The Poetic Soul Of ÅnØmålî™...

Just A Few Excerpts From My Life... Here You Will Find My Poetry (Jumbled Thoughts Usually Written In The Heart Of Volatile Emotion I Had No Other Way To Express), A Collab Or Two, Some Of My Favorite Poems/Poets, Original And/Or Favorite Quotes...A Few Blogs/Brief Essays: Free-Style, Words That Move Me; Strike A Chord In Me, And That I Believe Could Or Should Strike Something In Others... Take Me In Slowly...I Swim The Depths Of The Soul...And I Am At Home There... ~A

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Location: Catch Me If You Can..., , United States


...Songstress.Writer.Freedom Fighter.Muse.Rebel.Actress.Prophet.Poet.Musician.Genre Bender.GOD Lover.Dichotomy.Trailblazer.World Changer. Blah, Blah, Blah...

"Art Is The Reason I Get Up In The Morning..."

By The Very Definition Of My Name, I Am Without Rules, Boundaries, Or The Confines Of This World...

"In This World, But Not Of This World"...

Simply Stated: I DON'T DO BOXES!

My Music; My Writing; Is My Soul Poured Onto Canvas. I Am Utterly Naked And Without Pretense Or Shame. To Understand It; To Truly Connect With My Words Is To Know Some Genuine Piece Of Me…Infinitely.

~ÅnØmålî~

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Untitled (Working Title: The Air I Breathe...)


I'm in love with you like air. Like, I never realized I needed to breathe, that I would die without breathing, and that I needed air. And, then came you, and, like the day the God breathed life into Adam, my lungs filled up with you, never to survive a day without you again...

I need you to be ok. I need you be alive. I need you be well. I'm going insane with worry... Please don't take away my oxygen...

In these days of worry and uncertainty, in spite of the fact that I'm going through my own personal hell right now, I'm so distracted by the urgent realization that I'm so in love with you that I can not breathe...

I love you like I've never loved anyone ever before in my life and I can't even explain it. It's beyond me. Above me. Greater than me...

You're him. You're the one. Please be the one. Please be OK. Please let me breathe you forever. In and out of time. In and out of space... Be my space. Be in my space... Let me inhale you... Take you into my soul and feel safe at home. You are my home. You are my air. You are my one, and I can't breathe without you...

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Sunday, February 26, 2017

Old Friends, Foes, And Frenemies...


I Just Ended A Call With The Person Who Represents, Perhaps, One Of The Worst Heartbreaks Of My Life... My Former Best Friend Of Over 20 Years...

No Romantic Split Hurts Like Breaking Up With A Close Friend You've Known Your Entire Life From Early Childhood, Shared Everything With, And Have Incomparable History With. It's True What They Say - You Can't Make A New Old Friend. But, Sometimes As Much As You Love And Miss Someone, Because Of That History, They Are A Luxury Your Heart And Emotions Can No Longer Afford--To Trust, Invest In, Or Depend On... Because You Miss Who They Once Were, Not Who They've Become...

We Were Closer Than Sisters, It's Been Over 8 Years Since We've Spoken, And I Expected Not To Feel Anything Because So Much Time Has Passed, And I Made The Choice To Sever All Ties... Surprise. The Joke Was On Me. Because, That Level Of Effortless Familiarity With Someone Who In Many Ways Is Now A Complete Stranger Hurts Like Hell.

She Was So Happy To Hear My Voice. Giddy, Even. She'd Been On My Mind, Because She Had Run Into My Mom At A Convention And Passed Her Number Through Her To Me Months Earlier. The Amount Of Time It Took Me To Deliberate. Smart. I Guess She Still Knew Me Well Enough To Know Not To Call Even Though My Number Never Changed. I Was Clear On Our Finality. I Am Stern In My Resolve When I Make A Final Decision. I'm A Taurus. I've Always Been...

She Wants To Stay In Touch... Wants To Call And Text Sometimes. She's Clearly Looking For Reconnection. She Was Warm. Vulnerable. Open. I Was As Cold As Ice. Not Because I'm Unfeeling--But Because I Feel Entirely Too Much. There Is Too Much Left Unsaid. Still. Too Much That Was Never Said Even When I Uttered Those Fateful Words Just Before Her Wedding, "Let's Just Not Do This Anymore. You're Not My Friend And You Haven't Been For A Long Time, So Let's Stop Pretending"... It Was The Last Time We Ever Spoke--Until Today.

To Be Clear, It Was No Petty Breakup. It Had Been Building And Festering Inside Of My Heart For Years... Starting With The Day, 10 Years Earlier, When My "Best Friend" Missed My Father's Funeral. My Father Who Had Been Murdered In The Church He Pastored By A Serial Killer Named Juan Covington. That's Just A Snippet From The Highlight Reel Of Selfishness And A Gross Lack In Reciprocity (Though, To Be Clear, Was The Greatest Offense Of All--An Offense That I Swallowed, Accepted Shallow Excuses For, And Moved On From Like Nothing Was Wrong, But Never Fully Rebounded From... A Blunder Of Youth...).

There Are Some Things You Never Forget. And, Forgiveness Feels Hollow When There's Never Been Proper Communique Or Contrition About The Events That Served As Scissors To Cut The Ties That Bound... It's Always Water Under The Bridge When Time Has Gone By For The Offender. Not So Much For The Offended... To Her, The Past Is The Past, So Let's Just Move On From Here And Never Discuss It Honestly, Gain Clarity, Offer Apologies, Etc...

Tell That To My Heart...

I Need To Share Everything That Hurt Me. I Need To Be Understood. I Need Responsibility Taken, And Apologies Offered, Otherwise What Common Ground Could We Ever Have Again With A Tug-of-war Brewing Just Beneath My Surface Every Time We Were To Speak? What Authentic Healing Or Relationship Could Ever Come Out Of Treading Lightly Around The Truth? That Goes Against My Very Nature. It's The Very Reason I Have No Relationship With My Delusional, Oldest Biological Sister. I Can't Live In A Fantasy World Of Fractures, Scars And Gushing Wounds And Pretend They Aren't Bleeding All Over The Floor. I Can't Do Shallow. I Can't Put A Bandaid On Cancer... You Either Kill Cancer Or You Cut It Out... Otherwise, Cancer Kills Everything Around It... Then, You.

So, She Wants To Slowly Attempt To Rebuild Our Friendship--Or, Something Of The Like. She Asked If It Would Be OK If She Kept In Touch... I Realize, In Retrospect, I Sound Like A Monster In This Conversation. I Wasn't. I'm Not. I'm Just Not Emotionally Available To Her, And Thankfully, She Still Knows Me Well Enough To Perceive And Respect That.

She Wants To Be A Part Of My Life. I Think, After Losing My Bio Sister Last Year, Who I Wasn't Nearly As Close To Growing Up, I Just Needed Closure... I Don't Think My Heart Can Risk Anything More. I Don't Think I Have The Strength To Utter The Three Most Basic Words That Must Be Said Because I Think They Will Fall On Deaf Ears...: "You Hurt Me".

No One Can Hurt You Like A Sister/Best/Old Friend... And, I'm Just Not Ready, Or Willing, Or Maybe I'm Just Too Damn Stubborn To Tear Down These Walls And Try Again...💔 I Don't Even Know How... Where Would I Even Begin? I've Always Been Of The Mindset That If You Have To Explain And Justify To Someone How And Why They Hurt You, Then What Is Even The Point? Because, It Is Unlikely They Will Even Understand And You'll Be Left Worse Off Than Before The Attempt Was Made. No, That's Historically Where I Exit Stage Left, For Better Or For Worse. For Safety. And, For Sanity. Even With Family.

Part Of Me Wishes I Was...Open--That I Could Will Myself; My Heart Open. But, I Can Not. With All Of The Shared History, All Of The Unspoken Pain And Contention Of Wounds That Were Left To Fester Too Long In The Emotional Cowardice And Inability To Be Vulnerable Of My Twenties... It Isn't Water Under The Bridge. It's A Gaping Hole In My Heart, And It Just Hurts Too Much To Even Try... I'm Just Not Ready.

I Guess I Just Needed To Say This Out Loud To Whomever Would Listen (Read) Without Judgement... Can Anyone Relate? 💔


Saturday, January 07, 2017

On Kim Burrell And The Misrepresentation Of Christians Everywhere By Fundamentalists And The Right (Wrong)...


(This Is Being Copied From A Post/Rant Made On My Facebook Page That Accidentally Turned Into A Blog...)

I Wasn't Going To Address This Again, And I Was Very Graceful In My Only Address Earlier This Week... HOWEVER, I'm Angry Now! And, I'm Too Sick And Exhausted To Internalize It And Damage Myself Any Further--I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP, So, To That End, I Need To Get It Out. Here Goes...:

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

SERIOUSLY???

This ***KIM BURRELL*** Debacle Is Doing As Much To Expose My Hateful HOMOPHOBIC So-called "CHRISTIAN" Friends As The ***TRUMP ELECTION*** Did To Expose My RACIST And IGNORANT "WHITE FRIENDS" And Truly Stupid, Self Loathing Friends Of Color!!!

This Is Not Even About Kim Anymore! It's About The Use Of Her Sentiments As A Divisive Tool Of Oppression To Spew Hate All Over Facebook! I'm Seriously About To Go On Another Deleting Spree If I See Any More Ridiculous Posts! I'm Not Going To Argue With People Who Are Less Informed Than I (Or, My Ivy League Educated Pastor, Bishop, Professor, Biblical Scholar, Ph.D. Mentors And Friends Who Could Give You A Better And Less Emotionally Driven Dissertation Than I On The Matter At Hand) About God AND The BIBLE. You May Be Temporarily Able To Holler Louder And With Far Less Etiquette Or Class, But That Doesn't Make Your Godless Separatism Right...

My God Is A God Of LOVE, And Most Of You Know About As Much About Genuine Biblical Study (Or, Love) As You Do Pakistani Politics... That Is To Say:  EXACTLY NOTHING!

You BLACK Christians Are Especially Embarrassing - (And, To Be Clear, I AM Both Black AND Christian) - Because All You're Doing Is Naively And Hatefully Spewing What White Massa Taught Your Ancestors...NOT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE STUDIED THROUGH ANY ACCREDITED CLASS AND KNOW TO BE TRUE! It's Actually "Simon Says" En Masse! Monkey See, Monkey Do... Why Don't You Ask Those Slaves How Following The Misinterpreted Letter Of The Law Worked For Them Instead Of Embracing The Spirit Of It...! How Can You Claim To Worship In God's Presence; To Love GOD--Who IS LOVE, But Live In Hate? How Are You Ok With Injustice And Cruelty So Long As It Doesn't Affect YOU?

Here's A Scripture You Should Probably Commit To Memory While You're Quoting Leviticus And Eating Shrimp Wrapped In Bacon...:

"Micah 6:8
 
       He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do JUSTICE, and to love kindness (KJV = mercy), and to walk HUMBLY with your God?"

Or, How About This One...?

"Matthew 22:37-40

       37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

You AME's Quote That One Rhetorically EVERY SUNDAY! (I've Played For Enough Of Your Churches To Know!).

And, While We Are At It, Don't Sing Or Play One Single Song Written Or Performed By Another Queer Gospel Artist EVER (Living Or Dead, GMWA)! OH, WAIT! YOU CAN'T -- BECAUSE YOU'D HAVE ALMOST NOTHING LEFT TO SING (Don't Make Me Start Naming Your Favorites!)! If Every LGBTQIA Person In Church (Especially Leadership) Was Outted At Once, You'd Probably Have A Mass Stroke! And, You Homophobic CHURCH Musicians Really Need To Quit Because You Know In Your Hearts Half Of Your Homies And Most Of Your Mentors Are GAY, GAY, GAY! So, Have Several 🛋️🛋️🛋️!

I Don't Do Stupid, Intentionally Ignorant, And I Especially Don't Do Them With Hate Mixed In, And In The Name Of My God! Pick Up A Book... Take A Class! God And Science Are NOT Mutually Exclusive! LEARN SOMETHING! And, While You're Giving Your Heart To Jesus, BRING YOUR BRAIN TO CHURCH!

You Are NOT Fit To Judge ANYBODY! And, If You Do Think Of Yourself "More Highly Than You Ought", I Pray Your Hidden Places Get Exposed, Too. Maybe The Only Way To Learn How To Love Like The Christ You Claim To Serve Is To Be Humbled In PUBLIC, So You'll See That You Are No Better Than Those You Publicly Condemn...

I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I Don't Want To Hear, See, Or Discuss This Any Further In Debate. If You're Not Trying To Learn And Grow And Walk In Agape, Please Miss Me With The Foolishness.

GOD LOVES EVERYBODY! And, God Can Use ANYBODY!

#GetIntoItOrGetOverIt #LoveIsAll

I Love You ALL, But My Bible NEVER Said I Couldn't Love You From A Distance. Get RIGHT Or Get LEFT! Shalom.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

PS: If You Come For Me Wrong (Disrespectfully) On MY Page About MY Post, You Will Get Dragged (By A Multitude - She/Me/Her Is Loved By A Great Many Children Who Also Love Jesus)! #YouveBeenWarned

Saturday, September 03, 2016

...On Being Single, Christian, And Female Over 30 In 2016...


#THIS Article (Link Above) Is As Real As It Gets...

We Were Made To Be Coupled, And There Isn't A Flaw In Knowing That A Huge Portion Of Your Destiny Is Attached To The Mate That God's Chosen For You In His Perfect Will - And, Even A Permissive Will Partner Might Be More Desirable Than An Eternity Of Singleness Some Days... Yet, For The Single Amongst Us - The "Church" Is Negligent...

Being Single Doesn't Mean You're Not Ready Or Not Whole... Some Of You Couples Just Settled Rather Than Being Alone While We Continue To Ready Ourselves For Someone Who's Face We've Never Seen (And, That's Called #Faith). And--The Not Settling - That Proves Both #SelfLoveMastery, #Wholeness And #Readiness... #RealTalk

#SoWeWorkWhileWeWait
#ProactiveAndOverPrepared

PS: Here Is A Poignant Response To This Article:

Thursday, May 05, 2016

And, The Tree Was Happy...
(The Christ-Like Tree)



I Find Tremendous Peace, Satisfaction And Joy In Having Empathy And Agape For Those In My Life Who Aren't Necessarily Worthy, But Who Have Found A Place In My Heart Nonetheless... It Does Something For My Soul To Be Able To See The Pain, Roots And Intentions Beneath Behavior That Might Otherwise Cause Me To Internalize, Put Up Walls, Become Offended, Defensive And Withdraw...

"The Giving Tree" Was My Favorite Book When I Was A Little Girl, Although At The Time, No One Understood Why... It Seems That No Matter Our Journey, We Are Who We Are, And My Heart Has Found It's Way Back To It's Roots And My Truth. To The Little Girl Who Loved That Tree. It Gives Me Pleasure To Give Love Away. That Book Validated My Soul Before I Was Even Old Enough To Understand Why Or What It Meant.


I Love Because I Do. Not Because It Is Merited Or Reciprocal. Not Because It's Well Deserved. Not Because Those I Choose To Love Always Treat Me Well. Love Simply Is. When I Am My Best Self, It Is My Choice: My Only Choice, Regardless Of It All. And Even When It Hurts, I Am Far Better This Way...Learning To Love, In Patience, And In Practice, Without Conditions, And Willing To Give My All...





Sunday, April 17, 2016

Intimacy... (Extension Of "The Manual")


If You Really Want To Impress Me With A Great Date, Invite Me To Pray With You - Genuinely, As The Point And The Purpose Of Our Coming Together... #Presence

If You Want To Wow Me, Up The Ante To WORSHIP... #Intimacy

If You Can Truly Usher Me Into God's Authentic Presence And Connect With Me Profoundly In That Experience, You Just Might Have Me At Hello...

#SpiritualGSpot
#SatisfyMySoul
#HappySonDay

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

The Counterfeit: And, How NOT To Settle...

This Is A Word...

***A Good Counterfeit Can Fool The Masses, But It Cannot Fool The Master!***


Sometimes We Ask God To Reveal Someone's Character, Motives Or Heart To Us...Then When He Does, We Almost Don't Want To Believe It...

But, When Someone Shows/Tells You Who They Are, And Especially If God Exposes Their True Nature, BELIEVE IT!

When We Pray This Prayer, We're Not Always Prepared For The Outcome, Especially When The Good Doesn't Outweigh The Bad...

Our Hearts Are Eternal Optimists...Hopeless Romantics - Holding Onto Scraps And The Earliest Presentation Of Good Against All Else When The Ugly Truth Is Revealed... I Am The Queen Of This Misguided, Self Destructive, Loving Dysfunction...Holding Onto The Little Good When The Bad Has Swallowed It Whole Without A Trace...(#ImGrowing)


But, If You Pray This Prayer, And The Red Flags Turn Into Flaming Red Fires, Pick Up The Little Broken Pieces Of Your Heart, Give Them Back To God, And Trust Him That He Has Exposed These Things To Protect You From Harm And Prepare You For Greater...No Matter How Good It Felt Or How Deep The Connection SEEMED...

Letting Go Might Hurt Right Now, But That Pain Is To Save You From Yourself...And From Wasting Your Time And Your Love On Something Unworthy Of You... A Little Heartbreak Now Or A Completely Broken You Later... Choose To Love Yourself First, Let It Go, And Wait On The Right One...

***Remember A Good Counterfeit Can Fool The Masses, But It Cannot Fool The Master!***

So, Trust Him To Write Your Love Story And Get Out Of The Way...

#GodLovesYouMore
#DontSettle

Sunday, December 28, 2014



I'm Getting Really Good At Letting Go Of What And Who Is Not Good Or Meant For Me (QUICKLY), Even When My Heart / Soul Doesn't Want To, Or It Glitters Like A Starry Night Despite My Better Judgement... I Can't Hang Onto Anyone Who Diminishes Me, Who's Words And (Mis)Perception Of Me Insult My Soul, Or Anyone Who Has More Future Potential In My Life Than Present Contribution And Value All Dependent Upon Who They May Become When God Has Completed The Work. Not Even For The Prettiest Smile In The World... I Shouldn't Be More Enamored With The Idea And Possibility Of You Than I Am With The Reality Of You... 

(And, I was).

My 2014 Lesson; The Established Rule For Moving Forward: If I Have To Constantly Justify My Interaction With You To Myself, Justify Your Inconsistent Or Selfish Behavior, Justify The Way I Feel When I Leave Your Presence, All While Hoping For Something Better Or Different In The Future From A Place Inside Of You That Is Rarely Exposed And May No Longer Be Authentic (If It Was Ever - You Might Just Be a Good *Ahem* Actor...IJS): That's My Cue. It's Time To Press Delete. Your Brokenness Is Not My Fault Or Responsibility. I'm Not Meant To Walk On Eggshells Or Be Punished, Constantly Corrected, Gaslighted, Manipulated Or Controlled... And Why Be Around Someone When I'm Doing Most Of The Work, They Don't Honor Their Word, AND I Don't Like The Way They Make Me Feel...?

If You're Meant To Be In My Life, God Will Complete The Circle. Until Then, I'm Better Off Taking Care Of Myself And Not Adding To My Soul The Burden Of Internalizing You... Unconditional / Agape Love Does Not Equal Martyrdom. I Can Love You From A Distance. I've Learned To Let Go...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

My Favorite LOVE Poems By Saul...


by
Saul Williams


(because this is how my heart is leaning at present... #Open
The square root of kiss is a hum
I hum under my breath when I contemplate the drum
of your heartbeat
and my heart beats for your breath
I revel in the wind for mere glimpses
I’m tornado over you
would you look into the eye of my storm
I whirlwind through your life like breeze
and fill your lungs
as we achieve the second power of a hum
I love…
as instruments come to life
through breath
the wind sends my high notes to indigo communions
with Coltrane’s Favorite Things
…this is my body which is given for you,
this is my blood which is given for you…
my love like the wind, uncaged
blows time into timeless whirlpools
transfiguring fear and all of its subordinates
(possession, jealousy, fear)
into crumbling dried leaves
my love
is the wind’s slave
and, thus, is free
my love
is the wind that is shaped
as it passes through the lips of earthly vessels
becoming words of wisdom
songs of freedom
or simply hot air
my love
is the wind’s song
if it is up to me, I’ll never die.
if it is up to me, I’ll die tomorrow
one thousand times in an hour and live seven minutes later.
if it is up to me, the sun will never cease to shine
and the moon will never cease to glow
and I’ll dance a million tomorrows
in the sun rays of the moon waves
and bathe in the yesterdays of days to come
ignoring all of my afterthoughts
and preconceived notions
if it is up to me, it is up to me
and thus is my love
untainted
eternal
the wind is the moon’s imagination wandering
it seeps through cracks
explores the unknown
and
ripples the grass
my love is my soul’s imagination
how do I love thee?
imagine

- from The Seventh Octave - The Early Writings of Saul Stacey Williams

***AND THIS***


ETERNITY

I closed my eyes

Although I never knew the difference
I stood before a brighter light
At lesser distance
And then, a feeling.
Almost as if nothing were ever
Bound to repeat itself again.
As if history had been as masterfully created
As the great pyramids
And any attempt to reconstruct
Or relive any given moment
Would have to stem from an understanding
Of how the pyramids were built from the top down.
And if one could understand such majesty
One would also understand that kisses hold codes
For unlocking new portals
And that pyramids were first made of flesh
Our bonded souls shifting
Through hidden corrals and passageways
I will find my way to eternity
Within you...

~ Saul Williams ~

Pining For The One...


My heart and mind,
Body and soul
Are united in chorus
Screaming for you:
My Muse...
My Song...
"My angel, my all, my other self;
My immortal beloved"...

Your touch.
Your kiss.
Your body.
Your love...
Your love.
To touch your love.
And call you home.

Please come soon...


~AnOmali™~

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Just A Tiny Note In Time...Just In Case...


Every Now And Then You Meet And Have An Organic And Profound Connection With Someone...

You Have A Conversation That, Not Only Changes Your Energy Entirely, Soothes Your Soul, And Challenges Your Jade, But Also Exceeds Your Expectations In EVERY Conceivable Way...

This Is Someone With Whom You Vibe On Every Level Effortlessly...Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually; You Share Values, Perspectives, Depth, And Suddenly You Feel Validated Beyond Belief Just As You Are And A Whole Lot Less Alone In The World...

Especially If You're An "AnOmali"...

Yeah...Today Was A Good Day...

*smiles... ... ...*

‪#‎Grateful‬
‪#‎RealConnection‬

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

And It's Never Enough...


I've infinite options
And none with a clue
They dance for my smiles
The unwitting fools
Because they don't realize
The God awful truth
I'll only resent them
For not being you...


Monday, March 03, 2014

On Invisible Love...



It doesn't matter that I miss you
'Cause you just won't treat me right
Matters not how much I love you
'Cause you put up no real fight
I just wish I had an anchor
To the truth of my heart's plight
So I'd stop wishing you would fix it
Wish you could with all my might...

But you can't.
And you won't.
And I hate
How my heart hopes
For the impossible...


Sunday, February 09, 2014

Love Eclipses Truth...

(1st Draft Of The Other Side Of An Internal War)


(The Opponent: Inexplicable LOVE)

How can I be here for you
Knowing you must traverse this all alone?
I pray my love will comfort you
I'll prop you up when all your strength is gone

I'll be your silent cheering squad
I'll hold you from a distance, from afar
And no matter what you choose
I'll lay down my will with all my heart

My love has no agenda here
There is no selfish purpose to pursue
And regardless of the outcome
I want only your best; I believe in you.

So take your space and take your time
I want you whole, I want to see you healed
And if you wonder if someone will hold you down
I love you and I will.



My Synonyms For Love:  Faith, Hope, Vision, Trust, Knowing/ The Known, Selflessness, Humility, Steadfastness


Saturday, February 08, 2014

Overlapping...The Truth

(1st Draft Of One Side Of An Internal War)


(Legitimate FEAR: It's Opponent To Follow)

I don't want to be 
Your pain's great escape
A rebound: Or reboot
Your fearful enclave

You can't fall for me
Yet still grieve for her(s)
I'll clear out the path 
I know my own worth

I'm in love with you
It's palpable; real
Maybe you're in love with 
How I make you feel

Inevitably
I'll just end up hurt
I've no time to lose
I can't be deterred

My time is too precious
And you need to heal
My heart is no fodder
For jeopardy's wheel.

I must walk away
From this beautiful dream
With eyes opened wide
To inconsistency

Transference of feelings
I'm no substitute
If it's real, God reveal...
Until then, Love, 

Adieu.


My Synonyms For Fear:  Common Sense, Reality, Grounded-ness, Statistics, Self Preservation, Time Management, Self Control, General Control

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

"JUST BELIEVE"



(My Latest Finished Musical Creation...Track To Follow...)

(Verse I)
I used to think that I could fly
I even reached up to the sky
Then one by one my dreams they died
There's a thousand reasons why
(Oh) I, I stopped trying
Inside me there's a raging war
'Cause part of my wants so much more
I'm looking for that open door
All I want to do is soar
Outside of these lines

(Pre Chorus)
My fear has kept me bound to indecision
Why am I so afraid of my own vision?

(Chorus I)
What if I
Take the chance
Take the leap
Off this cliff and have faith in this
Dream?
What if we
Just Believe
That we can have more than we perceive?
What if we
Just believe?
Just believe...

(Verse II)
I have nothing left to lose
Found the faith to light the fuse
Gotta try it win or lose
All I have to do is choose
My own destiny
But, there's a voice inside of me
That says it isn't wise to dream
To accept what I can see
'cause what I want will never be
I'm my own enemy...

(Pre Chorus II)
I've been so afraid of this monster we call time
But I Can't live my life with regret
I guess I'll have to try
Better delayed than denied

( Chorus II - Call & Response)
What if I (never had the faith to try)
Take the chance (luck was never on my side)
Take the leap (but now that it's do or die)
Off this cliff and have faith in this (I'll try to have faith in this)
Dream (but what if I fail again)
What if we (I don't have a back-up plan)
Just Believe (I am trying to pretend)
That we can have more than we perceive (can have more than we perceive)
What if we (I'm trying to believe)
Just believe?
Just believe (believe)

(Bridge)
I'll close my eyes 'cause I'm afraid of falling
And what happens if I don't answer this calling
I'll build a bridge out of faith
When the ground gives way under my feet...

(Chorus II)


~AnOmali™~©


Thursday, October 17, 2013

God's Imagination...



You think you know what you want...

What you're sure you need...until something...someone comes along and forces you to question everything you've come to believe...challenges everything you think you feel...and shows you that even the best you've experienced is a settlement in comparison to the world of interpersonal wonderment your soul has now been exposed to...could possibly have...should God say so...

It's frightening. Overwhelming. Spending years coming to know yourself and your truth only to be uprooted from it by a chance encounter with someone who you were never even looking for...and an inkling...a gamble...a chance to touch the very nourishment; the complete soul satisfaction that you've longed for...forever...and, in a totally different package and way than you ever dreamed or imagined...

You.

You make me think that everything had purpose. That this improbable trail of impossible tales has led me to the possibility of you. Of Us. Of truth. Truth beyond sight. Truth beyond feeling. Beyond circumstance.

You make me consider a life changing, dream changing, game changing trade and make it feel like the easiest choice in the world... You make me want to hop planes, change lanes, and end up exactly in the same place I was always originally headed on either path, on either side...or both it seems...: Your arms.

You are a truth my heart prays is genuine. Yours is a love my everything craves. You make impossible seem as simple as a choice. To be. To just be. Happy. Safe. Loved.

You terrify me. You satisfy me. You infuriate me. You challenge me. You nourish me. You see me. You might even need me...

You.

You...

What lesson have I stumbled upon in you...

What are you here to teach me?

And will it break my heart...? Me?

Or are you finally the YOU I've waited for my entire life...?

I don't want to miss my blessing looking for my blessing to look like my imagination.

I'd rather my blessing look like my soul's imagination...:

God's imagination.

I'm open...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Invisible... (aka: Reflection)


(1st Draft...In Progress)

I've Fallen In Love
With Your Words From Afar
And Except For Those Words,
I Don't Know Who You Are

Your Brain Conjures Like
My Soul's Mad Wonderland
Like Invasive White Waves,
You Drift Into My Sand

You Force My Walled Heart
To Face Her Primal Fears
To Throw Out The Old Rules
To Stop Counting In Years

Our Likeness, It Seems
Is Impossible, Yet
You Exists Beyond Dreams
And It Tastes Like Kismet

But Alas You Don't Mimic
My Rich Depth Of View
From This Two Sided Mirror
My Soul Longs To Touch You... / 

(Through This Transparent Wall
Only I Am Askew...)

How I Wish You Could See
What I See...
In Your Mirror,

Too...


~ AnOmali ~


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On Losing The Love Of My Life...(A Love Letter To Sir Hathaway)




*UPDATE
Sir Hathaway
April 15th, 2008 - August 30th, 2013


This is a hard blog to write...

Maybe the hardest ever.

After weeks of vet visits, tests, nursing him long days and sleepless, scary nights, and hoping for the best while fearing and preparing for the worst, I finally know what I've been walking through...and must now face...

Sir Hathaway, my precious baby boy, has metastasized cancer in his lymph nodes, liver and a tumor in his heart. I just got the official diagnosis tonight after waiting for the tests results and X-rays. He is terminal and he will have to be put to sleep. He is only 5...

I'm not ready to to do that yet... I can't. And the vet said it wasn't critical to do so just yet... That there may be a few more precious days of remote life quality for me to share with him... So, he will be on heavy medication for the next week to make him comfortable. If he feels better, we will postpone for a little while so we can enjoy each other with some normalcy for a couple of weeks, so long as he's not suffering (If he's weaker, or in pain, I'll have to say goodbye next week, or sooner, if he lasts that long). That way he will be more like himself and can enjoy the love I will smother him with until it's time to say goodbye in the vet's office where I'll be holding him when he goes to sleep for the final time in my arms.

I'm writing because I cannot speak right now and don't know when I will feel up to...well...anything other than breathing for a while... Please just pray for me, because dealing with my own illness, this move that has been forced upon me against my will in two months (landlord is selling), and everything else I've been going through that I'm not even about to discuss on the web, I'm at the end of my strength and the end of my hope and I just need a lot of prayer, love and light. I feel like I'm drowning in an abyss so dark and dim that I may never see light again. I know that isn't true, but my heart...

My heart...

I don't know how to say goodbye to the entity that has given me the greatest, most unconditional, most amazing love I've ever known outside of God. Over and over again, for the last five+ years, through set backs and abusive relationships, moves and mistakes, heart breaks and disappointments...through it all, that little man has been there. I was his world...and he was shameless in making that known from 5 weeks old when he could still fit in the palm of my hand until this very moment when he heard me sobbing for him and used all if his tiny strength to climb the stairs to be near me. I was always the love of his life, and he has been mine. He loves me better than any person I've ever loved has ever loved me back... He's loved me better than anyone. Even now, he can barely move, and he's trying to comfort me by laying at my feet... He showed me what real love truly is. What it looks like. How it behaves. He has been the greatest teacher for me thus far...

Hathaway saved me. He saved my life in ways I can't even explain more times than I can count. How ironic, then, that I cannot save his...

Our love story is coming to an end. But I am grateful for the precious time we've had. Even now, I am grateful. And, I still have my beloved Amina, his gorgeous little twin, who has always been the life of the party, to keep me company...though I worry for her loss, too... They've never been apart...
...
...
...
...I just hope and pray he will make it through this...these next few days...we can part in the way I imagine and not by surprise... My greatest fear is waking up and finding him... ... ...

...That I can make him feel as loved and as comfortable as possible until the end of our journey together...and that it ends gently, gracefully, painlessly with peace and LOVE...

Mommy loves you, Hathaway (*singing him his personal lullaby*)... Forever and ever and ever...

LOVE...


Mommy


#Broken
#Undone
#MyHeart









Monday, August 19, 2013

"Daddy's Song" (Reposted As A Permanent Memoir...)



Today...

August 19th...

This Day Marks Fourteen (*Now FIFTEEN*) Long Years Since A Criminally Insane Serial Killer Named Juan Covington (One Of The Few Black/Latino Serial Murderers In Philadelphia's/America's History) Shot And Killed My Father... Thirteen Bullets In The Middle Of A Prayer Meeting That He, As The Pastor, Was Leading... I Saw It On The 10 O'clock News Long Before The Phone Ever Rang... And Some Years Later On An Episode Of "20/20".

You Would Think After All These Years The Very Grown Up Me Would Be Somewhat Numb And Unaffected By This Date Or By The Very Young Girl Living Inside Of Me Who Still Wrestles With So Many Lingering Scars... My Parents Divorce And It's Circumstances. My Father's Inexcusable Lack Of Presence In My Life (Which Can Not Be Said For My Younger Sister Who's Illegitimate Birth During My Parent's Marriage Caused Our Permanent Separation)... The Bullets That Had Nearly Ripped Off The Right Side Of His Face When It Came Time To I.D. His Body... The Resulting Anxiety Disorder And Subsequent Panic Attacks... 

And, Yes, Some Years It Came And Went Without Much Fanfare. And Most Days None Of These Things Even Cross My Mind.

This Is Not One Of Those Days.

Maybe Because I Am Older And Becoming More Fully Integrated As An Adult, The Magnitude Of What I've Survived Holds Greater Meaning... And, Maybe While A Part Of Me Never Truly Grieved, Another Silent, Deeply Buried Part Of Me Never Stopped...

I Often Wonder Exactly How Does One Grieve An Emptiness That Extends So Far Beyond Death? There's So Much I Could Say, But I Doubt I'd Find An Appropriate Audience...The Person I Need Most To Speak With Is Long Gone... Besides, I Wouldn't Even Know Where The Conversation With The Person I Am Most Like In The World, But With Whom I Have No Shared Photos And Few Memories, Would Even Begin...

So, I'll Just Turn To My One Constant... My Language; My Secret Code.

Music.

I Think This Old Rough Draft Song Says It All...As I Have No More Words Today...

"DADDY'S SONG" - Music Link...


***2016 UPDATE***

My Sister Has Since Transitioned From Hereditary Breast Cancer, And, If It Isn't Clear From My Post, The Fault For The Disintegration Of My Family, Proper Relationship With My Father, And Life As A Child--Was Her Selfish And Immoral Mother's - Not Hers... Shalom. 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

For Half Of My Life: My Repressed Truth...17 Years In The Making...




"GRAVITY"

(VERSE I)
Something always brings me 
Back to you...
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign

(CHORUS)
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me
And all over me

(VERSE II)
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I live here on my knees as
I try to make you see that
You're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...

You're keeping me down...


You're on to me
On to me,
And all over...

Something always brings me 
Back to you
It never takes too long...


~ Sara Bareilles ~

Saturday, July 06, 2013

LOVE ON PAUSE: A MINI Manual For Pursuing And Winning The Heart And Hand Of One AnOmali...



Dear Reader:

It is my hope that my transparency (translation: nakedness!) in this writing will initiate some dialog that will foster not only my own increase in understanding and growth, but of men and women everywhere with similar goals and desires...

Let me begin...



While this quote has become pop culture cliché, it is still the most succinct beginning I can give this essay of sorts and was the inspiration for the thought process that has brought me to this place, as a woman:

"If you want me, EARN ME!" - Olivia Pope (Scandal)


Defined (My PERSONAL Interpretation/Requirements):

Pursue me correctly. Diligently. Consistently. It's NOT my job to chase you. And, as a whole woman, complete within herself, I NEVER will (Please refer to your Bible for clarity on how this is meant to play out). I am a woman. I am a beautiful, curvy, intelligent, loving, sexy, sensual, well rounded, witty, funny, talented, educated, strong woman of God! I am His Princess...primed and prepared to be nothing less than your Queen should you merit the right to be deemed my King. I owe you nothing more than the green light that let's you know I'm interested and you have my permission to proceed...with caution.


Prove your worth and that you see, know and regard mine. From go. Respect my time and my feelings. Be sensitive without being weak. Don't expect me to be at your beck and call. I, too, have a life. Make plans with me in advance BECAUSE you respect and value my time (exception: romantic spontaneity is permitted *smile*). COURT ME. And, YES...courting is a real thing. Get into it!


KEEP YOUR WORD (I could write that simple sentence 12 more times for emphasis). Follow through. ALL OF THE TIME! not just when it serves you or you have an agenda. Not out of fear of losing me, but because it is one of the greatest signs that a male is indeed a MAN and has integrity. Follow through even with the small things like phone calls and texting (*note*: I prefer calling to texting...texting feels cowardly, like a wall for you to hide behind - whenever you have the option: CALL). And, in ALL things...:

***BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!***


Apologize when you don't honor your word. Quickly. And don't offer up lame or superfluous excuses in place of genuine remorse and humility when you mess up. That only makes me dubious of your sincerity. I.e.: I just think you're lying or have something to hide. A slip like this and you're back at ground zero with me and must begin earning me all over again. If I'll even allow you the privilege... Trust matters from the beginning.

Make extra efforts to learn me, study me, please me...to make me smile from day one. Sincerely. It shows me a glimpse of the potential of a future with you. And that you're thoughtful, unselfish and are genuinely interested in who I am and not just in what I can do for you or how I make you feel. BE MY FRIEND.


Understand that I'm a total package, can exceed all of your needs and expectations, and I can give you everything you want and more (because God has and is preparing me AND I've done and am doing the work). But, because I love and respect myself, I won't give you everything you want up front or more than you've earned as we go. I'll give you more as I deem you worthy. I'll meet you halfway. Not because I don't want to or because I'm a $&#@%, but because no matter what I feel for you, I will always protect myself and place my own virtue, value and needs above yours... You don't become my first ministry until you become my husband. How else will you learn how to value and to treat me...to meet my needs, to match my love potential, if I don't show you by example...?


Be honest. About everything. From women and your past to finances. Expose yourself. Your Soul. Your truth(s). I'm a grown woman. An experienced woman with life under her belt and scars all her own. I don't expect, need or even desire perfection. I can love all of you: fears, failures, flaws, insecurities and imperfections. Your light and your dark... After all, this is what I require of you. That's what a real woman does. This is what real love; a real relationship, looks like.


I was created to be your help meet and to help you reach your grandest potential. To build you up. To minister to your needs. To satiate and replenish you. To satisfy your soul and your desires. To love you without condition. To steadily hold your hand through whatever comes...through any and all weather. To walk with you through hell if need be...

This gives me purpose (in the context of a relationship/courtship/marriage). It is part of the purpose for which I was created and it would please me tremendously to be all of this and more for you. But, I will not be your doormat. I will not give myself to you freely or even at a discount. YOU MUST EARN ME. And I will not do things out of order (I.e. perform your role for you...not even with regards to our initiation or your pursuit...according to The Word, that is not meant to be my role - AHEM:

Proverbs 18:22 (KJV)
22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.) 


BE THE MAN OF GOD AND OF INTEGRITY THAT YOU CLAIM TO BE! If you can't be trusted to give your best to honor the God you serve, who is the giver and sustainer of your life, how can you be trusted to truly love or honor me??? How can I trust you with my heart (or our future) when God can't trust you with His?


Here is the reality. I was made for you. I want to love you. I hate games. It pleases me to serve you (as independent, strong, self sufficient and career driven as I am). I like knowing you can and will take care of me. It makes me feel safe. I want to trust you. Completely. I want to willingly SUBMIT to you BECAUSE I trust you and, more importantly, I trust the God in you to be my covering, protector, provider, lover, my confidant, my best friend, husband and the future father of my children. I want to give you my unequivocal, unconditional ALL, but I need to be able to trust you with that kind of power and the building of that trust commences with the first hello and the foundation on which we begin. A foundation that you, alone, must lay as a man who is seeking to find his 'good thing'. My only role: to be a really good thing...(and I think I've got that covered...;).


I don't want you to jump through hoops for some perverse play of power. I want you to step up your game so we can stop the madness of the game and get about the business of loving each other madly.

So, man of God: do you think you can handle that? Because until you can, I'll be tragically just out of your reach. And, as time is of the essence, and waits for no one, yours/ours may just run out. 


Tick tock...

Signed,


"Love On Pause"