To BE BLESSED, BROKEN, AND GIVEN...: Work In Progress

(A Work In Progress)

The words written below came to me this morning in the form of a song... And, I haven't been writing much lately (which isn't good)... Prayerfully this is the end of my writers block (of every block in my life at present) and the end of a lot of inner and outer turmoil...

Before I acknowledge any negative (as this blog is NOT about negativity), I must first state that I am so grateful for the AMAZING love in my life. I am loved beyond anything I could have imagined or hoped or prayed for... I am stronger and better because of this. I always knew how to love...but no one ever taught me how to be loved...to simply allow myself to be loved...just because...adored...just for being me...that I was entitled to be loved as profoundly as I give love....just because I exist...until now. And all of this has colored my perspective very new.

But, in spite of this, one thing I have definitely learned in the last ten years is that happiness is not external, and without a life filled with integrity and the pursuit of a distinct, God-given purpose, I cannot be content. So, it is to that end, that I am writing this blog now. Something despicably wrong was done to me recently by some 'Christians' (actually church folks - but you know how they like to pretend they rep Christ when so few of them actually even know the man...). It wasn't shocking, as I have survived worse at the hands of those who claim to represent God, but sometimes it makes you wonder if in this life, people really reap what they sew... It isn't that I wish to see those who do me harm suffer. It is more that I wish to know when I will see the rewards of all the good I have spent my life sewing into others...often the very ones who have done me the most harm...

The few people on this Earth who truly know me, the inner me, know I am very introspective. Thus, as I began to look inward, this song came to me.

It is in the roughest of draft forms. But I decided, as I allow myself to become more transparent and open to the will of God for my life, as I am learning to die to myself and love myself better, while I am better learning to be still and hear His voice…and my own; now that humility has stripped me of unnecessary pride, and as I attempt to be fearless even in the face of the inevitable pain that will ensue from being so decidedly vulnerable even to those who mean me no good…I will share my journey.

The examples of character that I admire most, starting with Christ, chose this path. And if I am to become what I am meant to be, then I must choose the same. Too few artists...too few people, are genuine in this life. I have always prided myself on just how real I am...but I was always guarded over my inner self even with my transparent nature... I am now in a place where I have no time to hide myself, to protect myself, from pain, the masses, or opinions of others. I am exquisite, and I need no one's approval to shine.

Yes, I have been hurt and faced injustice that was not anything I deserved for a current or past crime. It is simply the way of the world.... People are cruel, and most often those of us with integrity are the ones who suffer the most. But I refuse to let it devastate my heart, my passion, or my faith in the way it once would have... It is meant to jar me from my comfort zone, force me to stop fearing my own magnificence and destiny, and propel me into destiny a little faster as time waits for no one…

I am becoming more myself each and every day. And I love me...

---

PRIDE

There is beauty in the break down
Of a prideful heart
That's been torn apart

And yes. it's true that when you fall
They'll all be watching you
So self, what will you do?

You look around and nothing is familiar anymore
You're following your dreams
But you keep slamming into doors

There's nothing left to believe in
It was all a lie
It was all a lie

And your dreams are so elusive
Your breaking inside
Running out of time

You stare at your reflection
But don't recognize her face
The fear is choking you
And you no longer know your place...

But just stop
Take a minute to remember who you are
Though many tried to break your spirit
You're still here
You've come this far
And remember a blessing deferred
Isn't always denied
What you've gained means more
In time
Baby, all you've lost
Is pride

Bitterness is the sweet fruit
Of a good heart abused
God, you've been so used

The agony of hope consumes your soul
Searching for truth
All you found was you

You're holding on to faith
While you discard all that you know
Praying these words are true:
That we all reap what we sew

The pain you live in every day
You hide so well
No one can tell

Every beating, every fall
You have survived them all
Always standing tall

But the scars that you've sustained
They aren't for everyone to see
You know character's expensive
Nothing comes easily

So you stop
Take a minute to remember who you are
Though many tried to break your spirit
You're still here
You've come this far
And remember a blessing deferred
Isn't always denied
What you've gained means more
In time
Baby all you've lost
Is pride

And what is pride?
But a thin veil covering all you really are
And if the world denies you
Don't hide your bright light
You're still a star
And no matter how your truth unfolds
You're true beauty lives inside
What you've gained means more in time
Baby all you've lost
After all the lies have died
Baby all you've lost...
'Cause your dreams won't be denied
In the end, you'll shine so bright
Baby, all you've lost is pride

~ copyrighted ~