OUT OF MY HEAD

You are the total opposite of him
The utter epitome of the opposing idea
For what I imagined being right
Of who I imagined being right for me
But the truth is no one ever felt more right to me
And I hate you for that;
‘Cause I love you for that
You are everything I’ve grown to dread
And I just want you out of my head

You don’t look a thing like him
You don’t act a thing like him
You are nothing like me
We don’t believe in the same things
We believe only in opposing things – in the same way
With the same passion, the same lust, the same vigor, the same extreme
And you still make me smile against my will
But you’d rather make me cry, as you remind me of the special ‘we’
That in your mind never deserved to exist because I don’t deserve to exist
Because anomalies can’t be real
You’re such a sadist the way you slyly convey to me
That you’ve never known another me
But no matter how special or unique
You could never want a ‘me’ anyway
Sometimes you make me feel like I’d rather be dead
And I just want you out of my head

You love me so well, you’re loathing is exquisite
You see me so clearly; you don’t see me at all
I’ve heard your cries, felt your longings,
Known your passion, tasted of your sensuality
I know you as you know me, with no explanations, no logic
If there was ever any knowing at all
You have no heart; You have my heart
And you have no right anywhere near my mind…
You should have never said those things nasty things you said
And I just want you out of my fucking head

You think I am strange and cold
That I am incapable of changing
You think that I am too strong, too feisty, too dominant
You think nothing fazes me, that no one phases me
You think I’m not real
I’m an anomaly, therefore I shouldn’t; no, can’t exist
But I do – and I’ve changed so much because of you
So much for your theory on the anatomy of me
Now who’s the anomaly, Mr. one least likely
When you seem like a dream
That haunts my Mr. Right List
Is not what he seems
And stays on my “want to fight” list
But if I’m the anomaly – then why are you here?
I just want some peace,
And I want to want what I used to want
And to be who I used to be
Before the fantasy of you invaded the space of my reality
I want my straight laced, tall, chocolate, suburban,
Intellectual, anti-hip-hop, six-figure making,
Non-threatening andantes who worships the ground I walk on,
Likes my flaws, doesn’t love me so much
That he wants to make me better than I am,
Doesn’t love me so well that he makes me need to be better than I am
Because I’m just fine being me in his eyes
I want the man who loves what I love, who likes what I like
Who doesn’t make me question everything I’ve ever known
And everything about myself
I want the one who doesn’t make me feel like
I have to jump through hoops and prove my worth
Because his very presence makes me feel unworthy
I want to want the man, who is a reflection of me
Because he looks like me, because he acts like me, because he feels like me
I want to not look in the mirror and NOT see altered reflections of you

You can ignore 90% percent of all I just said
‘cause mostly, mostly, I just want you
Out of my head


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

WATER

WATER
(First Written Somewhere Between 1998-2000 / First Posted In September 2005)

Love, Like Water, Comes In Many Forms...: Liquid, Vapor, And Ice...It would be so wonderful if we could keep that in mind at all times and see love in all of it's various forms when it comes... It's much like the Trinity...and true love is manifested from the Trinity (GOD)...so I suppose that would make sense (in my mind anyway)... My first love (Who I spent seven long years with, and literally grew up with), has become my best friend in my adult life... He is the one who knows me truest and best, even though my life has changed in such drastic ways ;). His unconditional love throughout the process of my 'becoming' the woman I am today, and throughout my last two, most serious, and most temultuous relationships has really blessed me...especially since the one who has my heart at present continues to take me for granted, and puts me through unnecessary pain without any reason provoked by anything beyond their own issues...(other than maybe I love them too much, too well, and still foolishly have a hard time putting ME first when it comes to those close to my heart...I'm growing)...  I digress...

So:  In the spirit of true love, in all of it's forms, I thought it fitting to honor someone who's unconditional love and understanding of me never waivers, even though everything about the two of us has changed...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"WATER"
(For My First Love:  TAC)

In a place where no one lives
In a place where no one goes
Our love runs deep and wide
And like a river there it flows

My heart goes there sometimes
When I'm living out my fears
It is there I cry for you
And the river takes my tears

It is in this place alone
Where love touches destiny
Where it swallows all our failure
And it greets eternity

In true love there is no time
And no designated space
And our spirits pure and bold
Meld as one in stunning grace

Though fate has been unkind
Love caged deep within our souls
'Cause we were meant for different worlds
And must play predestined roles

In stolen moments I escape
To where I know you wait for me
And I bask within your sunshine
And our matchless memories

See although we cannot be
And though we only have what was
Love exists beyond our realm
It's bigger than both of us

And where our tears have landed blooms
A flawless, perfect rose
And our love outlives forever
And like a river; there it flows


– Copyright © 2000 AnOmali 101 –

LOVE IS...

You make me feel like
I should just stop breathing
You make my blood run hot
Frustrated, seething

You make me feel
That I’ve no right to feeling
You force me to fight you
My fear hits the ceiling

How could you see me?
Then turn me away
Belittle my all
And then beg me to stay

How could you love me?
Then live in pretense
Pretend not to crave me
You must think me dense

You asked me for access
The keys to my soul
Gave you more than I should have
And now I’m not whole

You must not have noticed
How fragile I was
You hid behind your words
And became my judge

Bet you never thought
That I took it all in
That I saw you naked
My angel in sin

And all that you tried
To hide soon became moot
I see more than you know
I am living in truth

Now years have gone by
You think nothing has changed
Self righteous and certain
It will all fade away

But if I’d met my match
Then you’d met yours too
If you saw my flaws
Well, Love, what about you?

You took way too much
My heart couldn’t resist
I asked for so little
Yet you chose not to give

Guess I was silly
‘Cause I gave you the right
Wore an unworthy sign
And I put up no fight

Likely in your mind
It was all justified
But wait, I thought true love was
Patient and kind…

Or so you said
Before we said…
Goodbye


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -