I Just Ended A Call With The Person Who Represents, Perhaps, One Of The Worst Heartbreaks Of My Life... My Former Best Friend Of Over 20 Years...
No Romantic Split Hurts Like Breaking Up With A Close Friend You've Known Your Entire Life From Early Childhood, Shared Everything With, And Have Incomparable History With. It's True What They Say - You Can't Make A New Old Friend. But, Sometimes As Much As You Love And Miss Someone, Because Of That History, They Are A Luxury Your Heart And Emotions Can No Longer Afford--To Trust, Invest In, Or Depend On... Because You Miss Who They Once Were, Not Who They've Become...
We Were Closer Than Sisters, It's Been Over 8 Years Since We've Spoken, And I Expected Not To Feel Anything Because So Much Time Has Passed, And I Made The Choice To Sever All Ties... Surprise. The Joke Was On Me. Because, That Level Of Effortless Familiarity With Someone Who In Many Ways Is Now A Complete Stranger Hurts Like Hell.
She Was So Happy To Hear My Voice. Giddy, Even. She'd Been On My Mind, Because She Had Run Into My Mom At A Convention And Passed Her Number Through Her To Me Months Earlier. The Amount Of Time It Took Me To Deliberate. Smart. I Guess She Still Knew Me Well Enough To Know Not To Call Even Though My Number Never Changed. I Was Clear On Our Finality. I Am Stern In My Resolve When I Make A Final Decision. I'm A Taurus. I've Always Been...
She Wants To Stay In Touch... Wants To Call And Text Sometimes. She's Clearly Looking For Reconnection. She Was Warm. Vulnerable. Open. I Was As Cold As Ice. Not Because I'm Unfeeling--But Because I Feel Entirely Too Much. There Is Too Much Left Unsaid. Still. Too Much That Was Never Said Even When I Uttered Those Fateful Words Just Before Her Wedding, "Let's Just Not Do This Anymore. You're Not My Friend And You Haven't Been For A Long Time, So Let's Stop Pretending"... It Was The Last Time We Ever Spoke--Until Today.
To Be Clear, It Was No Petty Breakup. It Had Been Building And Festering Inside Of My Heart For Years... Starting With The Day, 10 Years Earlier, When My "Best Friend" Missed My Father's Funeral. My Father Who Had Been Murdered In The Church He Pastored By A Serial Killer Named Juan Covington. That's Just A Snippet From The Highlight Reel Of Selfishness And A Gross Lack In Reciprocity (Though, To Be Clear, Was The Greatest Offense Of All--An Offense That I Swallowed, Accepted Shallow Excuses For, And Moved On From Like Nothing Was Wrong, But Never Fully Rebounded From... A Blunder Of Youth...).
There Are Some Things You Never Forget. And, Forgiveness Feels Hollow When There's Never Been Proper Communique Or Contrition About The Events That Served As Scissors To Cut The Ties That Bound... It's Always Water Under The Bridge When Time Has Gone By For The Offender. Not So Much For The Offended... To Her, The Past Is The Past, So Let's Just Move On From Here And Never Discuss It Honestly, Gain Clarity, Offer Apologies, Etc...
Tell That To My Heart...
I Need To Share Everything That Hurt Me. I Need To Be Understood. I Need Responsibility Taken, And Apologies Offered, Otherwise What Common Ground Could We Ever Have Again With A Tug-of-war Brewing Just Beneath My Surface Every Time We Were To Speak? What Authentic Healing Or Relationship Could Ever Come Out Of Treading Lightly Around The Truth? That Goes Against My Very Nature. It's The Very Reason I Have No Relationship With My Delusional, Oldest Biological Sister. I Can't Live In A Fantasy World Of Fractures, Scars And Gushing Wounds And Pretend They Aren't Bleeding All Over The Floor. I Can't Do Shallow. I Can't Put A Bandaid On Cancer... You Either Kill Cancer Or You Cut It Out... Otherwise, Cancer Kills Everything Around It... Then, You.
So, She Wants To Slowly Attempt To Rebuild Our Friendship--Or, Something Of The Like. She Asked If It Would Be OK If She Kept In Touch... I Realize, In Retrospect, I Sound Like A Monster In This Conversation. I Wasn't. I'm Not. I'm Just Not Emotionally Available To Her, And Thankfully, She Still Knows Me Well Enough To Perceive And Respect That.
She Wants To Be A Part Of My Life. I Think, After Losing My Bio Sister Last Year, Who I Wasn't Nearly As Close To Growing Up, I Just Needed Closure... I Don't Think My Heart Can Risk Anything More. I Don't Think I Have The Strength To Utter The Three Most Basic Words That Must Be Said Because I Think They Will Fall On Deaf Ears...: "You Hurt Me".
No One Can Hurt You Like A Sister/Best/Old Friend... And, I'm Just Not Ready, Or Willing, Or Maybe I'm Just Too Damn Stubborn To Tear Down These Walls And Try Again...💔 I Don't Even Know How... Where Would I Even Begin? I've Always Been Of The Mindset That If You Have To Explain And Justify To Someone How And Why They Hurt You, Then What Is Even The Point? Because, It Is Unlikely They Will Even Understand And You'll Be Left Worse Off Than Before The Attempt Was Made. No, That's Historically Where I Exit Stage Left, For Better Or For Worse. For Safety. And, For Sanity. Even With Family.
Part Of Me Wishes I Was...Open--That I Could Will Myself; My Heart Open. But, I Can Not. With All Of The Shared History, All Of The Unspoken Pain And Contention Of Wounds That Were Left To Fester Too Long In The Emotional Cowardice And Inability To Be Vulnerable Of My Twenties... It Isn't Water Under The Bridge. It's A Gaping Hole In My Heart, And It Just Hurts Too Much To Even Try... I'm Just Not Ready.
I Guess I Just Needed To Say This Out Loud To Whomever Would Listen (Read) Without Judgement... Can Anyone Relate? 💔
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