*UPDATE*

Sir Hathaway

April 15th, 2008 - August 30th, 2013

This is a hard blog to write...

Maybe the hardest ever.

After weeks of vet visits, tests, nursing him long days and sleepless, scary nights, and hoping for the best while fearing and preparing for the worst, I finally know what I've been walking through...and must now face...

Sir Hathaway, my precious baby boy, has metastasized cancer in his lymph nodes, liver and a tumor in his heart. I just got the official diagnosis tonight after waiting for the tests results and X-rays. He is terminal and he will have to be put to sleep. He is only 5...

I'm not ready to to do that yet... I can't. And the vet said it wasn't critical to do so just yet... That there may be a few more precious days of remote life quality for me to share with him... So, he will be on heavy medication for the next week to make him comfortable. If he feels better, we will postpone for a little while so we can enjoy each other with some normalcy for a couple of weeks, so long as he's not suffering (If he's weaker, or in pain, I'll have to say goodbye next week, or sooner, if he lasts that long). That way he will be more like himself and can enjoy the love I will smother him with until it's time to say goodbye in the vet's office where I'll be holding him when he goes to sleep for the final time in my arms.

I'm writing because I cannot speak right now and don't know when I will feel up to...well...anything other than breathing for a while... Please just pray for me, because dealing with my own illness, this move that has been forced upon me against my will in two months (landlord is selling), and everything else I've been going through that I'm not even about to discuss on the web, I'm at the end of my strength and the end of my hope and I just need a lot of prayer, love and light. I feel like I'm drowning in an abyss so dark and dim that I may never see light again. I know that isn't true, but my heart...

My heart...

I don't know how to say goodbye to the entity that has given me the greatest, most unconditional, most amazing love I've ever known outside of God. Over and over again, for the last five+ years, through set backs and abusive relationships, moves and mistakes, heart breaks and disappointments...through it all, that little man has been there. I was his world...and he was shameless in making that known from 5 weeks old when he could still fit in the palm of my hand until this very moment when he heard me sobbing for him and used all if his tiny strength to climb the stairs to be near me. I was always the love of his life, and he has been mine. He loves me better than any person I've ever loved has ever loved me back... He's loved me better than anyone. Even now, he can barely move, and he's trying to comfort me by laying at my feet... He showed me what real love truly is. What it looks like. How it behaves. He has been the greatest teacher for me thus far...

Hathaway saved me. He saved my life in ways I can't even explain more times than I can count. How ironic, then, that I cannot save his...

Our love story is coming to an end. But I am grateful for the precious time we've had. Even now, I am grateful. And, I still have my beloved Amina, his gorgeous little twin, who has always been the life of the party, to keep me company...though I worry for her loss, too... They've never been apart...
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...I just hope and pray he will make it through this...these next few days...we can part in the way I imagine and not by surprise... My greatest fear is waking up and finding him... ... ...

...That I can make him feel as loved and as comfortable as possible until the end of our journey together...and that it ends gently, gracefully, painlessly with peace and LOVE...

Mommy loves you, Hathaway (*singing him his personal lullaby*)... Forever and ever and ever...

LOVE...

Mommy

#Broken
#Undone
#MyHeart