BREATHE

Am I breathing?
Please tell me if I am still breathing
Because my very breath seems to depend upon the words you say

I look around me and
Your face clouds my view
Your smile. Your eyes. Your skin.
Your touch. Your smell. Your taste,
Is all I am thinking,
Is all I am feeling,
Is all I am seeing,
Is all I can recall.
I can’t eat or sleep or breathe
I stopped breathing the day “I Love You” was replaced by "you too" or "1-4-3" or
SILENCE.

Maybe she and I are not so different after all…

My mind says eat
But my body would rather starve
While my heart hangs in the balance

My mind says sleep
But my mind betrays even itself with thoughts of
Every new way you could possibly find to hurt my heart
Beyond this point
Preparing itself for annihilation of the worst kind...
And a defeat unknown to my worst imaginings.

My spirit says pray
But my heart can’t find words
I can’t find strength
I can’t find thoughts
I can’t find breath
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I CAN’T BREATHE

My mind says
Silly girl
You knew this would happen
You and your dreams
You and your ‘one’
You and your inability to accept the cards you have been dealt
You and your refusal to accept that love is just a chemical
A reaction to pleasure and security
That is always false, always fleeting…
Silly woman: whose learned nothing from the girl
Having gathered nothing from your past
Didn’t you know she could never really love you?
Didn’t you see the hand you were dealt
Before it was laid on the table?
Didn’t you know to run, run – fast, far away
From the inception?
Didn’t you know to run before she could hurt you more than all those before?
Didn’t you know that a happy fantasy was far better than this painful reality?
Didn’t you know that anything that looks too good to be true,
Probably is…?

As I question everything I’ve come to know
Suddenly realizing I knew nothing
Suddenly knowing that you loved a fantasy
A voice on a phone
An idea
A concept
Who was never really me at all…
No matter how much I bore my soul to you…
It wasn’t real, because you did not see me –
You only saw your idea of me.
Or who you wanted to see
Or who you needed me to be.

Knowing now that I was an escape route
A way out…a way into…the place that you wanted to be
Only that was never really with me…or even yourself

Silly me
Because I fell for the real thing…your face plastered to my eyes
Forever gazing at me that way you do…
Aiding my beautiful lie…
Making me believe with all my heart,
That you were meant to be mine.
‘Cause I am ‘your ONE’…right? Right.

And now I am living, hoping, dying…
Just to breath. Because my very breath
Depends upon the words you say.

So please tell me.

Am I breathing?


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