I Realized Today That I Love My Enemies... No, Really... Like Literally —
I LOVE MY ENEMIES! 😲
I Promise I'm NOT Being Snarky...
And, Wooo! That Ish Is A Lot To Process And Heavy To Hold...
You Know You've Leveled Up Spiritually And You're Vibrating Higher When You Watch Someone Who Knowingly And Intentionally Abused And Violated You From A Position Of Power Inflicting Real Harm, Suffer Or Die, And, Instead Of Feeling Like Karma Gave Them Their Just Due, You Feel Empathy And Sadness.
I Cried Today For Someone With ZERO Integrity Who Legit Tried To Ruin My Life 7 Years Ago...All While My Maternal Grandmother Was Dying. You Don't Forget Milestones Like That... I Will Not Disclose The Details Although Some Of You Do Know Of Whom/What I Speak And How It Almost Went To Court... I Sincerely And Genuinely Wept For His Demise In Spite Of The Truth Of Who He Was And How He Lived Behind Closed Doors; The Details The Well Fooled Masses Weren't Privy To.
He Was Well Insulated By A Very Old (The Oldest), Black, Religious Organization Which Operates A Lot Like The Catholic Church When It Comes To Scandal, Etc. — Politically, Unethically And In The Shadows With Little Concern For Right And Wrong. And, Honestly, It Is Irksome To Watch People Who Are Utterly Ignorant Of The Ugly Things He's Done To Me And Other Women Celebrate Him Like He Was Some Kind Of Role Model, Hero Or Saint. While I Can't Speak To Their Experience Of Him, I Lived The Reality Of Mine — With Receipts.
Still I'm Sad For His Misfortune. And, Thus, Conflicted.
I've Always Had A Big, Soft Heart. But, Mother (Me) Has Also Always Loved Balanced Scales...⚖️. I LOVE JUSTICE. Restitution Is Not Only My Apology Language. It's A Part Of My Foundational Code... Yet, There Is No Reveling In His Suffering. I No Longer Feel Bitterness Towards Him Regarding The Abuse I Suffered At His Hands. I Survived Him, I Healed And I Moved On. I Hadn't Thought Of Him In YEARS.
I Remember Him, Though. He Was Incredibly Arrogant. Narcissistic. He Took Pleasure In Having The Power To Do Me Harm To Cover His Own Ass In Front Of His Congregants And Organization. I Doubt He Even Fully Understood The Magnitude Of His Actions Though He Absolutely Knew They Were Wrong. He Was Incapable Of Considering Others If It Conflicted With His Image Or Ambition. And, Not Only Did I NOT Ever Receive An Apology Or What I Was Owed From His unGodly, Bitter Church Of Crypt Keepers, But, He Lied About Me And What Had Transpired To Protect Himself.
Then His Organization, While Acknowledging That They Believed Me And My Evidence And That This Wasn't The First Legitimate Complaint Against Him, Closed Ranks Around Him Instead Of Protecting And Doing Right By An Innocent Me. For Emphasis, They Had The Power To Make It Right And CHOSE To Do Nothing Because They Were Afraid Of The Repercussions To Their Respective Titles...
To This Day, I Have Absolutely No Respect For This Entire Denomination. And, To Be Clear, I Didn't Have Much Prior To These Events As I Was All Too Familiar With The Foul Way In Which They Operate. I've Had Decades Of Experience Working For Their Churches And My Stepfather Is A Part Of Their Fold... I'm No Novice Or True Outsider.
I Will Say This Much. It Truly Seems That Life Humbled Him Beyond Recognition In His Last Several Months Here On Earth. Perhaps He'd Learned His Lesson And Finally, Genuinely Gotten To Know The God He Used To Play From Behind His Title And The Pulpit. If God Could (Seemingly) Change Him, Maybe, One Day, His Carnal Denomination Will Get To Know God, Too, And It Won't Take A Collective Deathbed To Bring About This Change. Perhaps, A Little Holy Ghost Might Help. That Obvious Lack Would Explain Why They Seem To Continue To Do Wrong With Absolutely No Conviction (And, Their Desert Dry 🤬 Services)...😒
I Digress...
For The Record, I Don't Feel Like His Death Is Any Kind Of Justice On Only My Behalf. It ISN'T. I Don't Even Believe In Capitol Punishment And My Father Was Murdered By A Serial Killer (For Context). I See His Suffering As Human, Not As Retribution. God Doesn't Think Like Us. But, I Do Think We Make Life Choices That Can Have Reverberating Consequences, Especially When We Don't Take Steps To Right Our Wrongs. There Is A Balance To This Universe That Must Be Maintained. However, From My Vantage Point, THIS Was Beyond That. He Suffered FAR Beyond The Damage He Inflicted Upon Me. Knowing This, All I Feel Is Sympathy. Compassion. PITY. It's Disheartening. I Hate To See ANYONE Truly Suffer Or Face Their End In Endless Pain... And, It's Baffling How That Flies In The Face Of My Nature; Of Human Nature.
The Hawkins Wrote A Song Called "What Is This?" That Aptly Describes Spiritual Transformation. It's An Evolution Beyond My Own Power Or Might. Simply Stated: I Didn't Get Here, To Unconditional Compassion, On My Own...
This Self Work; This Time In The Mirror With God, It's Not For The Faint Of Heart. God Is Changing My Base Nature. I'm Learning To Honestly Hold My Peace Even Though My True Nature Is That Of A Fearless (And, Sometimes Reckless) Warrior. And, I No Longer Surmise That The Passage Of Scripture Stating "Whatsoever A Man Soweth That Shall He Also Reap" Is Rhetoric. I've Seen Too Many People Who Have Harmed Me Face A Hell Of Their Own Making. I Couldn't Glory In It Even If I Wanted To (I Don't). Apparently I'm A Punk Who, Sadly, Loves Every Damn Body At My Core. And, I Now Pray Mercy Over My Enemies And Mean It! WTH?
As My Godmother (In My Head), Oprah, Would Say: 'What I Know For Sure' Is... Love Is All That Matters. No One Is All One Thing. There's Bad In The Best Of Us And Good In The Worst Of Us — Even Those Who Have Unjustly Damaged My Life, Heart, Person, Livelihood, Ability To Trust And/Or Good Name And Reputation. I Think My Ability To See This Way — Multidimensionally — Is Why The Intentional Infliction Of Pain Has Always Hurt Me So Deeply And Is So Much Harder To Forgive. I See People Beyond Their Actions. I've Always Been More Invested In The Why Than The What. Motives And Intentions Hold The Greatest Weight For Me. So, I Have Compassion Even When They Are Unworthy And It Is Undeserved. Sometimes I Wish I Didn't...😔
After The Events Of This Day — To Each And Every Person On My List Of Enemies, Frenemies, Foes And/Or Unforgivable Offenses:
I FORGIVE YOU. I Continually Work To Forgive At Deeper Layers And Levels. I Don't Wish Any Harm Upon You. I Still Want VINDICATION And RESTITUTION. Always. Full Stop. But, I Also Love You And I'm Praying For You... For Real. Mercy, Lord... I Don't Want To See ANYONE Else Suffer Like He Did. I Don't Need An Apology (I Still WANT One, But, I Don't NEED One...). Just Do Me A Favor And Remember That Karma Is Real...
I No Longer Want You To Change Anymore. Not For Me. Spirit And Life And Doing The Work Has Changed ME Enough For The Both Of Us.
All Is Well.
Man, God Is Radical...
#Butterpillar 🦋
