For Half Of My Life: My Repressed Truth...17 Years In The Making...

"GRAVITY"

(VERSE I)
Something always brings me 

Back to you...
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign

(CHORUS)
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me
And all over me

(VERSE II)
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I live here on my knees as
I try to make you see that
You're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...

You're keeping me down...

You're on to me
On to me,
And all over...

Something always brings me 

Back to you
It never takes too long...

— Sara Bareilles 

For TAC...

LOVE ON PAUSE: A MINI Manual For Pursuing And Winning The Heart And Hand Of One AnOmali™...

Dear Reader:

It is my hope that my transparency (translation: nakedness!) in this writing will initiate some dialog that will foster not only my own increase in understanding and growth, but of men and women everywhere with similar goals and desires...

Let me begin...

---

While this quote has become pop culture cliché, it is still the most succinct beginning I can give this essay of sorts and was the inspiration for the thought process that has brought me to this place, as a woman:

"If you want me, EARN ME!" — Olivia Pope (Scandal)

Defined (My PERSONAL Interpretation/Requirements):

Pursue me correctly. Diligently. Consistently. It's NOT my job to chase you. And, as a whole woman, complete within herself, I NEVER will (Please refer to your Bible for clarity on how this is meant to play out). I am a woman. I am a beautiful, curvy, intelligent, loving, sexy, sensual, well rounded, witty, funny, talented, educated, strong woman of God! I am His Princess...primed and prepared to be nothing less than your Queen should you merit the right to be deemed my King. I owe you nothing more than the green light that let's you know I'm interested and you have my permission to proceed...with caution.

Prove your worth and that you see, know and regard mine. From go. Respect my time and my feelings. Be sensitive without being weak. Don't expect me to be at your beckon call. I, too, have a life. Make plans with me in advance BECAUSE you respect and value my time (exception: romantic spontaneity is permitted *smile*). COURT ME. And, YES...courting is a real thing. Get into it!

KEEP YOUR WORD (I could write that simple sentence 12 more times for emphasis). Follow through. ALL OF THE TIME! not just when it serves you or you have an agenda. Not out of fear of losing me, but because it is one of the greatest signs that a male is indeed a MAN and has integrity. Follow through even with the small things like phone calls and texting (*note*: I prefer calling to texting...texting feels cowardly, like a wall for you to hide behind — whenever you have the option: CALL). And, in ALL things...:

***BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!***

Apologize when you don't honor your word. Quickly. And don't offer up lame or superfluous excuses in place of genuine remorse and humility when you mess up. That only makes me dubious of your sincerity. I.e.: I just think you're lying or have something to hide. A slip like this and you're back at ground zero with me and must begin earning me all over again. If I'll even allow you the privilege... Trust matters from the beginning.

Make extra efforts to learn me, study me, please me...to make me smile from day one. Sincerely. It shows me a glimpse of the potential of a future with you. And that you're thoughtful, unselfish and are genuinely interested in who I am and not just in what I can do for you or how I make you feel. BE MY FRIEND.

PUT ME FIRST. PERIOD! Above everyone and everything else but God. Not even children should come before your spouse outside of obvious situations (like emergencies), whether they are shared or predate the relationship. There's Bible for that. And, be prepared to leave your mother (regarding prioritization) and cleave to your wife (cut the cord!)... There's Bible for that, too...✂️➰ 1️⃣

#NonNegotiable

Understand that I'm a total package, can exceed all of your needs and expectations, and I can give you everything you want and more (because God has and is preparing me AND I've done and am doing the work). But, because I love and respect myself, I won't give you everything you want up front or more than you've earned as we go. I'll give you more as I deem you worthy. I'll meet you halfway. Not because I don't want to or because I'm a $&#@%, but because no matter what I feel for you, I will always protect myself and place my own virtue, value and needs above yours... You don't become my first ministry until you become my husband. How else will you learn how to value and to treat me...to meet my needs, to match my love potential, if I don't show you by example...?

Be honest. About everything. From women and your past to finances. Omission of truth is deceit by default. 

Expose yourself. Your Soul. Your truth(s). Be vulnerable with me and trust that I will protect and cover the most fragile parts of you... I'm a grown woman. An experienced woman with life under her belt and scars all her own. I don't expect, need or even desire perfection. I can love all of you: fears, failures, flaws, insecurities and imperfections. Your light and your dark... After all, this is what I require of you. That's what a real woman does. This is what real love; a real relationship, looks like.

I was created to be your help meet and to help you reach your grandest potential. To build you up. To minister to your needs. To satiate and replenish you. To satisfy your soul and your desires. To love you without condition. To steadily hold your hand through whatever comes...through any and all weather. To walk with you through hell if need be...

This gives me purpose (in the context of a relationship/courtship/marriage). It is part of the purpose for which I was created and it would please me tremendously to be all of this and more for you. My divine feminine energy craves, respects and will reverence the God in your divine masculine energy... But, I will NOT be your doormat. I will not give myself to you freely or even at a discount. YOU MUST EARN ME. And I will not do things out of order (I.e. perform your role for you...not even with regards to our initiation or your pursuit...according to The Word, that is not meant to be my role). AHEM:

Proverbs 18:22 (KJV)

22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

BE THE MAN OF GOD AND OF INTEGRITY THAT YOU CLAIM TO BE! If you can't be trusted to give your best to honor the God you serve, who is the giver and sustainer of your life, how can you be trusted to truly love or honor me??? How can I trust you with my heart (or our future) when God can't trust you with His?

Here is the reality. I was made for you. I want to love you. I hate games. It pleases me to serve you (as independent, strong, self sufficient and career driven as I am). I like knowing you can and will take care of me. It makes me feel safe. I want to trust you. Completely. I want to willingly SUBMIT to you BECAUSE I trust you and, more importantly, I trust the God in you to be my covering, protector, provider, lover, my confidant, my best friend, husband and the future father of my children. I want to give you my unequivocal, unconditional ALL, but I need to be able to trust you with that kind of power and the building of that trust commences with the first hello and the foundation on which we begin. A foundation that you, alone, must lay as a man who is seeking to find his 'good thing'. My only role: to be a really good thing...(and I think I've got that covered...;).

I don't want you to jump through hoops for some perverse play of power. I want you to step up your game so we can stop the madness of the game and get about the business of loving each other madly.

So, man of God: do you think you can handle that? Because until you can, I'll be tragically just out of your reach. And, as time is of the essence, and waits for no one, yours/ours may just run out. 

Tick tock...

Signed,

"Love On Pause"