in your cowardice, mask your truth enough that it does not
Come back to haunt you, when the inevitable failure of what is not meant
(As what does not work, will NOT work…)
Has beaten you down – and you reach for the ghost
Now standing where I once stood

Transfer your injurious energy onto me, make it all my fault
Act out in anger! – Instead of expressing the truth: the painful loss you feel
In knowing that I am no longer within your reach

Make me less than I am – because that makes the lie more bearable
I can bare it – I bore you –
And I am no worse for the wear
I am still magnificent,
Still a blinding light in darkness that everyone can see
Even if your lies have repressed your sense of sight and truth
I am still beyond all that you ever have or will ever know
You have always known, always acknowledged that…
Even if you play make-believe now

I will remain the standard and in time
The truth of who and what I was will haunt you
But then, it will be much too late…
It already is.
I will never trust you.
I will never believe your eyes.
I will never receive your words.
My heart will never open to you.
My love will never be fully yours.
Again.

So here is to love
That is: That could’ve been
That never fully was
And the beautiful truth
Which illuminates my path with grace
And leads me into righteousness
The beautiful truth which lets me love you still
In spite of yourself – in spite of my pain
Not as a lover, but as the ghost who will live in my prayers
Until you are whole

Thank you…for the moments…for the lesson…
If it were not for your ability to make me see forever in your eyes
When I was really nothing more than an infatuation, a distraction
Someone used to get by, to get through
The rough parts of a relationship doomed to fail…
I would never know that someone COULD lie with their eyes
And that is indeed something to know…

It’s alright now…I am home again – back on my path – walking in truth
And the truth feels so good – so right…inside me
Inside me
And I know that this is where I belong…


— Copyright © AnOmali 101 

A SIMPLE TRUTH...

I MISS: Your voice – the way it softened the moment, every moment we connected…the way it melted whenever you heard me say your name… the way it broke with yearning when we were not near…the urgency…how we couldn’t go more than a few hours without saying “I want you”–“I need you”–“I miss you”–“I love you”–or all at once…over and over…making me feel you – inside of me – even against my will…making you feel me inside you – we were one…

Your arms – the way you would squeeze me, you held me so tightly, squeezing just a little tighter making sure I knew you weren’t quite ready to let go…that you would never be ready to let go…

Your kiss – the softest lips in the world – your taste – your gentle need, your hungry passion – the way when you began to kiss me, I became your addiction – you would stop, pull away – come back – stop, pull away – come back – over and over…needing me more with every taste…with every touch – and every kiss was a little like making love…and making love in every way was the prelude to our first kiss…

The way you would take a deep breath when my words penetrated you…unwittingly melting me, trying to hide it, but letting me know beyond your words or actions how ready you were for me – how ripe…how anxious – to have me in every way and all that entailed…

How you stared through me – taking me in – as if you could not get enough of me – as if there was not another woman in the world – and if there were you would never notice – because you were so full, so completed – by me – exclusively. The way our eyes locked – even in moments of anger – seeing into souls that were too connected not to see beneath the surface – beyond the moment – into the face of the purest love that ever was…

Your beautiful thoughts – often spoken out loud for the first time – and only to me. Your humility in sharing your brilliance – as if you had some doubt in the regard with which I held you, that I would judge your abstract, random, childlike, gorgeous way of being…I only ever labeled you: exquisite.

The way you pulled me close just at the moment you would explode…sharing with me every shudder, every moan, all of your soul…all of your strength…all of you…trembling in my arms…calling out for me, pulling me closer…holding me so tightly to you – as if to shield our union from the world – protecting our oneness with all your might…as if you knew that the whole world would always be against us – as if you knew the worth of what we shared outweighed the whole world if we just held on tight enough, as one… If only you would fight for us now – the way you fought for us then…

Your laughter: laughing at my silly antics and dumb ideas – laughing in the sheer pleasure of the moments we shared – appreciating, genuinely liking one another – genuinely enjoying one another – not just in love – but in such profound ‘like’ – laughing with you until I convulsed and my eyes filled with tears…at the simplest, most ridiculous things…

Being the one thing that made you smile the moment you woke up in the morning…even when times were hard and your day had been long…knowing that I was the source of so many of your smiles in spite of all else…you glowed for me…so often thoughts, memories of you are still the source of my soft, fleeting smiles…

Or just being the first thought of your day, as I groggily awoke from dreaming of you, after having fallen asleep to the sound of your voice – and the phone began to ring with no need for caller ID because I could feel you even in my sleep…

Your softness – how you let me hold the side of you the rest of the world doesn’t know exists…the little child that still needs to be held, and stroked, and touched, and protected – and loved beyond measure – at the core of you. And I did – God, how I did…

The way I felt the presence of God in our love…untainted, pure…in a way that made me know He was pleased – that our love came from the truest place…and was just as from everlasting to everlasting as it’s Creator – having been forged before the dawn of time only to manifest in this wicked world – in the face of all that opposed it – strong, undying...

Never being bored or annoyed or tired of you or me or us…never knowing where our road would lead us. Not fearing anything about the future except for a life apart…being certain, sure, that we had forever in front of us – and being so ravenously in love that a lifetime would never be enough…

I–Ache–For–You. In every way imaginable…beyond the things I miss, I yearn for every inch of you, every part of you, body and soul, mind and spirit, aching from my head to my toes – not excluding any part in between…aching until it hurts…it physically hurts. It hurts so excruciatingly until I don’t want to feel…

I ache because I can still feel you…because I feel you with me always. A connection forged before time began cannot be destroyed in a matter of weeks, months, years, and all of the pretending, substituting, fighting myself, or bad acting in the world – doesn’t make it go away.

I ache because I can no longer say every time I want to – every time I feel it…every time I need to make you know – to express that which consumes me…constantly and always:

I want you…I need you…I miss you…I love you.

I ache because my pride isn’t strong enough to resist the urgency to whisper once more, with all my heart, even if you never hear me, to express that which I am not supposed to even remember or feel or know…anymore...and be it ever so inappropriate in your now regulated world where the expression of true love is not allowed…

I WANT YOU...I NEED YOU…I MISS YOU…I LOVE YOU…

My love will ALWAYS overrule my pride and fight for you.
My heart will ALWAYS disobey my head and wait for you.
It will never care where you have been. It will never care how long you were gone…
It only cares that you are not near, that it feels empty, and hollow, and void of any purpose – without you.

And no matter how angry, or hurt, or broken it may be…no matter what is, or is to come,
It will always
Always
ALWAYS
Welcome you

Home.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

So Sorry

So sorry for being everything that you ever wanted or needed in a woman before you were ready to handle the real thing. I should have known that when you are used to having what’s common – you can’t truly handle an ‘Anomali’.

So sorry that I am everything that everyone in your past or present was not, is not, and I do it without effort or pretense. I know how frustrating it must be when you find someone who does all of the things you like, and is ALL of the things you want – without ever even being told or asked.

Sorry for the inconvenience of being a total package that requires you to step up to the plate instead of your usual way of taking the easy way out. I know you should not have to work for love – no matter how perfect or meant to be. If it requires work – you should always choose the person who is wrong for you – because it’s easier – and easy is always the goal.

So sorry that I brought enlightenment, truth, wisdom, Godliness, wholeness, unconditional love, peace, and true passion into your life – I now realize that was somehow wrong of me…

My apologies for propelling you towards God, divine destiny and some true sense of purpose – I did not mean to be a bad influence.

My bad for helping you to see the reality and truth within yourself, and of your present circumstances without guiding or pressuring you towards any one way of seeing things. I realize ignorance is bliss and I should not have denied you that right. Truth should never be uncovered through love and with grace. It should stay hidden until one’s death bed – when it is too late to change anything… Who says regret is a bad thing?

Sorry that I have never lied to you or cheated on you with an ex right under your nose, or while I was living in your house…I know how hard it is for you to believe that someone actually is on level when you are so used to settling for sub-standard – and I should have kept the pattern going. After all – we are such creatures of habit, are we not?

My regrets that I am financially and emotionally independent and that I love you for YOU and not for what you can do for me. I realize that most women hold onto their meal tickets regardless of what is right. I mean, what’s love got to do with it?

So sorry that my actions have always matched my words, that I am consistent, that my feelings or truths never changed, that I was patient, and always there for you – no matter what – even when it hurt. I never meant to put you first…what ever could I have been thinking?

I repent for being beautiful and brilliant and loving and spiritual and confident and God-fearing and affectionate and unselfish and witty and funny and giving and sacrificial and deep and profound and great in EVERY fucking room. I know how much you fear the genuine article… I should have held back a bit. Sadly, I am not as good at pretending to be something that I am not as the women you usually choose.

Sorry that I am a lady at all times, that I relish honesty, that I don’t need to tear another woman down or disrespect her even in the face of her disrespect towards me to build myself up because I know who and whose I am and do not have to prove my worth. It’s been said that Ray Charles could see what caliber woman I am from the grave… So I really should tone my glow down a bit, huh?

My mistake for being so authentically original in the way that I showed my love for you: writing you poetry and music and making professions of your divinity to me that made you break down and cry; having never been loved so well, so completely. Singing in your ear until the melting of your heart into a puddle bore witness beneath your cloths. Sorry that we never ran out of things to say or ways of being fresh and new without effort. I never intended to make you confess that you knew in your heart that God made me for you long before I had come to the same conclusion – that I was the “other half that made you whole”, that I was your ‘one’. I recognize that predestination is truly a scary proposition to be avoided by any means necessary.

So sorry that I keep a clean and beautiful home, can cook my face off, maintain a prayerful place of peace, - oh and for my cat-like, thoroughly satiating ways in the bedroom… I know, I know…I should have never fed your spirit in every way, melded into you thus making you feel complete, given you my all until we became one, and made your toes curl like that while you called out my name over and over and over again…how insensitive of me.

While on that note, I had also better apologize because I don’t roll over after I get mine and leave you to feel unwanted and alone after we make love – and because my appetite for you never decreases and I do not make excuses as to why I’m not in the mood. I know you prefer the familiar. I never meant to want you all of the time and please you whenever you wanted me (which was all of the time), or to let you hold me all through the night feeling secure and wanted and treasured – bad me…

Sorry that I was willing to change my entire life for you, disappoint my mother, prepare to alter the path of my career, face the rejection of the church and all those I love, all just to love you completely – and never hide you from the world… I should never love that well or that much. After all, where is the selfishness in that? I’ve got to be like everybody else, right? How dare I break the mold that you are so accustomed to? Sorry to disappoint your negative expectations. I know change like that must be hard.

My apologies for seeing you more clearly than anyone ever has; for opening you wide and learning all of your secrets, fears, insecurities, wants, dreams, longings, and sharing mine with you – and for loving you unconditionally in spite of your demons and issues and repeated mistakes and current circumstances. Oh! and I should not have forgiven you for repeatedly and knowingly hurting me… What was I thinking? Forgiveness? Surely you can’t build on that type of friendship and love…that is just way too deep to actually last. So Sorry.

I am sorry that I do not let my past dictate how I love in the future – or keep me from loving when it is right – in the now. I am sorry that I am not afraid of change when I know that it is because of divine truth. I am sorry that I am not fickle or flaky and I don’t change with the wind and I am not influenced by the words and nonsense of others with wrong motives – or held captive by soul ties to those whom I should have released from my heart long ago to make room for the RIGHT one. I should not be such a free spirit – expecting my stallion to run beside me wild and free in the open air instead of cowering with fear inside of the manure filled stalls. And how arrogant of me to think for myself, to know divine truth – and to have faith that walking in truth will always lead me to blessings that would otherwise be just beyond my reach, and keep the love of my destiny by my side.

I apologize for believing in you – I know how much pressure it must have been to have someone have more faith in you than you do in yourself.

So sorry that I am a fighter – that I stand up for what I believe in, that I speak my mind and don’t make you guess, that I don’t play silly games to manipulate you in an effort to get my way at any cost, or that I am imperfect in my battles while fighting for perfect goals. I realize that cowardice is the way to go – why fight for something that looks impossible? And if you are going to fight – why fight fair – when no one else does? Who has integrity in love and war? And who in the hell fights for true love these days anyway? Soul Mates…cute, right? Silly me.

I apologize that I love you still. I have this nagging problem of my love being true and lasting and long suffering – enduring all things, hoping all things, refusing to fail those I love in spite of the lack of appreciation for all that I am and all that I am not. I wish to God I were more like you and could throw love away like street trash in New York because of my irrational fears and unwillingness to let go of my dysfunctional past relationships – unwilling to trust God and face an uncertain future holding the hand of the one who loves me best. Like you, my pride, and my fears, should be bigger than my heart. Sadly: they are not. I am sorrier for this than you can know.

Most of all, most of all – I am sorry that our paths ever crossed – because anyone who asks me to apologize for any of this and does not know that there will NEVER be anyone who can hold a candle to me, and who does not realize that if they lose me they will spend the rest of their lives using me as 'the' standard, the measuring stick with whom no one will ever compare; anyone who ever would compare me to ANYONE for ANY reason, anyone who can know love like this and not treasure it, anyone who can hold my tender heart in their hands and show it no mercy; truly never deserved to love or be loved by me.

Sadly again…in spite of these facts,

I love you.


So sorry.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -