HIDING

I am hiding my heart
From the one who saw through me
At the inception of us
In spirit and truth
Because my weakness betrays me
My fear overwhelms me
And I don’t want to hurt, be hurt
Or act outside of myself anymore

I am hiding my soul although we are connected
Although you can feel me as I feel you – always
Because the ‘not knowing’ what the future holds
Is killing me slowly – and not so softly
When I know what the future could be or could have been…
And may never be, because of the failures inside of us both

With so much unknown – and unsaid
How can I be your friend – Only your friend? And rest in that?
Yet with so much incomprehensible and undeniable love for you
How can I run from your friendship and be without you?
I cannot breathe without you – you are my ‘one’
And my heart trusts neither solution fully.

I know that the odds are all against me
And fighter that I am, I know that my need to fight
Will only push you further away
And so defenseless, frightened, I simply wait.
Pray and wait. Hope and wait. Trust and wait.

How can I put down my pride, and still protect myself?
How can I love you freely, and not feel bound?
How can I see the obstacles, looming just ahead
And still be confident in all that I know is righteous, right,
Meant?

I know you’ll never admit that in your heart
You are protecting me as much as yourself
That you are afraid
That you, too, are hiding
That it’s all too real, too potent
Too deep, too much, too fast.
We are too connected – spiritually – supernaturally
To ever make any rational sense
And who ever said that divine love was rational?
Or that it moved in our time, on our schedule, at our convenience?
Such a thought could only come from someone
Who has never known love…

I respect you, your choices
And I wouldn’t love you so dearly if you did not know how
To take the lead…even when it hurts…even when it’s hard
Trying to protect my heart along with yours
Wanting to see me whole, while you let God perfect you
Loving me enough to push me away, to do things righteously
Even if it feels a little like dying

I see, hear, and comprehend –
Even when my emotions betray my understanding
That is only me, like Jacob, wrestling my angel
Not letting go until he blesses my soul
Not realizing he is simply a caged bird
One caged long before I arrived, who must be freed
Before he can be fully embraced as his truest self
One who will fly back into these arms in divine time
With a blessing greater than I could have imagined
Not to possess or be possessed,
But to love in sanctified, liberated totality…
If I wait

And life goes on…with a hope and a prayer…
And faith in something larger than you or I or us
Divine Purpose and Destiny await me
And it is there that I must soar until…

There are still moments when I wish you would just
Hear my heart and ignore the words used to over explain
That which there are no words for…
Tune into me, feel my pain, know my mind
I do hear yours…I feel you...I know you – even when you hide.

I am hiding but I am working my way out of this shell
I am hiding, but I am fighting my way into a deeper place of truth
So that I will never have to hide again
From myself or you or anyone

I will honor love, and not fear
I will honor God and trust in His strength and not in my own
Or in yours
For what is meant
Whatever that may be
Even if am sure that somewhere inside of myself I already know
As we both once did

I will come out of hiding to a place of completion,
With my hand open to give and receive all of the fruit of our labor.
I will bare my all without fear of rejection
Allowing you to love all of my imperfections as
God’s perfection of me ensues
Secure in the knowing that what will be, WILL BE
And through God, and love, and time, and FRIENDSHIP
Anything is possible.
And whatever we share – even beyond, outside, of our ideal
Will be beautiful.
Will be meant.
Will be.

But while I am hiding
And when I am hiding
Please know
That there are no boundaries, no rules
No walls, No restraints
No boxes holding me inside
I retreat only to see more clearly
To firmly grasp the present reality
But I cannot escape you
As I cannot escape truth
In spite of how things may appear
Love, Faith is bigger than the tangible
Our love is bigger that what is known, even to us
It lives outside of the box, beyond the confines of definition
Beyond the borders of a temporary setback
Outside of the realm of limited understanding
It is strong enough to endure both forward and backward movement
It will survive

And I am not leaving
I am only hiding
While I am still loving,
And I will be loving,
Always loving,

You.


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