Just A Few Excerpts From My Life...
Here You Will Find My Poetry (Jumbled Thoughts Usually Written In The Heart Of Volatile Emotion I Had No Other Way To Express), A Collab Or Two, Some Of My Favorite Poems/Poets, Original And/Or Favorite Quotes...A Few Blogs/Brief Essays: Free-Style, Words That Move Me; Strike A Chord In Me, And That I Believe Could Or Should Strike Something In Others...
Take Me In Slowly...I Swim The Depths Of The Soul...And I Am At Home There...
~A
What you're sure you need...until something...someone comes along and forces you to question everything you've come to believe...challenges everything you think you feel...and shows you that even the best you've experienced is a settlement in comparison to the world of interpersonal wonderment your soul has now been exposed to...could possibly have...should God say so...
It's frightening. Overwhelming. Spending years coming to know yourself and your truth only to be uprooted from it by a chance encounter with someone who you were never even looking for...and an inkling...a gamble...a chance to touch the very nourishment; the complete soul satisfaction that you've longed for...forever...and, in a totally different package and way than you ever dreamed or imagined...
You.
You make me think that everything had purpose. That this improbable trail of impossible tales has led me to the possibility of you. Of Us. Of truth. Truth beyond sight. Truth beyond feeling. Beyond circumstance.
You make me consider a life changing, dream changing, game changing trade and make it feel like the easiest choice in the world... You make me want to hop planes, change lanes, and end up exactly in the same place I was always originally headed on either path, on either side...or both it seems...: Your arms.
You are a truth my heart prays is genuine. Yours is a love my everything craves. You make impossible seem as simple as a choice. To be. To just be. Happy. Safe. Loved.
You terrify me. You satisfy me. You infuriate me. You challenge me. You nourish me. You see me. You might even need me...
You.
You...
What lesson have I stumbled upon in you...
What are you here to teach me?
And will it break my heart...? Me?
Or are you finally the YOU I've waited for my entire life...?
I don't want to miss my blessing looking for my blessing to look like my imagination.
I'd rather my blessing look like my soul's imagination...:
After weeks of vet visits, tests, nursing him long days and sleepless, scary nights, and hoping for the best while fearing and preparing for the worst, I finally know what I've been walking through...and must now face...
Sir Hathaway, my precious baby boy, has metastasized cancer in his lymph nodes, liver and a tumor in his heart. I just got the official diagnosis tonight after waiting for the tests results and X-rays. He is terminal and he will have to be put to sleep. He is only 5...
I'm not ready to to do that yet... I can't. And the vet said it wasn't critical to do so just yet... That there may be a few more precious days of remote life quality for me to share with him... So, he will be on heavy medication for the next week to make him comfortable. If he feels better, we will postpone for a little while so we can enjoy each other with some normalcy for a couple of weeks, so long as he's not suffering (If he's weaker, or in pain, I'll have to say goodbye next week, or sooner, if he lasts that long). That way he will be more like himself and can enjoy the love I will smother him with until it's time to say goodbye in the vet's office where I'll be holding him when he goes to sleep for the final time in my arms.
I'm writing because I cannot speak right now and don't know when I will feel up to...well...anything other than breathing for a while... Please just pray for me, because dealing with my own illness, this move that has been forced upon me against my will in two months (landlord is selling), and everything else I've been going through that I'm not even about to discuss on the web, I'm at the end of my strength and the end of my hope and I just need a lot of prayer, love and light. I feel like I'm drowning in an abyss so dark and dim that I may never see light again. I know that isn't true, but my heart...
My heart...
I don't know how to say goodbye to the entity that has given me the greatest, most unconditional, most amazing love I've ever known outside of God. Over and over again, for the last five+ years, through set backs and abusive relationships, moves and mistakes, heart breaks and disappointments...through it all, that little man has been there. I was his world...and he was shameless in making that known from 5 weeks old when he could still fit in the palm of my hand until this very moment when he heard me sobbing for him and used all if his tiny strength to climb the stairs to be near me. I was always the love of his life, and he has been mine. He loves me better than any person I've ever loved has ever loved me back... He's loved me better than anyone. Even now, he can barely move, and he's trying to comfort me by laying at my feet... He showed me what real love truly is. What it looks like. How it behaves. He has been the greatest teacher for me thus far...
Hathaway saved me. He saved my life in ways I can't even explain more times than I can count. How ironic, then, that I cannot save his...
Our love story is coming to an end. But I am grateful for the precious time we've had. Even now, I am grateful. And, I still have my beloved Amina, his gorgeous little twin, who has always been the life of the party, to keep me company...though I worry for her loss, too... They've never been apart...
...
...
...
...I just hope and pray he will make it through this...these next few days...we can part in the way I imagine and not by surprise... My greatest fear is waking up and finding him... ... ...
...That I can make him feel as loved and as comfortable as possible until the end of our journey together...and that it ends gently, gracefully, painlessly with peace and LOVE...
Mommy loves you, Hathaway (*singing him his personal lullaby*)... Forever and ever and ever...
My Sister Has Since Transitioned From Hereditary Breast Cancer, And, If It Isn't Clear From My Post, The Fault For The Disintegration Of My Family, Proper Relationship With My Father, And Life As A Child--Was Her Selfish And Immoral Mother's (Who Started Sleeping With My Married Father When I Was A Baby Which Is Why We Were Less Than 3 Years Apart), And The Weakness And Irresponsibility Of My Father — Not Her's. I Miss Her. Terribly... Shalom.
Back to you...
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
(CHORUS)
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me
And all over me
(VERSE II)
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
(CHORUS)
(BRIDGE)
I live here on my knees as
I try to make you see that
You're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...
It is my hope that my transparency (translation: nakedness!) in this writing will initiate some dialog that will foster not only my own increase in understanding and growth, but of men and women everywhere with similar goals and desires...
Let me begin...
While this quote has become pop culture cliché, it is still the most succinct beginning I can give this essay of sorts and was the inspiration for the thought process that has brought me to this place, as a woman:
"If you want me, EARN ME!" — Olivia Pope (Scandal)
Defined (My PERSONAL Interpretation/Requirements):
Pursue me correctly. Diligently. Consistently. It's NOT my job to chase you. And, as a whole woman, complete within herself, I NEVER will (Please refer to your Bible for clarity on how this is meant to play out). I am a woman. I am a beautiful, curvy, intelligent, loving, sexy, sensual, well rounded, witty, funny, talented, educated, strong woman of God! I am His Princess...primed and prepared to be nothing less than your Queen should you merit the right to be deemed my King. I owe you nothing more than the green light that let's you know I'm interested and you have my permission to proceed...with caution.
Prove your worth and that you see, know and regard mine. From go. Respect my time and my feelings. Be sensitive without being weak. Don't expect me to be at your beckon call. I, too, have a life. Make plans with me in advance BECAUSE you respect and value my time (exception: romantic spontaneity is permitted *smile*). COURT ME. And, YES...courting is a real thing. Get into it!
KEEP YOUR WORD (I could write that simple sentence 12 more times for emphasis). Follow through. ALL OF THE TIME! Not just when it serves you or you have an agenda. Not out of fear of losing me, but because it is one of the greatest signs that a male is indeed a MAN and has integrity. Follow through even with the small things like phone calls and texting (*note*: I prefer calling to texting...texting feels cowardly, like a wall for you to hide behind — whenever you have the option: CALL). And, in ALL things...: ***BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!***
Apologize when you don't honor your word. Quickly. And don't offer up lame or superfluous excuses in place of genuine remorse and humility when you mess up. That only makes me dubious of your sincerity. I.e.: I just think you're lying or have something to hide. A slip like this and you're back at ground zero with me and must begin earning me all over again. If I'll even allow you the privilege... Trust matters from the beginning.
Make extra efforts to learn me, study me, please me...to make me smile from day one. Sincerely. It shows me a glimpse of the potential of a future with you. And that you're thoughtful, unselfish and are genuinely interested in who I am and not just in what I can do for you or how I make you feel. BE MY FRIEND.
PUT ME FIRST. PERIOD! Above everyone and everything else but God. Not even children should come before your spouse outside of obvious situations (like emergencies), whether they are shared or predate the relationship. There's Bible for that. And, be prepared to leave your mother (regarding prioritization) and cleave to your wife (cut the cord!)... There's Bible for that, too...✂️➰ 1️⃣
#NonNegotiable
Understand that I'm a total package, can exceed all of your needs and expectations, and I can give you everything you want and more (because God has and is preparing me AND I've done and am doing the work). But, because I love and respect myself, I won't give you everything you want up front or more than you've earned as we go. I'll give you more as I deem you worthy. I'll meet you halfway. Not because I don't want to or because I'm a $&#@%, but because no matter what I feel for you, I will always protect myself and place my own virtue, value and needs above yours... You don't become my first ministry until you become my husband. How else will you learn how to value and to treat me...to meet my needs, to match my love potential, if I don't show you by example...?
Be honest. About everything. From women and your past to finances. Omission of truth is deceit by default.
Expose yourself. Your Soul. Your truth(s). Be vulnerable with me and trust that I will protect and cover the most fragile parts of you... Your vulnerability is sacred to me. So very sacred...
I'm a grown woman. An experienced woman with life under her belt and scars all her own. I don't expect, need or even desire perfection. I can love all of you: fears, failures, flaws, insecurities and imperfections. Your light and your dark... After all, this is what I require of you. That's what a real woman does. This is what real love; a real relationship, looks like.
I was created to be your helpmeet and to help you reach your grandest potential. To build you up. To minister to your needs. To satiate and replenish you. To satisfy your soul and your desires. To love you without condition. To speak to and bring alive the King in you. To propel you into destiny, deeper into purpose and closer to your Creator as He loves you THROUGH me. To steadily hold your hand through whatever comes...through any and all weather. To walk with you through hell if need be...
This gives me purpose (in the context of a relationship/courtship/marriage). It is part of the purpose for which I was created and it would please me tremendously to be all of this and more for you. My divine feminine energy craves, respects and will reverence the God in your divine masculine energy... But, I will NOT be your doormat. I will not give myself to you freely or even at a discount. YOU MUST EARN ME. And I will not do things out of order (I.e. perform your role for you...not even with regards to our initiation or your pursuit...according to The Word, that is not meant to be my role). AHEM: Proverbs 18:22(KJV)
22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.
BE THE MAN OF GOD AND OF INTEGRITY THAT YOU CLAIM TO BE! If you can't be trusted to give your best to honor the God you serve, who is the giver and sustainer of your life, how can you be trusted to truly love or honor me??? How can I trust you with my heart (or our future) when God can't trust you with His?
Here is the reality. I was made for you. I want to love you. I hate games. It pleases me to serve you (as independent, strong, self sufficient and career driven as I am). I will exponentially multiply EVERYTHING you place in my hands. I will propel you deeper into your destiny and your purpose. I will submit to your leadership willingly — by my choice and as your equal. I like knowing you can and will take care of me. It makes me feel safe. I want to trust you. Completely. I want to willingly SUBMIT to you BECAUSE I trust you and, more importantly, I trust the God in you to be my covering, protector, provider, lover, my confidant, my best friend, husband and the future father of my children. I want to give you my unequivocal, unconditional ALL, but I need to be able to trust you with that kind of power and the building of that trust commences with the first hello and the foundation on which we begin. A foundation that you, alone, must lay as a man who is seeking to find his 'good thing'. My only role: to be a really good thing...(and I think I've got that covered...;).
I don't want you to jump through hoops for some perverse play of power. I want you to step up your game so we can stop the madness of the game and get about the business of loving each other madly.
So, man of God: do you think you can handle that? Because until you can, I'll be tragically just out of your reach. And, as time is of the essence, and waits for no one, yours/ours may just run out.
While Listening To Vintage James Hall Today As I Was Choosing Music To Assign To AV4AP, This Song Struck Me Differently Than Before, Stayed With Me, And Caused Me Pause...
GOD WANTS A YES... What A Difficult Statement To Process When You Actually Ponder It Beyond Church Cliché.
I Think Maybe Our Unwillingness To Give A Complete Yes Lies Less In Defiance And More In Fear And/Or Ignorance. It's Difficult To Say Yes When The Consequences Of Such A Statement Are Elusive. It's Even Harder, Yet, To 'Stand Still' And Absorb The Layers Of What Yes Requires When Your Very Survival Dictates That You Stay In Constant Motion...
My Biggest And Most Time Consuming Challenge Throughout My Adulthood, Thus Far, Has Been Finding A Balance Between My Dreams/Desires And My Calling. More, It’s Been The Struggle With ‘Yes’ To The Call On My Life For Fear That God's Purpose For Me May Somehow Eliminate My Dreams, Desires And Most Of All, My Freedom. I’m Not New To This World. I Fully Know The Costs. It’s An Expensive Trade.
No Sermon Will Fix This Dilemma (I Could Preach Several Myself That Would Make You Go In)... I Do, However, Draw Courage From The (Para)Phrasing Of My God-Mama Oprah *smile*.
"God Dreams The Bigger Dream."
If I Could Ever Wrap My Mind Around What My Spirit Knows As Truth, That Surrender Can Only Expedite My Dreams And Destiny Because God Will Do "Exceedingly, Abundantly, Above All I Can Ask Or Think", I Might Actually Emerge From Analysis Paralysis And Find My Faith, My Courage, And The Yes That Came So Easily Before I Put Away Childish Things...
This Is Just My Random Observation To An Abstract, Yet Powerful Statement, Made More Vivid To Me Through My Most Fluent Language: Song.
And I'm Remembering What An Exciting Thing That Once Was For Me...In Spite Of The Too Frequent Jealousy And/Or Cruelty Of Church Folks Who Too Often Were Threatened By Anything Different Or Free...(And, I Was Born Both Different And Free)...
And, I Am Saddened.
Not For The Less Than Ideal Memories Of People In Their Lack Of Kindness (And, A Great Many, In Retrospect Were Kinder Than My Child's Mind Realized, Even If They Were The Minority) — But, Because What Once Was My Home, Sanctuary, Safety; The World That Bore Me And For The First Half Of My Life Was The Only World I'd Ever Known; The Place Where I Once Felt God In Potent Doses That Forever Shaped My Relationship With My Creator — Now Reminds Me Of Nothing More Than The Facade Of The Painted Smile On A Fading China Doll In A Well Rehearsed Cage. Impotent. Lifeless. Usually Godless In It's Presentation. Ritual For Ritual's Sake. An Elaborate Weekly Social Event. The Celebration Of People, Leaders, Clothes And Materials...VANITY. Bad Theology And Faulty Doctrine That Has Long Forgotten It's Origins In Love, In Help, In Selfless-ness, Service And Sacrifice... — Has Long Forgotten The Most Basic Christian Premise Of Them All:
GOD IS LOVE.
What I Wouldn't Give To Travel Back In Time As The Woman I Am Now To The Experience That Once Molded The Little Girl Who Will Eternally Live Inside Of Her. To Feel Something Real In The Midst Of A Service; Godly, Spiritual, Without Motive, Greed, Narcissism Or Manipulation... People Who Just Really Loved God, Loved Revelling In His Presence, And Even, On Occasion, When It Really Counted, Loved Each Other... In A Genuine, Tangible Way...
To Worship The God Of My Understanding In Freedom, Spirit And In Truth Sans Hypocrisy Or Judgement.
It Leaves Me Feeling Homeless; Empty... "Like A Motherless Child A Long Way From Home". Disconnected From My Roots, And, Thus, Sometimes From Myself.
—Wishing I Could Somehow Bridge My Dual Worlds, My Two Halves, My Intellect With My Core, My Experience In This World Beyond Those Walls With The Profound And Powerful Foundation Established Within Them... A Fusion Of Tangible And Intangible, Flesh And Spirit. A Full Spiritual Eclipse — A Total Integration Of My Whole Self And Not Just My Socially Or Religiously Acceptable Pieces. Resolution For Cognitive Dissonance And Existential Crisis Juxtaposed The Moments Of Absolute Certainty Spent In The Undeniable Presence Of God, Bathed In His Spirit And His Love. Without Limit.
I'm Left Wishing For; Wanting So Many Things When I Remember Way Back Then...Wishing I Had Something To Look Forward To Come Week's End: A Replenishing, An Uplifting, The Sheer Possibility Of Being Left Somehow Richer, Stronger And Better Than I Was Found. Restored, Renewed, Hopeful, Exponentially Growing Faith... Instead, I Always Find Myself Having To Draw Inspiration From Looking Behind...
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