Love Thy Enemies (Karma And Such)...

I Realized Today That I Love My Enemies... No, Really... Like Literally —

I LOVE MY ENEMIES! 😲

I Promise I'm NOT Being Snarky... 

And, Wooo! That Ish Is A Lot To Process And Heavy To Hold...

You Know You've Leveled Up Spiritually And You're Vibrating Higher When You Watch Someone Who Knowingly And Intentionally Abused And Violated You From A Position Of Power Inflicting Real Harm, Suffer Or Die, And, Instead Of Feeling Like Karma Gave Them Their Just Due, You Feel Empathy And Sadness.

I Cried Today For Someone With ZERO Integrity Who Legit Tried To Ruin My Life 7 Years Ago...All While My Maternal Grandmother Was Dying. You Don't Forget Milestones Like That... I Will Not Disclose The Details Although Some Of You Do Know Of Whom/What I Speak And How It Almost Went To Court... I Sincerely And Genuinely Wept For His Demise In Spite Of The Truth Of Who He Was And How He Lived Behind Closed Doors; The Details The Well Fooled Masses Weren't Privy To.

He Was Well Insulated By A Very Old (The Oldest), Black, Religious Organization Which Operates A Lot Like The Catholic Church When It Comes To Scandal, Etc. — Politically, Unethically And In The Shadows With Little Concern For Right And Wrong. And, Honestly, It Is Irksome To Watch People Who Are Utterly Ignorant Of The Ugly Things He's Done To Me And Other Women Celebrate Him Like He Was Some Kind Of Role Model, Hero Or Saint. While I Can't Speak To Their Experience Of Him, I Lived The Reality Of Mine — With Receipts. 

Still I'm Sad For His Misfortune. And, Thus, Conflicted. 

I've Always Had A Big, Soft Heart. But, Mother (Me) Has Also Always Loved Balanced Scales...⚖️. I LOVE JUSTICE. Restitution Is Not Only My Apology Language. It's A Part Of My Foundational Code... Yet, There Is No Reveling In His Suffering. I No Longer Feel Bitterness Towards Him Regarding The Abuse I Suffered At His Hands. I Survived Him, I Healed And I Moved On. I Hadn't Thought Of Him In YEARS. 

I Remember Him, Though. He Was Incredibly Arrogant. Narcissistic. He Took Pleasure In Having The Power To Do Me Harm To Cover His Own Ass In Front Of His Congregants And Organization. I Doubt He Even Fully Understood The Magnitude Of His Actions Though He Absolutely Knew They Were Wrong. He Was Incapable Of Considering Others If It Conflicted With His Image Or Ambition. And, Not Only Did I NOT Ever Receive An Apology Or What I Was Owed From His unGodly, Bitter Church Of Crypt Keepers, But, He Lied About Me And What Had Transpired To Protect Himself. 

Then His Organization, While Acknowledging That They Believed Me And My Evidence And That This Wasn't The First Legitimate Complaint Against Him, Closed Ranks Around Him Instead Of Protecting And Doing Right By An Innocent Me. For Emphasis, They Had The Power To Make It Right And CHOSE To Do Nothing Because They Were Afraid Of The Repercussions To Their Respective Titles... 

To This Day, I Have Absolutely No Respect For This Entire Denomination. And, To Be Clear, I Didn't Have Much Prior To These Events As I Was All Too Familiar With The Foul Way In Which They Operate. I've Had Decades Of Experience Working For Their Churches And My Stepfather Is A Part Of Their Fold... I'm No Novice Or True Outsider. 

I Will Say This Much. It Truly Seems That Life Humbled Him Beyond Recognition In His Last Several Months Here On Earth. Perhaps He'd Learned His Lesson And Finally, Genuinely Gotten To Know The God He Used To Play From Behind His Title And The Pulpit. If God Could (Seemingly) Change Him, Maybe, One Day, His Carnal Denomination Will Get To Know God, Too, And It Won't Take A Collective Deathbed To Bring About This Change. Perhaps, A Little Holy Ghost Might Help. That Obvious Lack Would Explain Why They Seem To Continue To Do Wrong With Absolutely No Conviction (And, Their Desert Dry 🤬 Services)...😒

I Digress... 

For The Record, I Don't Feel Like His Death Is Any Kind Of Justice On Only My Behalf. It ISN'T. I Don't Even Believe In Capitol Punishment And My Father Was Murdered By A Serial Killer (For Context). I See His Suffering As Human, Not As Retribution. God Doesn't Think Like Us. But, I Do Think We Make Life Choices That Can Have Reverberating Consequences, Especially When We Don't Take Steps To Right Our Wrongs. There Is A Balance To This Universe That Must Be Maintained. However, From My Vantage Point, THIS Was Beyond That. He Suffered FAR Beyond The Damage He Inflicted Upon Me. Knowing This, All I Feel Is Sympathy. Compassion. PITY. It's Disheartening. I Hate To See ANYONE Truly Suffer Or Face Their End In Endless Pain... And, It's Baffling How That Flies In The Face Of My Nature; Of Human Nature. 

The Hawkins Wrote A Song Called "What Is This?" That Aptly Describes Spiritual Transformation. It's An Evolution Beyond My Own Power Or Might. Simply Stated: I Didn't Get Here, To Unconditional Compassion, On My Own...

This Self Work; This Time In The Mirror With God, It's Not For The Faint Of Heart. God Is Changing My Base Nature. I'm Learning To Honestly Hold My Peace Even Though My True Nature Is That Of A Fearless (And, Sometimes Reckless) Warrior. And, I No Longer Surmise That The Passage Of Scripture Stating "Whatsoever A Man Soweth That Shall He Also Reap" Is Rhetoric. I've Seen Too Many People Who Have Harmed Me Face A Hell Of Their Own Making. I Couldn't Glory In It Even If I Wanted To (I Don't). Apparently I'm A Punk Who, Sadly, Loves Every Damn Body At My Core. And, I Now Pray Mercy Over My Enemies And Mean It! WTH?

As My Godmother (In My Head), Oprah, Would Say: 'What I Know For Sure' Is... Love Is All That Matters. No One Is All One Thing. There's Bad In The Best Of Us And Good In The Worst Of Us — Even Those Who Have Unjustly Damaged My Life, Heart, Person, Livelihood, Ability To Trust And/Or Good Name And Reputation. I Think My Ability To See This Way — Multidimensionally — Is Why The Intentional Infliction Of Pain Has Always Hurt Me So Deeply And Is So Much Harder To Forgive. I See People Beyond Their Actions. I've Always Been More Invested In The Why Than The What. Motives And Intentions Hold The Greatest Weight For Me. So, I Have Compassion Even When They Are Unworthy And It Is Undeserved. Sometimes I Wish I Didn't...😔

After The Events Of This Day — To Each And Every Person On My List Of Enemies, Frenemies, Foes And/Or Unforgivable Offenses:

I FORGIVE YOU. I Continually Work To Forgive At Deeper Layers And Levels. I Don't Wish Any Harm Upon You. I Still Want VINDICATION And RESTITUTION. Always. Full Stop. But, I Also Love You And I'm Praying For You... For Real. Mercy, Lord... I Don't Want To See ANYONE Else Suffer Like He Did. I Don't Need An Apology (I Still WANT One, But, I Don't NEED One...). Just Do Me A Favor And Remember That Karma Is Real...

I No Longer Want You To Change Anymore. Not For Me. Spirit And Life And Doing The Work Has Changed ME Enough For The Both Of Us.

All Is Well. 

Man, God Is Radical...

#Butterpillar 🦋

Never Can Say Goodbye...

(Goodbyes Beyond Space And Time)

I Found Out Today That Someone I Love Profoundly; Someone I'm Incredibly Close To And Whom I've Known Almost My Entire Life And Who May Arguably Know Me Better Than Anyone Else In The World Is REALLY Sick... Like Stage 4 Sick... Like Really Late Diagnosis Sick. Like, We're Treating To Make You Comfortable Sick And Not To Cure Sick... 

I Had A Dream About Him Last Night. Those Of You Who Are Close To Me Know About My Dreams And That I Can't Afford To Dismiss Them Especially When People Pop Up Or Come To Me In Them Seemingly Out Of Nowhere. So, I Tentatively Reached Out. We Had A Falling Out Last Year And Hadn't Spoken In A Few Months. But, Like Any True, Unconditional Love And Deep Bond Between Two People Who Were Once Deeply In Love — And, When Even Through Life's Changes The Love Has Remained — It Was A Temporary Break.

In Retrospect, As Was Our Usual, It Stemmed Less From Anger And More From Hurt And Defense Mechanism When Matters Of The Past Arose. We See It Very Differently. He Sees Me As The Villain In The Story Of His Heart. I See The Story As Much More Nuanced Than That. I Was So Incredibly Young And There Is A Decent Age Gap Between Us, Him On The Higher End.

Love Was Never Our Issue... We Were So Intense. Damn Near Psychically Linked In Our Levels And Modes Of Intimacy. We Still Communicate In Ways, Both Verbal And Non-verbal That Would Baffle The Outside World... I Just Wasn't Ready. I Wasn't A Fully Integrated Adult. I Wasn't Even 20 Yet... I Didn't Know Myself Nearly As Well As I Knew Him. I Needed More Experience. I Needed More Time... Full Stop. Human Nature Stuff. There's A LOT Of History There As We've Weaved In And Out Of Each Other's Lives Over The Years... Time... TIMING, Was Always Our Problem. On Repeat. But, 25+ Years In (From My Literal Childhood) And We've Always Found Our Way Back To Love, Even All These Years Later, As Dear Friends With A Much Deeper Connection Beneath...

So, I Made The Call Because I Needed To Know Why I'd Dreamt About Him So Vividly Out Of The Blue. And, Why I'd Awakened Clearly Remembering The Details — An Uncommon Occurrence. I Knew There Was A Reason. And, My Gut Told Me There Would Be An Immediate Answer And It Would Come From Him Directly.

And, There Was... I Just Had No Idea My Early AM Was Going To Begin With A Gut Punch Of Epic Proportions. I Didn't Know It Would Feel Like A Bomb Had Just Exploded. We Always Think We Have More Time... But, There's Never Enough Time...

I've Taken The Entire Day To Process The Information Pretty Clinically. That's My Nature In A Crisis As I've Seen More Than My Fair Share Of Trauma And Loss. I'm A "Get Things Done Now And Feel Things Later" Kind Of Girl. And, I Honestly Couldn't Feel Anything All Day. I Was Just In My Head And Staying Busy And Wondering What The Hell Was Wrong With Me That I Was Being So Cavalier. I Didn't Notice That I Didn't Eat Anything All Day Until Just Now. That My Body Was Processing My Feelings Before My Heart Or Head Could Because I Was In Shock. But, Now, At 3AM, It's Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks — All At Once. It Knocked The Wind Out Of Me. And, I Can't Breathe!!! Like, I Literally Can't Breathe... I've Had A Full Blown Panic Attack. And, It's Too Late To Call Anybody. And, It's Not Usually Like Me To Turn Outward Instead Of Inward In Difficulty Regardless. And, What Would I Say Anyway? So, I'm Writing Because, As A Creative, That's What I Do...

I'm Having A Complete Meltdown And I Need To Pull It Together For Him So I Can Be Fully Present And Positive And Supportive Come Tomorrow And Every Tomorrow After. But, Sometimes It's Hard To Be Positive When Your Gift Is Sight... I Don't Even Know How To Pray About This Yet. Or, At All...

Right Now I Just Can't Breathe. Or, Eat. Or, Sleep. And, I Can't Stop Crying. Probably For About The Last Hour+ Now. It Feels Like I'm Preemptively Grieving. And, I Know I Shouldn't Be... But, I Can't Control It. Please Pray. Pray For My Loved One. Pray For His Strength And Courage And Healing And God's Perfect Will. And, Please Pray For My Strength, Focus And Resolve....Not For My Sake, But, For His — That I Might Be The Friend And Support He Needs And That We Might Have Just A Little More Time... Because There's Never Enough Time... Because There Will Never Be Enough Time. 🙏🏼💙🥺

Black with a capital B.

Black with a capital B 

(Black NOT b̶l̶a̶c̶k̶) 

Black with a capital B.

Black with a capital B.

Black with a capital B.

On This The First Day Of #BlackHistoryMonth❤️🖤💚 — I've Decided That Now Is Finally The Time To Address An Issue That Has Been Bothering Me For YEARS... 

The word "BLACK"should ALWAYS be capitalized when race is being discussed. No other group is disrespected in this way — not being referred to as a genuine entity or proper noun/adjective (a specific group of people/the descriptor of a specific group of people). Examples: Asian (Race). Caucasian/European (Race) [white is a description and a social construct, NOT a race, FYI, and should not be capitalized]. Latino (Ethnic Group) [the word 'brown' is also a descriptor and NOT a race and should not be capitalized as it can refer to a multitude of non-specific ethnic groups — i.e.: Indian, Indigenous/Native, Latino (Mexican, Brazilian, Puerto Rican, etc.), Arab/Persian, Mixed, etc., and even Black and Asian people].

As most of us (Blacks) are of mixed heritage in this country/continent/hemisphere (North, Central and South America) whether by choice or by force, the term 'Black' includes any and everyone who is a descendant of the African Diaspora in this country and the world at large. The term 'African-American' is an incredibly limiting description of some Blacks in America as an ethnic group, and NOT as a race. As such, we are not truly 'African-American' (capitalized as it should be). We are NOT even all American. We are Black AND American — a completely different and varied cultural experience extending from Afro-Latino to Creole to West Indian to Aboriginal to Melanesians and the like from islands near Australia and in the South Pacific (who are neither African or American but who are indeed Black) to the children of African Immigrants and, finally, to the diluted and diverse descendants of Black African men and women who were enslaved and everything in between (please note how all of those sub-groups are capitalized). "Black", in ethnicity, race and culture, is both a singular entity and a polylith describing a multitude of people sharing a common ancestry. Simply stated, the term Black is all inclusive.

Furthermore, Africa is a CONTINENT and not a country (with more countries and languages, cultures and diversity than any other continent in the WORLD). It is the continent that seeded all others (which is why there are still Black people on remote islands that are not technically African going back tens of thousands of years). Sadly, we don't have the privilege of knowing to which countries, tribes, etc., we trace our origins beyond random and often inaccurate DNA tests (through no fault of ours). Thus, the term "African-American" is not only an inaccurate oversimplification; it is just plain LAZY.

Please strongly consider revising your spelling of the word "Black" as a proper noun EVERY time you use it in any capacity in the future (proper nouns and adjectives are ALWAYS capitalized). Otherwise, any written point you are attempting to make is immediately nullified for many. The implication is to minimize us in step with American (and, world) history and it's consistent dehumanization of us through systematic racism in every facet of our society. It is not acceptable. It reads as a microagression from whites and blatant ignorance from POC. It is not a small thing. And, yes, it matters! 

I am Black: an ethnic group and sub-genre of the African continent with ancestors hailing from four others — a multi-ethnic, multiracial, American ethnic group with it's own unique culture AND part of the African Diaspora and the Black race.

I am NOT black. I AM Black. 🖤✊🏽