A HANDFUL...

 

I Oғᴛᴇɴ Hᴇᴀʀ Iᴛ Sᴀɪᴅ Tʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ A Hᴀɴᴅғᴜʟ...

Wʜɪʟᴇ Tʜɪs Mᴀʏ Bᴇ Tʀᴜᴇ, I'ᴠᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Tᴏ Tʜᴇ Cᴏɴᴄʟᴜsɪᴏɴ (As Hᴀᴠᴇ Tʜᴇ Fᴇᴡ Fᴏʟᴋs Wʜᴏ Tʀᴜʟʏ Kɴᴏᴡ Mᴇ), Tʜᴀᴛ I Aᴍ Wᴇʟʟ Wᴏʀᴛʜ Tʜᴇ Eғғᴏʀᴛ Sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ Yᴏᴜ Aᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ Bᴇ Cᴀᴘᴀʙʟᴇ Oғ Tʜᴇ Hᴀɴᴅʟɪɴɢ...

Nᴏᴛ Oɴʟʏ Aᴍ I Nᴏᴛ Bᴜɪʟᴛ Tᴏ Bʀᴇᴀᴋ, Bᴜᴛ I'ᴍ Aʟsᴏ Nᴏᴛ Bᴜɪʟᴛ Fᴏʀ Tʜᴇ Wᴇᴀᴋ, Fʀᴀɪʟ, Sʜᴀʟʟᴏᴡ, Iɴsᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ Oʀ Fᴀɪɴᴛ Oғ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ...

Sᴏ, Sɪɴᴄᴇ I Aᴍ A 'Hᴀɴᴅғᴜʟ', Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ Mᴀᴋɪɴɢ Tʜᴇ Aᴛᴛᴇᴍᴘᴛ, Mᴀᴋᴇ Sᴜʀᴇ Yᴏᴜ Hᴀᴠᴇ Bɪɢ Eɴᴏᴜɢʜ Hᴀɴᴅs Fᴏʀ Tʜᴇ Jᴏʙ As Mᴀɴʏ Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ Hᴀᴠᴇ Tʀɪᴇᴅ Aɴᴅ Fᴀɪʟᴇᴅ... Tʜᴇɴ Rᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ Oɴᴇ Sɪᴍᴘʟᴇ Rᴜʟᴇ...

Hᴀɴᴅʟᴇ Wɪᴛʜ Cᴀʀᴇ...

Oᴛʜᴇʀᴡɪsᴇ, I Mɪɢʜᴛ Jᴜsᴛ Sʟɪᴘ Tʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ Yᴏᴜʀ Fɪɴɢᴇʀs...

#𝓐𝓷𝓞𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓲™

#𝑩𝒖𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒓 🦋

Yesterdays, Sundays, And The World That Once Was...

Well, It's Sunday...

And I'm Remembering What An Exciting Thing That Once Was For Me...In Spite Of The Too Frequent Jealousy And/Or Cruelty Of Church Folks Who Too Often Were Threatened By Anything Different Or Free...(And, I Was Born Both Different And Free)...

And, I Am Saddened.

Not For The Less Than Ideal Memories Of People In Their Lack Of Kindness (And, A Great Many, In Retrospect Were Kinder Than My Child's Mind Realized, Even If They Were The Minority) — But, Because What Once Was My Home, Sanctuary, Safety; The World That Bore Me And For The First Half Of My Life Was The Only World I'd Ever Known; The Place Where I Once Felt God In Potent Doses That Forever Shaped My Relationship With My Creator — Now Reminds Me Of Nothing More Than The Facade Of The Painted Smile On A Fading China Doll In A Well Rehearsed Cage. Impotent. Lifeless. Usually Godless In It's Presentation. Ritual For Ritual's Sake. An Elaborate Weekly Social Event. The Celebration Of People, Leaders, Clothes And Materials...VANITY. Bad Theology And Faulty Doctrine That Has Long Forgotten It's Origins In Love, In Help, In Selfless-ness, Service And Sacrifice... — Has Long Forgotten The Most Basic Christian Premise Of Them All:

GOD IS LOVE. 

What I Wouldn't Give To Travel Back In Time As The Woman I Am Now To The Experience That Once Molded The Little Girl Who Will Eternally Live Inside Of Her. To Feel Something Real In The Midst Of A Service; Godly, Spiritual, Without Motive, Greed, Narcissism Or Manipulation... People Who Just Really Loved God, Loved Revelling In His Presence, And Even, On Occasion, When It Really Counted, Loved Each Other... In A Genuine, Tangible Way...

To Worship The God Of My Understanding In Freedom, Spirit And In Truth Sans Hypocrisy Or Judgement. 

It Leaves Me Feeling Homeless; Empty... "Like A Motherless Child A Long Way From Home". Disconnected From My Roots, And, Thus, Sometimes From Myself.

—Wishing I Could Somehow Bridge My Dual Worlds, My Two Halves, My Intellect With My Core, My Experience In This World Beyond Those Walls With The Profound And Powerful Foundation Established Within Them... A Fusion Of Tangible And Intangible, Flesh And Spirit. A Full Spiritual Eclipse — A Total Integration Of My Whole Self And Not Just My Socially Or Religiously Acceptable Pieces. Resolution For Cognitive Dissonance And Existential Crisis Juxtaposed The Moments Of Absolute Certainty Spent In The Undeniable Presence Of God, Bathed In His Spirit And His Love. Without Limit. 

I'm Left Wishing For; Wanting So Many Things When I Remember Way Back Then...Wishing I Had Something To Look Forward To Come Week's End: A Replenishing, An Uplifting, The Sheer Possibility Of Being Left Somehow Richer, Stronger And Better Than I Was Found. Restored, Renewed, Hopeful, Exponentially Growing Faith... Instead, I Always Find Myself Having To Draw Inspiration From Looking Behind...

But, Sadly, I Never, Ever Look Forward.......

To Sundays.

And, After All Of These Years, It Still Hurts...

______________________________________________

CHURCH GIRL 
 (VERSE I) Dipped in water, preacher's daughter Read your entire Holy Grail Started to question all this oppression Why your religion seems to fail Tired of lies and all your jaded views And, now that I'm living in truth I see that truth don't live in you 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broke down Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And, though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VERSE II) Mama said that if a long skirt Could cover up a black heart We would all go to Heaven And, the bishop's/evangedyke's room key Was given to me Long before puberty began Manipulating my mind for their own gain Well, sometimes your temple of God Is nothing more than a house of pain… And shame… 
 (REPEAT CHORUS I)  (CHORUS II) Slandered and My gifts sold But, I never was made whole They didn't just break my spirit They ripped out my soul  Been jaded Mind abused 'Til there was nothing left to lose And though I may not live like you I'm still a church girl 
 (BRIDGE) I used to think that the church Was a place for the spiritually ill Since all our souls are weary from this life A place where hearts could heal But, in my desperation Church folk never yielded higher ground It wasn't until I turned and walked away True faith in God I found 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broken Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VAMP OUT)I still believe in the body Just don't believe in the building (Repeat to Fade) 
 – Copyright 2003 © AnOmali 101 –

"Hand Speak"

I wish I could hear what your hands have to say...
(Because I know you speak with your hands)
Unencumbered by words
When they caress, graze
Hold me with desperate urgency
To touch my soul...
Feel the voice of your unbridaled passion;
Pain
Pressed against me
Hear the moans that,
In their utterance,
Offer up coded soliloquy
That only my body can discern
See what hidden message lays in your eyes
As you pour all of yourself into me
Silent un-inhibition;
Without thought, fear
Or premeditation.

Melding

One

I wish we could speak in visceral, spiritual code:
Heart to heart,
Soul to soul,
Breast to breast
Using our mouths only as deliberate instruments
Of the selfless pouring of pleasure;
Truth
Of soul saturated soothing and affirmations;
Mute declarations; without pretense;
Without barriers.
I wish I could feel YOU inside of ME
(over, under, and around me)
The way I feel you inside of me, always...
Even when you are beyond my grasp.
Even when the distance
Looms scissors at our difference and
Threatens to cut the ties that bind
Us
At
The
Core.

Even from behind these walls...

Maybe, just maybe, then, we'd finally arrive
In the same place at the same time.
Open to the same co-created space
In the same timeless moment.
Speaking the same language
Without need for verbiage;
Translation
Or interpretation.
Hear, see, feel,
LOVE one another
Without all the noise
In between...

I wish I could hear what your hands have to say...


~ AnOmali ~

This is a draft. A pouring. It lacks finesse, proper punctuation and the dividing of lines by line, stanza; but I hope you can feel what does not read with eloquence...

Desolate Hope... (And The Justification For Carrying Umbrellas In The Sun)

I would've given you anything
Instead you turned me away
You already had my soul
But said my truth got in the way
I'd have given all my love
My heart, body, soul and mind
But I guess you found me wanting
And unworthy of more time
Thus, I found myself withstanding
The earthquake displaced my heart
And yet still my love is spanning
Oceans deep and miles apart
Wish for parting of the Heavens
That the world would stop it's spin
That my soul would stop it's aching
And this love would not begin
And this love would never end
That this love had never been
This love will never be
Again...


~AnOmali~

Untitled...

I love you with the whole of my soul...

I love you with surrender.

I love you without ego (in spite of my occasional need to act out for some semblance of control).

I love you with all of me without expectation; even if you don't love me the same.

I no longer have concern for how things appear and I can't worry about tomorrow.

I am compelled to love you NOW; as if it it were my calling. As if my very life depends upon it. As if every other love was a mere rehearsal for this moment; for you.

So, I'm no longer falling against my will...

I am choosing...

Love.

Perplexed In Midnight Blue...

I don't know what to do
With what I feel for you
My soul is overwhelmed
By you
Your voice
Your words
Your being...
My heart aches with foreknowledge
Of what is
Of what was
Of what will be
My mind plays both prosecutor and defendant
Both judge and jury
In the fight for control of my thoughts
Of my fears
Of these prevailing forces
Overruling my senses
My common sense
Perpetually reminding me
That reality must be my focus
That nothing exist beyond this moment
That feelings are not cornerstones
Upon which a monument can be built
To stand the test of time
Even in the name of Love...
That time is not on my side
And the miles between
Make even the dream
A mere fantasy
Thus, this inexplicable feeling
Just can't be.

Yet still
I feel
More truth in this other worldly notion
In my soul's emotions
Than in any other truth
Set before me
Tangibly
And I'm left perplexed
Ignited and famished
And without a clue
As to what to do
About the irrational
Improbable
Impossible
Unquenchable
Insatiable
Way I Feel
Because of
With
For
In
Through
Around
And
About...

You...

Porcelain...

(Please Don't Judge This As A Piece Just Yet - It's Just The Beginning Ramblings Of A Concept I'm Trying To Pour Out - Purge)...

Porcelain

Cold
Hard
Hollow
Dulled senses
Surrounding
Empty fragility
That once housed a soul
Full of light; love
Cracked
With integrity
Maintaining it's shape
Before naked
Probing eyes
Accessorized
With stains, dye
A painted smile
That hides the fear
Of falling...

Steely in demeanor
Transparent presentation
Fooling the masses
All put together
Just so
Invisible glue
Makes me invisible, too
Or at least
Held on by
Invisible thread
I've yet to decide
To cut
Or tie in a circle
Just beneath
That airbrushed smile
Before leaping...

When shell hits ground
It shatters
Splatters
Pretty
Frail
Illusive
Strong
In theory
Soul's grown
Weary

Appearances

The doll hits the floor
Resilient
No more
Once thought
Indestructible
Only
Constructed
With flaws
Tiny structural
Tears
Torn seams
You couldn't see
You chose not to see

Faked you out
Breakable
Damaged
Porcelain
Pieces Of
Me