Just A Few Excerpts From My Life...
Here You Will Find My Poetry (Jumbled Thoughts Usually Written In The Heart Of Volatile Emotion I Had No Other Way To Express), A Collab Or Two, Some Of My Favorite Poems/Poets, Original And/Or Favorite Quotes...A Few Blogs/Brief Essays: Free-Style, Words That Move Me; Strike A Chord In Me, And That I Believe Could Or Should Strike Something In Others...
Take Me In Slowly...I Swim The Depths Of The Soul...And I Am At Home There...
~A
As I Washed My Face Tonight, I Was Momentarily Frozen. I Just Stared And Stared At My Own Reflection...
In That Moment, I Realized That There Used To Be 2 People In The World Who Looked A Great Deal Like Me - Who's Faces Alone Gave Me A True Sense Of Belonging: My Mom And My Sister.
Now, There Is Only One. Perhaps, One Day, None...
There Is Somehow A Loneliness In That Revelation. A Coming To Terms--Sorrowfully... Maybe At Least One Of My Future Babies Will Look Like Me, Too. Not For Vanity -- Just For Continuity. Connection. Sameness. Family...
***A Good Counterfeit Can Fool The Masses, But It Cannot Fool The Master!***
Sometimes We Ask God To Reveal Someone's Character, Motives Or Heart To Us...Then When He Does, We Almost Don't Want To Believe It...
But, When Someone Shows/Tells You Who They Are, And Especially If God Exposes Their True Nature, BELIEVE IT!
When We Pray This Prayer, We're Not Always Prepared For The Outcome, Especially When The Good Doesn't Outweigh The Bad...
Our Hearts Are Eternal Optimists...Hopeless Romantics - Holding Onto Scraps And The Earliest Presentation Of Good Against All Else When The Ugly Truth Is Revealed... I Am The Queen Of This Misguided, Self Destructive, Loving Dysfunction...Holding Onto The Little Good When The Bad Has Swallowed It Whole Without A Trace...(#ImGrowing)
But, If You Pray This Prayer, And The Red Flags Turn Into Flaming Red Fires, Pick Up The Little Broken Pieces Of Your Heart, Give Them Back To God, And Trust Him That He Has Exposed These Things To Protect You From Harm And Prepare You For Greater...No Matter How Good It Felt Or How Deep The Connection SEEMED...
Letting Go Might Hurt Right Now, But That Pain Is To Save You From Yourself...And From Wasting Your Time And Your Love On Something Unworthy Of You... A Little Heartbreak Now Or A Completely Broken You Later... Choose To Love Yourself First, Let It Go, And Wait On The Right One...
***Remember A Good Counterfeit Can Fool The Masses, But It Cannot Fool The Master!***
So, Trust Him To Write Your Love Story And Get Out Of The Way...
#GodLovesYouMore
#DontSettle
Sunday, December 28, 2014
I'm Getting Really Good At Letting Go Of What And Who Is Not Good Or Meant For Me (QUICKLY), Even When My Heart / Soul Doesn't Want To, Or It Glitters Like A Starry Night Despite My Better Judgement... I Can't Hang Onto Anyone Who Diminishes Me, Who's Words And (Mis)Perception Of Me Insult My Soul, Or Anyone Who Has More Future Potential In My Life Than Present Contribution And Value All Dependent Upon Who They May Become When God Has Completed The Work. Not Even For The Prettiest Smile In The World... I Shouldn't Be More Enamored With The Idea And Possibility Of You Than I Am With The Reality Of You... (And, I was). My 2014 Lesson; The Established Rule For Moving Forward: If I Have To Constantly Justify My Interaction With You To Myself, Justify Your Inconsistent Or Selfish Behavior, Justify The Way I Feel When I Leave Your Presence, All While Hoping For Something Better Or Different In The Future From A Place Inside Of You That Is Rarely Exposed And May No Longer Be Authentic (If It Was Ever - You Might Just Be a Good *Ahem* Actor...IJS): That's My Cue. It's Time To Press Delete. Your Brokenness Is Not My Fault Or Responsibility. I'm Not Meant To Walk On Eggshells Or Be Punished, Constantly Corrected, Gaslighted, Manipulated Or Controlled... And Why Be Around Someone When I'm Doing Most Of The Work, They Don't Honor Their Word, AND I Don't Like The Way They Make Me Feel...? If You're Meant To Be In My Life, God Will Complete The Circle. Until Then, I'm Better Off Taking Care Of Myself And Not Adding To My Soul The Burden Of Internalizing You... Unconditional / Agape Love Does Not Equal Martyrdom. I Can Love You From A Distance. I've Learned To Let Go...
one thousand times in an hour and live seven minutes later.
if it is up to me, the sun will never cease to shine
and the moon will never cease to glow
and I’ll dance a million tomorrows
in the sun rays of the moon waves
and bathe in the yesterdays of days to come
ignoring all of my afterthoughts
and preconceived notions
if it is up to me, it is up to me
and thus is my love
untainted
eternal
the wind is the moon’s imagination wandering
it seeps through cracks
explores the unknown
and
ripples the grass
my love is my soul’s imagination
how do I love thee?
imagine
- from The Seventh Octave - The Early Writings of Saul Stacey Williams
***AND THIS***
ETERNITY I closed my eyes Although I never knew the difference I stood before a brighter light At lesser distance And then, a feeling. Almost as if nothing were ever Bound to repeat itself again. As if history had been as masterfully created As the great pyramids And any attempt to reconstruct Or relive any given moment Would have to stem from an understanding Of how the pyramids were built from the top down. And if one could understand such majesty One would also understand that kisses hold codes For unlocking new portals And that pyramids were first made of flesh Our bonded souls shifting Through hidden corrals and passageways I will find my way to eternity Within you... ~ Saul Williams ~
My heart and mind, Body and soul Are united in chorus Screaming for you: My Muse... My Song... "My angel, my all, my other self; My immortal beloved"... Your touch. Your kiss. Your body. Your love... Your love. To touch your love. And call you home. Please come soon...
Every Now And Then You Meet And Have An Organic And Profound Connection With Someone...
You Have A Conversation That, Not Only Changes Your Energy Entirely, Soothes Your Soul, And Challenges Your Jade, But Also Exceeds Your Expectations In EVERY Conceivable Way...
This Is Someone With Whom You Vibe On Every Level Effortlessly...Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually; You Share Values, Perspectives, Depth, And Suddenly You Feel Validated Beyond Belief Just As You Are And A Whole Lot Less Alone In The World...
It doesn't matter that I miss you
'Cause you just won't treat me right
Matters not how much I love you
'Cause you put up no real fight
I just wish I had an anchor
To the truth of my heart's plight
So I'd stop wishing you would fix it
Wish you could with all my might...
But you can't.
And you won't.
And I hate
How my heart hopes
For the impossible...
What you're sure you need...until something...someone comes along and forces you to question everything you've come to believe...challenges everything you think you feel...and shows you that even the best you've experienced is a settlement in comparison to the world of interpersonal wonderment your soul has now been exposed to...could possibly have...should God say so...
It's frightening. Overwhelming. Spending years coming to know yourself and your truth only to be uprooted from it by a chance encounter with someone who you were never even looking for...and an inkling...a gamble...a chance to touch the very nourishment; the complete soul satisfaction that you've longed for...forever...and, in a totally different package and way than you ever dreamed or imagined...
You.
You make me think that everything had purpose. That this improbable trail of impossible tales has led me to the possibility of you. Of Us. Of truth. Truth beyond sight. Truth beyond feeling. Beyond circumstance.
You make me consider a life changing, dream changing, game changing trade and make it feel like the easiest choice in the world... You make me want to hop planes, change lanes, and end up exactly in the same place I was always originally headed on either path, on either side...or both it seems...: Your arms.
You are a truth my heart prays is genuine. Yours is a love my everything craves. You make impossible seem as simple as a choice. To be. To just be. Happy. Safe. Loved.
You terrify me. You satisfy me. You infuriate me. You challenge me. You nourish me. You see me. You might even need me...
You.
You...
What lesson have I stumbled upon in you...
What are you here to teach me?
And will it break my heart...? Me?
Or are you finally the YOU I've waited for my entire life...?
I don't want to miss my blessing looking for my blessing to look like my imagination.
I'd rather my blessing look like my soul's imagination...:
After weeks of vet visits, tests, nursing him long days and sleepless, scary nights, and hoping for the best while fearing and preparing for the worst, I finally know what I've been walking through...and must now face...
Sir Hathaway, my precious baby boy, has metastasized cancer in his lymph nodes, liver and a tumor in his heart. I just got the official diagnosis tonight after waiting for the tests results and X-rays. He is terminal and he will have to be put to sleep. He is only 5...
I'm not ready to to do that yet... I can't. And the vet said it wasn't critical to do so just yet... That there may be a few more precious days of remote life quality for me to share with him... So, he will be on heavy medication for the next week to make him comfortable. If he feels better, we will postpone for a little while so we can enjoy each other with some normalcy for a couple of weeks, so long as he's not suffering (If he's weaker, or in pain, I'll have to say goodbye next week, or sooner, if he lasts that long). That way he will be more like himself and can enjoy the love I will smother him with until it's time to say goodbye in the vet's office where I'll be holding him when he goes to sleep for the final time in my arms.
I'm writing because I cannot speak right now and don't know when I will feel up to...well...anything other than breathing for a while... Please just pray for me, because dealing with my own illness, this move that has been forced upon me against my will in two months (landlord is selling), and everything else I've been going through that I'm not even about to discuss on the web, I'm at the end of my strength and the end of my hope and I just need a lot of prayer, love and light. I feel like I'm drowning in an abyss so dark and dim that I may never see light again. I know that isn't true, but my heart...
My heart...
I don't know how to say goodbye to the entity that has given me the greatest, most unconditional, most amazing love I've ever known outside of God. Over and over again, for the last five+ years, through set backs and abusive relationships, moves and mistakes, heart breaks and disappointments...through it all, that little man has been there. I was his world...and he was shameless in making that known from 5 weeks old when he could still fit in the palm of my hand until this very moment when he heard me sobbing for him and used all if his tiny strength to climb the stairs to be near me. I was always the love of his life, and he has been mine. He loves me better than any person I've ever loved has ever loved me back... He's loved me better than anyone. Even now, he can barely move, and he's trying to comfort me by laying at my feet... He showed me what real love truly is. What it looks like. How it behaves. He has been the greatest teacher for me thus far...
Hathaway saved me. He saved my life in ways I can't even explain more times than I can count. How ironic, then, that I cannot save his...
Our love story is coming to an end. But I am grateful for the precious time we've had. Even now, I am grateful. And, I still have my beloved Amina, his gorgeous little twin, who has always been the life of the party, to keep me company...though I worry for her loss, too... They've never been apart...
...
...
...
...I just hope and pray he will make it through this...these next few days...we can part in the way I imagine and not by surprise... My greatest fear is waking up and finding him... ... ...
...That I can make him feel as loved and as comfortable as possible until the end of our journey together...and that it ends gently, gracefully, painlessly with peace and LOVE...
Mommy loves you, Hathaway (*singing him his personal lullaby*)... Forever and ever and ever...
My Sister Has Since Transitioned From Hereditary Breast Cancer, And, If It Isn't Clear From My Post, The Fault For The Disintegration Of My Family, Proper Relationship With My Father, And Life As A Child--Was Her Selfish And Immoral Mother's (Who Started Sleeping With My Married Father When I Was A Baby Which Is Why We Were Less Than 3 Years Apart), And The Weakness And Irresponsibility Of My Father — Not Her's. I Miss Her. Terribly... Shalom.
Back to you...
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
(CHORUS)
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me
And all over me
(VERSE II)
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
(CHORUS)
(BRIDGE)
I live here on my knees as
I try to make you see that
You're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...
