A SIMPLE TRUTH...

I MISS: Your voice – the way it softened the moment, every moment we connected…the way it melted whenever you heard me say your name… the way it broke with yearning when we were not near…the urgency…how we couldn’t go more than a few hours without saying “I want you”–“I need you”–“I miss you”–“I love you”–or all at once…over and over…making me feel you – inside of me – even against my will…making you feel me inside you – we were one…

Your arms – the way you would squeeze me, you held me so tightly, squeezing just a little tighter making sure I knew you weren’t quite ready to let go…that you would never be ready to let go…

Your kiss – the softest lips in the world – your taste – your gentle need, your hungry passion – the way when you began to kiss me, I became your addiction – you would stop, pull away – come back – stop, pull away – come back – over and over…needing me more with every taste…with every touch – and every kiss was a little like making love…and making love in every way was the prelude to our first kiss…

The way you would take a deep breath when my words penetrated you…unwittingly melting me, trying to hide it, but letting me know beyond your words or actions how ready you were for me – how ripe…how anxious – to have me in every way and all that entailed…

How you stared through me – taking me in – as if you could not get enough of me – as if there was not another woman in the world – and if there were you would never notice – because you were so full, so completed – by me – exclusively. The way our eyes locked – even in moments of anger – seeing into souls that were too connected not to see beneath the surface – beyond the moment – into the face of the purest love that ever was…

Your beautiful thoughts – often spoken out loud for the first time – and only to me. Your humility in sharing your brilliance – as if you had some doubt in the regard with which I held you, that I would judge your abstract, random, childlike, gorgeous way of being…I only ever labeled you: exquisite.

The way you pulled me close just at the moment you would explode…sharing with me every shudder, every moan, all of your soul…all of your strength…all of you…trembling in my arms…calling out for me, pulling me closer…holding me so tightly to you – as if to shield our union from the world – protecting our oneness with all your might…as if you knew that the whole world would always be against us – as if you knew the worth of what we shared outweighed the whole world if we just held on tight enough, as one… If only you would fight for us now – the way you fought for us then…

Your laughter: laughing at my silly antics and dumb ideas – laughing in the sheer pleasure of the moments we shared – appreciating, genuinely liking one another – genuinely enjoying one another – not just in love – but in such profound ‘like’ – laughing with you until I convulsed and my eyes filled with tears…at the simplest, most ridiculous things…

Being the one thing that made you smile the moment you woke up in the morning…even when times were hard and your day had been long…knowing that I was the source of so many of your smiles in spite of all else…you glowed for me…so often thoughts, memories of you are still the source of my soft, fleeting smiles…

Or just being the first thought of your day, as I groggily awoke from dreaming of you, after having fallen asleep to the sound of your voice – and the phone began to ring with no need for caller ID because I could feel you even in my sleep…

Your softness – how you let me hold the side of you the rest of the world doesn’t know exists…the little child that still needs to be held, and stroked, and touched, and protected – and loved beyond measure – at the core of you. And I did – God, how I did…

The way I felt the presence of God in our love…untainted, pure…in a way that made me know He was pleased – that our love came from the truest place…and was just as from everlasting to everlasting as it’s Creator – having been forged before the dawn of time only to manifest in this wicked world – in the face of all that opposed it – strong, undying...

Never being bored or annoyed or tired of you or me or us…never knowing where our road would lead us. Not fearing anything about the future except for a life apart…being certain, sure, that we had forever in front of us – and being so ravenously in love that a lifetime would never be enough…

I–Ache–For–You. In every way imaginable…beyond the things I miss, I yearn for every inch of you, every part of you, body and soul, mind and spirit, aching from my head to my toes – not excluding any part in between…aching until it hurts…it physically hurts. It hurts so excruciatingly until I don’t want to feel…

I ache because I can still feel you…because I feel you with me always. A connection forged before time began cannot be destroyed in a matter of weeks, months, years, and all of the pretending, substituting, fighting myself, or bad acting in the world – doesn’t make it go away.

I ache because I can no longer say every time I want to – every time I feel it…every time I need to make you know – to express that which consumes me…constantly and always:

I want you…I need you…I miss you…I love you.

I ache because my pride isn’t strong enough to resist the urgency to whisper once more, with all my heart, even if you never hear me, to express that which I am not supposed to even remember or feel or know…anymore...and be it ever so inappropriate in your now regulated world where the expression of true love is not allowed…

I WANT YOU...I NEED YOU…I MISS YOU…I LOVE YOU…

My love will ALWAYS overrule my pride and fight for you.
My heart will ALWAYS disobey my head and wait for you.
It will never care where you have been. It will never care how long you were gone…
It only cares that you are not near, that it feels empty, and hollow, and void of any purpose – without you.

And no matter how angry, or hurt, or broken it may be…no matter what is, or is to come,
It will always
Always
ALWAYS
Welcome you

Home.


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