HELP ME BELIEVE...

Current mood: Aware...Conscious...Sighted...

---

So here it is...

And, I don't begin to claim to know what is going on in the heart, mind, and spirit of Mr. Franklin. But, what I do know is that his lyrics are transparent, his writing, anointed, and that this song reflects my current struggle and the whole of my heart...

Please LISTEN and be blessed...I know I was...still working on that thing called faith and that even harder thing called forgiveness (for more people and wrongs done than I even care remember)... I guess it's true what they say...'to whom much is given, much is required....' - or more simply stated, in a matter of speaking - 'no cross, no crown'...

Anyway...

This is where I'm living...a lesson I have yet to master...and one that I continue to pay for dearly...so let's hope I get it right and soon... Because the sins of others should NOT hold me back...

Namaste!


~A

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HELP ME BELIEVE

(Verse I)
I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past what I see right now
I see right now

I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don't know how
No one showed me how

Wish I could see
That this mess I'm in will really work out for my good
You said it would

So, if you can hear me
Can you give me a sign, 'cause I don't feel you like I should
Please if you could

(Bridge I)
My faith is almost gone
I can't hold on much longer
Take his cup from me

(Chorus)
Help me believe
Can I believe?
Let me believe
I wanna believe!
I'm no good on my own
Please give me another chance

It's hard to believe
In what I can't see
To give you my will
'Cause Your will is better for me

You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe

(Verse II)
I wanna believe
If I never hear I'm sorry I can let it go
Gotta let you go

'Cause it's killing me
Jesus, You know how it feels 'cause you've been hurt before
Don't wanna hurt no more

(Bridge II)
I'm trying to hear you speak
But my heart is growing weaker
Take his cup from me

(Chorus II)
I'm trying to believe
But it's hard to believe
Help me believe
See, I need to believe
I've been here before
And I can't take that hurt again

It's hard to believe
In what I can't see
To give you my will
'Cause Your will is better for me

You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe

(Verse III)
I wanna believe
When I close my eyes on this side, I'll wake up with You
More in love with you

And finally You
Will say my race is over and my work is through
'Cause I believed in You...

(Bridge III)
I know dark days will come
And some days there will be no sunshine
And You're too far to see

(Chorus)
Help me believe
Can I believe?
Let me believe
I wanna believe!
I'm no good on my own
Please give me another chance

It's hard to believe
In what I can't see
To give you my will
'Cause Your will is better for me

You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe


~ Kirk Franklin ~

To BE BLESSED, BROKEN, AND GIVEN...: Work In Progress

(A Work In Progress)

The words written below came to me this morning in the form of a song... And, I haven't been writing much lately (which isn't good)... Prayerfully this is the end of my writers block (of every block in my life at present) and the end of a lot of inner and outer turmoil...

Before I acknowledge any negative (as this blog is NOT about negativity), I must first state that I am so grateful for the AMAZING love in my life. I am loved beyond anything I could have imagined or hoped or prayed for... I am stronger and better because of this. I always knew how to love...but no one ever taught me how to be loved...to simply allow myself to be loved...just because...adored...just for being me...that I was entitled to be loved as profoundly as I give love....just because I exist...until now. And all of this has colored my perspective very new.

But, in spite of this, one thing I have definitely learned in the last ten years is that happiness is not external, and without a life filled with integrity and the pursuit of a distinct, God-given purpose, I cannot be content. So, it is to that end, that I am writing this blog now. Something despicably wrong was done to me recently by some 'Christians' (actually church folks - but you know how they like to pretend they rep Christ when so few of them actually even know the man...). It wasn't shocking, as I have survived worse at the hands of those who claim to represent God, but sometimes it makes you wonder if in this life, people really reap what they sew... It isn't that I wish to see those who do me harm suffer. It is more that I wish to know when I will see the rewards of all the good I have spent my life sewing into others...often the very ones who have done me the most harm...

The few people on this Earth who truly know me, the inner me, know I am very introspective. Thus, as I began to look inward, this song came to me.

It is in the roughest of draft forms. But I decided, as I allow myself to become more transparent and open to the will of God for my life, as I am learning to die to myself and love myself better, while I am better learning to be still and hear His voice…and my own; now that humility has stripped me of unnecessary pride, and as I attempt to be fearless even in the face of the inevitable pain that will ensue from being so decidedly vulnerable even to those who mean me no good…I will share my journey.

The examples of character that I admire most, starting with Christ, chose this path. And if I am to become what I am meant to be, then I must choose the same. Too few artists...too few people, are genuine in this life. I have always prided myself on just how real I am...but I was always guarded over my inner self even with my transparent nature... I am now in a place where I have no time to hide myself, to protect myself, from pain, the masses, or opinions of others. I am exquisite, and I need no one's approval to shine.

Yes, I have been hurt and faced injustice that was not anything I deserved for a current or past crime. It is simply the way of the world.... People are cruel, and most often those of us with integrity are the ones who suffer the most. But I refuse to let it devastate my heart, my passion, or my faith in the way it once would have... It is meant to jar me from my comfort zone, force me to stop fearing my own magnificence and destiny, and propel me into destiny a little faster as time waits for no one…

I am becoming more myself each and every day. And I love me...

---

PRIDE

There is beauty in the break down
Of a prideful heart
That's been torn apart

And yes. it's true that when you fall
They'll all be watching you
So self, what will you do?

You look around and nothing is familiar anymore
You're following your dreams
But you keep slamming into doors

There's nothing left to believe in
It was all a lie
It was all a lie

And your dreams are so elusive
Your breaking inside
Running out of time

You stare at your reflection
But don't recognize her face
The fear is choking you
And you no longer know your place...

But just stop
Take a minute to remember who you are
Though many tried to break your spirit
You're still here
You've come this far
And remember a blessing deferred
Isn't always denied
What you've gained means more
In time
Baby, all you've lost
Is pride

Bitterness is the sweet fruit
Of a good heart abused
God, you've been so used

The agony of hope consumes your soul
Searching for truth
All you found was you

You're holding on to faith
While you discard all that you know
Praying these words are true:
That we all reap what we sew

The pain you live in every day
You hide so well
No one can tell

Every beating, every fall
You have survived them all
Always standing tall

But the scars that you've sustained
They aren't for everyone to see
You know character's expensive
Nothing comes easily

So you stop
Take a minute to remember who you are
Though many tried to break your spirit
You're still here
You've come this far
And remember a blessing deferred
Isn't always denied
What you've gained means more
In time
Baby all you've lost
Is pride

And what is pride?
But a thin veil covering all you really are
And if the world denies you
Don't hide your bright light
You're still a star
And no matter how your truth unfolds
You're true beauty lives inside
What you've gained means more in time
Baby all you've lost
After all the lies have died
Baby all you've lost...
'Cause your dreams won't be denied
In the end, you'll shine so bright
Baby, all you've lost is pride

~ copyrighted ~

TIME...

(PLEASE WATCH THIS)



TIME

What is time?
Is it the Autumn leaves that change,
Or the snow that floats from the sky.

What is time?
Is it the air we breathe,
Or the wings that teach a newborn bird to fly?
Who can tell?
I don't know
Will we change?
Will we grow...

What is time?
Is it eternity in Heaven;
Or just a hope for peace on Earth...
Where's the time...gone...
In the blink of an eye.
But with every blink a pearl,
We live, we learn, we love in time,
We give, we yearn, we grow...In time...
Time for change, it's time to care,
It's not too late, don't despair.
Reach inside your heart to find the joy,
The love to share with all mankind, for we know...
All we have is time...

~ Billy Porter ~

---

A PRAYER TODAY

God, please help me not to waste the time you've given me as my greatest gift while here on Earth. I know I don't tend to manage it too wisely...I take each day for granted at moments, procrastinating, thinking there will be another chance to see someone, or to get that chore done, to make that phone call to say "I forgive you" or "I'm sorry" or "I love you"...or to pursue my purpose with more diligence and faith and resilience...

Please embed these words on the template of my heart...and bless Mia Michaels for ministering so profoundly to me on so many deep and personal level unbeknown to her...

I pray this song, this dance, this message blesses everyone. It certainly put a lot of things in perspective for me. We worry about such silly things... We prioritize so backwards...and when it's all said and done, all we truly have is...time...

Lord, thank you for my time...for your time...for time...and help me not to waste or to be a waste of your greatest blessing of all...


~A

I Am NOT Your Pretty Girl...

Ani does it again...speaks my innermost truth and leaves me UTTERLY speechless...

---

NOT A PRETTY GIRL

I am not a pretty girl
That is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress
And I don't need to be rescued
So put me down punk
Maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I AM NOT AN ANGRY GIRL
But it seems like I've got everyone fooled
Every time I say something
They find hard to hear
They chalk it up to MY ANGER
And NEVER to THEIR OWN FEAR
And imagine you're a girl
Just trying to finally come clean
Knowing full well they'd prefer you
Were dirty and smiling

And I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
And I am not a kitten
Stuck up a tree somewhere

And generally my generation
Wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
And generally I agree with them
Trouble is you gotta have yourself
An alternate plan
And I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
And I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
And what if there are no damsels in distress
What if I knew that and I called your bluff?
Don't you think every kitten
Figures out how to get down
Whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
No I want to be more than a pretty girl


~ Ani DiFranco ~

Part Deux...

WANTING
(After Waiting)
(for A.)

i want
to kiss
You
beneath the charred shells
where the bruises are buried.

i want
to breathe
aloe(d) light into the
airless, sepia prisons
where your skittish heart
chafes and then braces for yet another
graceless goodbye.


i want
to touch
You
with still fingers
in every seismic place
from which your suffering draws flailing sustenance.


…but most of all,
i want
to be quiet
while the bottomless (sub)text that looms in you
sings to me in every possible language about the breathtaking girl
iwanttokiss
You


~LB~

DEEPLY AFFECTED: WRITTEN 4 ME

Waiting: In Deep Blue-Green

i do not know how you resurrect me
with the honey-oranges of your noonday greetings,
but you do.

sometimes, after you’ve gone,
i watch the space that had just held
delicate fold after fold of you for signs of
preternatural provenance
‘cause nothin’ as yet explains why
naked azure suggests only you.

i walk (timidly) onto that blissful ground where you once were
and allow whatever remains of you there to enclose me
unclosing (plaintively) all of my emerald stained daydreams
of how I could love you, if only you’d let me.

i imagine that I am the air that lovingly caresses the lines
of your perfect nose as you breathe,
leaving gossamer impressions of
FINE.

i am the fluorescent light as it
etches minor chords on your skin
from every possible angle
coaxing your poignant browns
into the barest of indigo.

ascend
I am each stair you and
descend
whose hollowness is extended absolution
by the very fragility of each of
your feet (tiny and remarkable even as they mimic
assonant rhythms of frolicking jade and jasmine).
i imagine each foot, like petals in autumn, quietly folding into itself
finally finding repose along the fleshiest part of my thigh.

i am time.
spilling infinite kisses of maybes along the curve of you back
mining the path to your soul
with lazy midnight tears.
Muted.
Meaningless.

i want you/
to want me.
So i wait.


~LB~

---

There are no words to express how deeply this affected and moved me... I am honored. Truly. And, because of these words alone, I now know what my last relationship was missing, what my heart, my soul was missing...and what I would rather die waiting for than to ever live without in love again...


~A

When Night Is Falling...

Fall...

When night is falling
It is your arms my heart calls home
Your love that covers me
Your warmth I wish to rest in
Your touch becomes my wind
Your heat, my fire
Your love...
Your love...

Please rest in me...

OR

When night is falling
It is your arms my heart calls home
Your love that blankets me
Your glow shines as the moonlight
Your touch caresses my flesh like soft wind
Your breath, a whispering breeze upon my cheek
Your heat, my warmth, my fire
Your love...
Your love...

Please rest in me...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

Love Lessons...

1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-8 (KJV)

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

---

The Peterson Translation breaks it down even better:


1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-8

⁴Love never gives up, love cares more for others than for self. It does not want what it does not have, love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head. ⁵Does not force itself on others, Isn't always me first, doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others. ⁶Doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth. ⁷Puts up with anything, Trust GOD ALWAYS, Always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

⁸Love never dies.




Something small but wonderful happened to me today...

It occurred to me that God is always doing little things to show me how He loves me even when I don't notice, or acknowledge Him or pray or even offer thanks or the best of myself.

So, I asked Him what I could do to make it up to Him: to show Him my love and gratitude...

And the answer came to me so plainly I could swear God whispered in my ear. He simply said:

"Love like I love you"...

This...this would be my praise, my offering... By simply loving you without fear, restraint, or conditions; by not getting upset when I don't feel reciprocity; by being grateful for every moment when you do notice the little things, when you do acknowledge me...and by being thankful when you do show me that you love me in return...

By doing this, I honor God's love for me.

And this thought/feeling resonated through me and settled deeply into my spirit...

This was God's answer to the question in my heart. And it gave me tremendous peace.

And, so, this is what I'll do...I'll honor God by loving you.


~A

EVENTUALLY

(Verse I)
There isn’t a set age
Your turn could come on any day
There’s no reason and no rhyme
Your chance could come at any time
And it never is too late
There’s no such thing as sad endings
And dreams, they never die,
There’s only brand new beginnings

And right now it might look like you’re at the end
But if you just hold on
Eventually you’ll win

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be

(Verse II)
Sometimes I look around
And I wonder why I’m still here
When the future is unsure
And sometimes all I feel is fear
Then I think of all those things
That I know are meant for me
And I grab hold of my faith
Knowing this is my destiny

And even though I can’t see my way there
I know guidance will come to me
The answer to my prayers

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be

(Bridge)
It might look like you will never
See the tunnel’s ending light
And your dreams might seem
So out of reach, out of sight
But if you know somewhere inside your soul
What’s meant to be
With all the love stored in your heart
Manifest your dream
Your reality and BELIEVE
Just BELIEVE...

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

---

These words came to me tonight, as I was writing for a song assignment (trying to make some more MONEY!!! :)...and I guess they are the truth of my soul at the moment... Might not even sell it when it's done...or even if I do, I have a feeling I'll be singing this one myself some day...

Anyway, these words blessed me, as I know they came through me, not of me, so I hope they do the same for you...


~A

FEAST OR FAMINE (Take II)

My body needs to be touched
My heart: to bathe in your sun
My soul needs quenching...
My spirit; to sojourn the vastness of you

Thus,

This is me laying naked before you
On a platter of endless hopes
Prepared surprisingly rare
Tender, wounded, open
Filled with all of the savory goodness
Depth and intensity
Compassion and divinity
Nourishment and satiation;
All the richness that life could infuse
Complex flavors of light and dark
Sour and sweet
Appetizing...
Challenging...
Filling...
And so willing to be consumed

So...
Have me
Touch me
Taste me
Hold me
Need me
Want me

SEE ME

Love me...

I wish to be the feast for your soul.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -



I know that this is NOT a poem about food (it was certainly NOT inspired by food - holla if you hear me!)...but it is no wonder about the edible theme...

I am doing the "Master Cleanse" and am on day FOUR (4) without food (on Easter weekend - I must have been CRAZY!!!)...with ten more to go - maybe more if I don't feel healthy enough afterwards... I am trying to naturally rid myself of ALL toxins from processed food and medicine (i.e. legal drugs) and the polluted air, any virus or sickness causing agents or pollutants in my body because of the aforementioned, and attempting to naturally treat, or maybe even cure my chronic asthma so I'll be prepared for a grueling tour schedule. AND, it wouldn't hurt to make myself even more svelte and fierce for bikini season when I go away with that special someone (although don't nobody want a bone but a dog, so motha is KEEPING her luscious thickness, thank you very much...;)


~A

FEAST OR FAMINE (Take I)

My body needs to be touched
My heart needs to bathe in love
My soul needs quenching...
This is me laying naked before you
On a platter of endless hopes
Prepared rare
Open
Filled with all of the savory goodness
One could ever yearn to have
Salty and sweet
Appetizing and filling
And so willing to be consumed

So have me
Touch me
Hold me
Need me
Want me
SEE ME

Love me...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

STRAIN...

STRAIN...

It is the moments when it seems 'us' is most strained that I feel the depth; the intensity, of my love for you...when realize I love you the absolute most.

See, I would prefer the strain, pain, and any conflict that arises; and I would welcome whatever work, struggle and compromise necessary as the result of such occurrences, to the unbearable notion of not being able to love and be loved by you...and you alone.

So, to me, it's worth it.

Just because I love you...

And I want you...

And I need you...

And no strain even comes close to the weight and severity of that truth.


~ Copyright © AnOmali 101 ~

"CHURCH GIRL"

CHURCH GIRL 
 (VERSE I) Dipped in water, preacher's daughter Read your entire Holy Grail Started to question all this oppression Why your religion seems to fail Tired of lies and all your jaded views And, now that I'm living in truth I see that truth don't live in you 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broke down Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And, though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VERSE II) Mama said that if a long skirt Could cover up a black heart We would all go to Heaven The Evange-dyke's door key Was given to me Long before puberty began Manipulating my mind for your own gain Well, sometimes your temple of God Is nothing more than a house of pain… And shame… 
 (REPEAT CHORUS I)  (CHORUS II) Slandered and My gifts sold But, I never was made whole They didn't just break my spirit They ripped out my soul  Been jaded Mind abused 'Til there was nothing left to lose And though I may not live like you I'm still a church girl 
 (BRIDGE) I used to think that the church Was a place for the spiritually ill Since all our souls are weary from this life A place where hearts could heal But, in my desperation Church folk never yielded higher ground It wasn't until I turned and walked away True faith in God I found 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broken Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VAMP OUT) I still believe in the body Just don't believe in the building (Repeat to Fade) 
 – Copyright 2003 © AnOmali 101 –

The Diary of Anais Nin

"I wanted to run out and kiss her fantastic beauty and say: I will never know again who I am, what I am, what I love and what I want. Your beauty has drowned me, the core of me. You carry away with you a part of me reflected in you. When your beauty struck me, it dissolved me. Deep down, I am not different from you. I dreamed you, I wished for your existence. You are the woman I want to be. I see in you that part of me which is you. I surrender my sincerity because if I love you it means we share the same fantasies, the same madnesses."

- Anaïs Nin -

Damn! I haven't read this quote in a long time, but it struck me with the same intensity as before...amazed at how this moment/feeling/sensation was captured in words...

She Always Speaks MY Mind...

I love the way poetry and prose phrase my unspoken thoughts...and validate the fact that I am NOT crazy...and I am NOT alone... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More of my babble... "You do yourself and the other person no favors by remaining with someone when you hold on to a part of a person that works for you when the part that doesn't... tortures you." I have a lot of thoughts running around my head like a futuristic highway. I need a valium or a jack and ginger. My ThoughtsI needed these words about six months ago - it would have saved me a lot of pain..hell, it would have saved me from my retarded self! lol ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 02/15/07 04:11 PM Is Forever possible? Forever IS a mighty long time. If we are forever changing and growing as individuals, why are we expected to remain the same? Or get the infamous: you've changed accusation? I realize some things at one's core should not be expected to change such as morals, principles, etc but even those things can be fluid or not deemed as important as once before. What happens when one person does all of the changing and the other remains stagnant? Does forever change because you counted on things to remain the same? Seems to be set up for failure/torture from the start. I'm still feeling this blog out so to be continued... (My Response: This blog struck the hell out of me because I realized I have shared these same thoughts on several occassions - but had never given voice to them. Thanks for being my voice...(like on so many other occassions in pages past - lol ;). Then I remembered the lyrics to a song that I knew well as a child that always somehow made me feel sad (though I didn't understand it at the time). And now, these words make a whole lot more sense to me...(and still sometimes make me sad...): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW DO YOU KEEP THE MUSIC PLAYING? How do you keep the music playing? How do you make it last? How do you keep the song from fading too fast? How do you lose yourself to someone; And never lose your way? How do you not run out of new things to say? And since we know we're always changing, How can it be the same? And tell me how year after year You're sure your heart will fall apart Each time you hear his name. I know the way I feel for you It's now or never The more I love the more that I'm afraid That in your eyes I may not see forever.. Forever... If we can be the best of lovers Yet be the best of friends If we can try with everyday to make it better As it grows With any luck, then I suppose The music never ends... -Michel Legrand-

PRIVATE PARTY!!!

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG...

Just listen and read...



PRIVATE PARTY

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse I)
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse II)
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse III)
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse IV)
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Bridge)
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become



May you all find the peace and love of self and life that I have suffered, cried, been mistreated, been broken, fought my way, lived my way, delivered myself, been delivered...

Into...

Infinite Blessings And Peace!



NOW SING ALONG WITH ME!!! :)


~A

CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

- Anais Nin -

---

I JUST HAD TO GET THIS IDEA, SCRAMBLED FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, OUT OF MY MIND... DRAFT ONE of THE MELODY IN MY HEAD...



CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU

And I can't even look at you
When I think of how I loved you
Think of how you hurt me

Can't even look at you
When I think of how I fought fate
How could love desert me

Can't even look at you
And I want nothing to remind me
Don't want to feel, don't want to hurt
Don't want to know
Just want to shirk this off
Like you did love...

And I can't even look at you
When I remember the lost time
And some things still remind me
Of what was

No, I can't even look at you
Don't want to see your face
Don't want to speak your name
Or hear it said

Don't want to look at you
Don't want to know you anymore
I've shut and bolted that door
Don't want to miss, don't want to love
Don't want to see, Don't want to know...If you're ok
'Cause I'm ok
'Cause I'm ok
'Cause I'm ok
I am ok.

And I've found my peace now
Just as long as I pretend
It doesn't matter
That you don't care
It wasn't real
That I was fair
Long as I fight
The loss I feel
And pretend I am on the only one
Who feels it...

And I can't look back,
And we can't go back,
And you could never take it back
And I could never take you back

And I can't even look at you
'Cause I know that love was real
And, I like how numb I feel
Now that it's gone

And I don't want to look at you
And see how much I'm missed
Or remember one kiss
Or your tears

I can't even look at you
I don't want to turn around
When all hope was shut down
So long ago

And it hurts inside to know
That some seeds just don't grow
And love could never save us anyhow
The pain is just too bad
And I just can't stay sad
And I don't want to know you now.

And no matter how much I know
I know I've moved on
I'm happy and healthy
And so fucking strong
I know it would cut me
And I'd turn to salt
If I turned around...

So I won't turn back...
And I won't reflect
'Cause it's my new life
That I must protect
And when it gets hard
I know I must press ahead...
Put it out of my head.

Because love was not enough
And you were not enough
And it still hurt...

And so I can't...

I can't even look at you...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

(A Work {SONG} In Progress)



~A

DANCING IN THE SUN

And I am finally FREE! FREE to laugh, free to dream and pursue and live those dreams without restraint; Free to continue sojourning to wholeness without any dead weight slowing me down or causing more scar-leaving injuries to heal from along the way; Free to find and love an equal in 'a love with no illusions' (Thanks, Blue! ;), no settling, no justifying, no compromising my core values. Free to write and sing my soul without explanation. Free to understand and be understood by those worthy of the sharing. Free to live in the truth that my soul has always called home without compromise. Free to soar above an aimless existence and those who choose to dwell in that space. Free to smile at, and for, nothing other than the wonder of being alive! Free to take care of MY SELF without having to constantly look after someone who does not look after themselves, let alone, me. Free to be extraordinary, to rise above all I see and live by faith. Free to explore the world and everything and one in it that intrigues me! Free! Free!

FREE TO BE ME! Without apology.

Life is good. God is good.

And I am GOOD! And getting better everyday!

Be looking for BIG things from me in the very near future~ There is NOTHING holding me back anymore!

A friend sent this timely quote to me and I knew it had to be included in this post:

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it...You know your worth, surround yourself with that same worth".
I hear that LOUD & CLEAR!

I am smiling with my spirit! Feeling affirmed. Establishing my permanent peace with the Universe. And accepting that it has within it all I need...and I have within me all I need, because the Universe is within me, not just all around me...as is GOD!

:)


~A