Never Can Say Goodbye...

(Goodbyes Beyond Space And Time)

I Found Out Today That Someone I Love Profoundly; Someone I'm Incredibly Close To And Whom I've Known Almost My Entire Life And Who May Arguably Know Me Better Than Anyone Else In The World Is REALLY Sick... Like Stage 4 Sick... Like Really Late Diagnosis Sick. Like, We're Treating To Make You Comfortable Sick And Not To Cure Sick... 

I Had A Dream About Him Last Night. Those Of You Who Are Close To Me Know About My Dreams And That I Can't Afford To Dismiss Them Especially When People Pop Up Or Come To Me In Them Seemingly Out Of Nowhere. So, I Tentatively Reached Out. We Had A Falling Out Last Year And Hadn't Spoken In A Few Months. But, Like Any True, Unconditional Love And Deep Bond Between Two People Who Were Once Deeply In Love — And, When Even Through Life's Changes The Love Has Remained — It Was A Temporary Break.

In Retrospect, As Was Our Usual, It Stemmed Less From Anger And More From Hurt And Defense Mechanism When Matters Of The Past Arose. We See It Very Differently. He Sees Me As The Villain In The Story Of His Heart. I See The Story As Much More Nuanced Than That. I Was So Incredibly Young And There Is A Decent Age Gap Between Us, Him On The Higher End.

Love Was Never Our Issue... We Were So Intense. Damn Near Psychically Linked In Our Levels And Modes Of Intimacy. We Still Communicate In Ways, Both Verbal And Non-verbal That Would Baffle The Outside World... I Just Wasn't Ready. I Wasn't A Fully Integrated Adult. I Wasn't Even 20 Yet... I Didn't Know Myself Nearly As Well As I Knew Him. I Needed More Experience. I Needed More Time... Full Stop. Human Nature Stuff. There's A LOT Of History There As We've Weaved In And Out Of Each Other's Lives Over The Years... Time... TIMING, Was Always Our Problem. On Repeat. But, 25+ Years In (From My Literal Childhood) And We've Always Found Our Way Back To Love, Even All These Years Later, As Dear Friends With A Much Deeper Connection Beneath...

So, I Made The Call Because I Needed To Know Why I'd Dreamt About Him So Vividly Out Of The Blue. And, Why I'd Awakened Clearly Remembering The Details — An Uncommon Occurrence. I Knew There Was A Reason. And, My Gut Told Me There Would Be An Immediate Answer And It Would Come From Him Directly.

And, There Was... I Just Had No Idea My Early AM Was Going To Begin With A Gut Punch Of Epic Proportions. I Didn't Know It Would Feel Like A Bomb Had Just Exploded. We Always Think We Have More Time... But, There's Never Enough Time...

I've Taken The Entire Day To Process The Information Pretty Clinically. That's My Nature In A Crisis As I've Seen More Than My Fair Share Of Trauma And Loss. I'm A "Get Things Done Now And Feel Things Later" Kind Of Girl. And, I Honestly Couldn't Feel Anything All Day. I Was Just In My Head And Staying Busy And Wondering What The Hell Was Wrong With Me That I Was Being So Cavalier. I Didn't Notice That I Didn't Eat Anything All Day Until Just Now. That My Body Was Processing My Feelings Before My Heart Or Head Could Because I Was In Shock. But, Now, At 3AM, It's Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks — All At Once. It Knocked The Wind Out Of Me. And, I Can't Breathe!!! Like, I Literally Can't Breathe... I've Had A Full Blown Panic Attack. And, It's Too Late To Call Anybody. And, It's Not Usually Like Me To Turn Outward Instead Of Inward In Difficulty Regardless. And, What Would I Say Anyway? So, I'm Writing Because, As A Creative, That's What I Do...

I'm Having A Complete Meltdown And I Need To Pull It Together For Him So I Can Be Fully Present And Positive And Supportive Come Tomorrow And Every Tomorrow After. But, Sometimes It's Hard To Be Positive When Your Gift Is Sight... I Don't Even Know How To Pray About This Yet. Or, At All...

Right Now I Just Can't Breathe. Or, Eat. Or, Sleep. And, I Can't Stop Crying. Probably For About The Last Hour+ Now. It Feels Like I'm Preemptively Grieving. And, I Know I Shouldn't Be... But, I Can't Control It. Please Pray. Pray For My Loved One. Pray For His Strength And Courage And Healing And God's Perfect Will. And, Please Pray For My Strength, Focus And Resolve....Not For My Sake, But, For His — That I Might Be The Friend And Support He Needs And That We Might Have Just A Little More Time... Because There's Never Enough Time... Because There Will Never Be Enough Time. 🙏🏼💙🥺