Saturday, March 26, 2022

| CONTROL FREAK | — And, Other Trauma Responses...


Gᴏᴅ Is REALLY Dᴇᴀʟɪɴɢ Wɪᴛʜ Mᴇ Aʙᴏᴜᴛ Lᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ Tʜɪɴɢs Gᴏ Rɪɢʜᴛ Nᴏᴡ... I Wᴀs Lɪᴛᴇʀᴀʟʟʏ Tᴇʟʟɪɴɢ Oɴᴇ Oғ Mʏ Fʀɪᴇɴᴅs Tʜᴀᴛ I Sᴇʀɪᴏᴜsʟʏ Nᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ Tᴏ Lᴇᴛ Sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ Gᴏ Cᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇʟʏ Aɴᴅ Gɪᴠᴇ Iᴛ Tᴏ Gᴏᴅ Bᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ Iᴛ's Tᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ Mᴇ Aᴘᴀʀᴛ Aᴛ A Tɪᴍᴇ Wʜᴇɴ Mʏ Lɪғᴇ Is Aʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ Dɪғғɪᴄᴜʟᴛ Aɴᴅ I Dɪᴅɴ'ᴛ Nᴇᴇᴅ Aɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ Tᴏ Aᴅᴅ Aɴʏ Mᴏʀᴇ Wᴏʀʀʏ, Pᴀɪɴ Oʀ Sᴛʀᴇss Tᴏ Mʏ Aʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ Fᴜʟʟ Pʟᴀᴛᴇ. Aɴᴅ, Aᴛ Tʜɪs Pᴏɪɴᴛ, Tʜᴇ Sᴛʀᴀɪɴ Oғ Tʜɪs Sɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ Hᴀs Gᴏᴛᴛᴇɴ Sᴏ Cᴏᴍᴘʟɪᴄᴀᴛᴇᴅ Aɴᴅ Tʜᴇ Mɪsᴜɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴀɴᴅɪɴɢs Aʀᴇ Sᴏ Dᴇᴇᴘ Tʜᴀᴛ ONLY Gᴏᴅ Cᴀɴ Fɪx Iᴛ.

I Nᴇᴇᴅ Tᴏ Wᴀʟᴋ Aᴡᴀʏ Aɴᴅ Tʀᴜsᴛ Gᴏᴅ Cᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇʟʏ Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Mʏ Hᴀɴᴅs Iɴ Tʜᴇ Mɪx. Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Dᴇғᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ Mʏsᴇʟғ. Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Tʀʏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Bᴇ Uɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴏᴏᴅ. Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Tʀʏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Bᴇ Iɴ Cᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ. 

Wɪᴛʜɪɴ Sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅs Oғ Mᴇ Mᴀᴋɪɴɢ Tʜᴀᴛ Sᴛᴀᴛᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ Rᴇᴘᴇᴀᴛᴇᴅʟʏ — Tʜᴀᴛ I Hᴀᴅ Tᴏ Tᴀᴋᴇ Mʏ Hᴀɴᴅs Oғғ Oғ Iᴛ Aɴᴅ Lᴇᴛ Iᴛ Gᴏ — Tʜɪs Pɪᴄᴛᴜʀᴇ Pᴏᴘᴘᴇᴅ Uᴘ Oɴ Mʏ Sᴄʀᴇᴇɴ...

Cᴏɴғɪʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ. Mᴇssᴀɢᴇ Rᴇᴄᴇɪᴠᴇᴅ. 

Mᴇ Tʀʏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Fɪx Iᴛ Jᴜsᴛ Mᴀᴋᴇs Tʜɪɴɢs Wᴏʀsᴇ Nᴏ Mᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ Hᴏᴡ Pᴜʀᴇ Mʏ Iɴᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs. Tʀʏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Bᴇ Sᴇᴇɴ, Hᴇᴀʀᴅ Aɴᴅ Uɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴏᴏᴅ As I Tʀᴜʟʏ Aᴍ Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ Eʟsᴇ's Fɪʟᴛᴇʀ Dɪsᴛᴏʀᴛɪɴɢ Mᴇ, Mʏ Mᴏᴛɪᴠᴇs Aɴᴅ Tʜᴇ Tʀᴜᴛʜ Oғ Mʏ Wᴏʀᴅs Jᴜsᴛ Mᴀᴋᴇs Tʜɪɴɢs Wᴏʀsᴇ. Aɴᴅ, I'ᴠᴇ Fɪɴᴀʟʟʏ Rᴇᴀʟɪᴢᴇᴅ Tʜᴀᴛ Tʜᴇ Lᴇssᴏɴ Iɴ Tʜɪs Mᴏᴍᴇɴᴛ Is Aʙᴏᴜᴛ LETTING GO Cᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇʟʏ, Aɴᴅ Tʀᴜsᴛɪɴɢ Tʜᴀᴛ Gᴏᴅ Wɪʟʟ Bʀɪɴɢ Aʙᴏᴜᴛ Tʜᴇ Bᴇsᴛ Oᴜᴛᴄᴏᴍᴇ Nᴏ Mᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ Wʜᴀᴛ Iᴛ Is. Tʜᴀᴛ Gᴏᴅ Oɴʟʏ Hᴀs Aɴᴅ Wᴀɴᴛs Tʜᴇ Bᴇsᴛ Fᴏʀ Mᴇ Iɴ Eᴠᴇʀʏ Cᴏɴɴᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ Aɴᴅ Sɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ. 

Bᴜᴛ, Tʜᴇ Lᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ Gᴏ Pᴀʀᴛ...

THAT IS SO HARD FOR ME! 

Cᴀʀʀʏɪɴɢ Tʜɪs Aʀᴏᴜɴᴅ Aɴᴅ Cᴏɴsᴛᴀɴᴛʟʏ Wᴏʀʀʏɪɴɢ Aɴᴅ Tʀʏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Fɪx Iᴛ Hᴀs Bᴇᴇɴ Dʀɪᴠɪɴɢ Mᴇ Cʀᴀᴢʏ Wʜᴇɴ Qᴜɪᴛᴇ Fʀᴀɴᴋʟʏ I Hᴀᴠᴇ Mᴜᴄʜ Mᴏʀᴇ Iᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴛ Tʜɪɴɢs Tᴏ Wᴏʀʀʏ Aʙᴏᴜᴛ Rɪɢʜᴛ Nᴏᴡ (Lɪᴋᴇ Tᴀᴋɪɴɢ Cᴀʀᴇ Oғ Mʏ Pʜʏsɪᴄᴀʟ Aɴᴅ Mᴇɴᴛᴀʟ Hᴇᴀʟᴛʜ Aɴᴅ Gᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ Mʏ Mᴜsɪᴄ Dᴏɴᴇ Aɴᴅ Mʏ Mᴏɴᴇʏ Rɪɢʜᴛ Aɴᴅ Mʏ Pʀᴀʏᴇʀ Aɴᴅ Wᴏʀsʜɪᴘ Lɪғᴇ Bᴀᴄᴋ Oɴ Tʀᴀᴄᴋ). I'ᴍ Fɪɢʜᴛɪɴɢ Fᴏʀ Mʏ LIFE! Aɴᴅ, Tʜᴇʀᴇ's Nᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ I Cᴀɴ Dᴏ Tᴏ Cʜᴀɴɢᴇ Aɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ As Tʜᴇ Oɴʟʏ Pᴇʀsᴏɴ I Cᴀɴ Cᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ Iɴ Aɴʏ Sɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ, Nᴏ Mᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ Hᴏᴡ Gᴏᴏᴅ Mʏ Iɴᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs, Is Mᴇ. 

Mʏ Nᴇᴇᴅ Fᴏʀ Cᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ Is Cᴏɴɴᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ Tᴏ Mʏ Pᴇʀғᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴɪsᴍ Wʜɪᴄʜ Is Rᴏᴏᴛᴇᴅ Iɴ Aɴxɪᴇᴛʏ (Aɴᴅ, Fᴇᴀʀ) Bᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ Oғ Tʀᴀᴜᴍᴀ Aɴᴅ Aʙᴜsᴇ. Bᴜᴛ, Rᴇɢᴀʀᴅʟᴇss Oғ Tʜᴇ Oʀɪɢɪɴs, Tʜᴇʏ Aʟʟ Hᴀᴠᴇ Tᴏ Gᴏ Fᴏʀ Mᴇ Tᴏ Bᴇ Aʙʟᴇ Tᴏ Tʀᴜsᴛ GOD Tʜᴇ Wᴀʏ I Nᴇᴇᴅ Tᴏ Tᴏ Mᴀᴋᴇ Wɪsᴇ Dᴇᴄɪsɪᴏɴs Oʀ Gᴇᴛ Aɴʏ Rᴇsᴏʟᴜᴛɪᴏɴ. Iғ I'ᴍ Gᴏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Tʀᴜsᴛ Gᴏᴅ Aɴᴅ Hᴀᴠᴇ Aɴʏ Pᴇᴀᴄᴇ Iɴ Sᴘɪᴛᴇ Oғ Iᴛ Aʟʟ, I HAVE TO LET IT ALL GO. Iғ I'ᴍ Gᴏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Gᴇᴛ Wʜᴇʀᴇ I'ᴍ Gᴏɪɴɢ, I HAVE TO LET IT ALL GO. Iғ Iᴛ's Gᴏɪɴɢ Tᴏ Gᴇᴛ Fɪxᴇᴅ, I HAVE TO LET IT ALL GO. Sᴏ, Tʜᴀᴛ's Wʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ Lᴇᴀʀɴɪɴɢ Tᴏ Dᴏ Aᴛ Aɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ Lᴇᴠᴇʟ Tʜᴀɴ Eᴠᴇʀ Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ. LET IT GO... 

"Oʜ, Wʜᴀᴛ Pᴇᴀᴄᴇ Wᴇ Oғᴛᴇɴ Fᴏʀғᴇɪᴛ... Oʜ, Wʜᴀᴛ Nᴇᴇᴅʟᴇss Pᴀɪɴ Wᴇ Bᴇᴀʀ..."

Gᴏᴅ, I'ᴍ Lᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ Gᴏ. Aɴᴅ, I'ᴍ Sᴄᴀʀᴇᴅ. Pʟᴇᴀsᴇ Sʜᴏᴡ Yᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ Sᴛʀᴏɴɢ...


#𝓐𝓷𝓞𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓲™

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