Angst: Inner Chaos, Self Degradation, And Slight Emotional Retardation...

I'm going through something inside of myself...a metamorphosis of some sort, that is making me feel things I both dread and crave...its overwhelming. It's making me anxious and extra and I don't fucking like it (or me at the moment)! The artist in me is fighting the wife and mother in me; the feminine in me is fighting the masculine in me; my restless youth is at war with my aging wisdom and respect for lost time, my destiny is wrestling my dreams; my attractions and desires are shifting in unpredictable ways...I think I am truly losing my damn mind...or maybe my soul...or maybe myself, hell, I don't know! I either have or am on the brink of everything I ever wanted and all I seem to be able to do within my mind is sabotage what I see in front of me and imagine the worst at every turn - which makes me slightly psychotic behind the closed doors (of my mind). Sometimes being able to to see and feel so much feels like the worst curse on the planet. Oh, to be shallow, emotionally crippled, unable to feel what I can't see, and dammit, BLIND, because I NEVER asked for the gift of sight!

I'm rambling, I guess...I'm just frustrated with the state of affairs...the state of me...is my soul never to be satisfied? Why do I desire that which I KNOW is not for me...and why do I question clear and logical answers just because I FEEL something that I can't explain? Feelings change. Foundation doesn't. I need to take a class like "understanding the universe and how your feelings will be betray you for dummies". Then there is the 'BUT'. But, what if it isn't a feeling, but a knowing ('cause that's how it feels)...but what if you are just on a road that bends (AGAIN!!!)...but what if this is only a test or worse yet a mere distraction proving that you are nothing more than an unfocused nitwit...but what if you should trust yourself for once since you're always right when it comes to everyone else's ish...but I'm happy the way things are...but I like the stability I have finally found in every aspect of my life... But...but...but...FUCK!

Fuck me!

Retreating into myself to figure me out. Stay tuned...I (or someone who looks very much like me) will be back...and hopefully with some answers and the return of common sense.

~A