So Sorry

So sorry for being everything that you ever wanted or needed in a woman before you were ready to handle the real thing. I should have known that when you are used to having what’s common – you can’t truly handle an ‘Anomali’.

So sorry that I am everything that everyone in your past or present was not, is not, and I do it without effort or pretense. I know how frustrating it must be when you find someone who does all of the things you like, and is ALL of the things you want – without ever even being told or asked.

Sorry for the inconvenience of being a total package that requires you to step up to the plate instead of your usual way of taking the easy way out. I know you should not have to work for love – no matter how perfect or meant to be. If it requires work – you should always choose the person who is wrong for you – because it’s easier – and easy is always the goal.

So sorry that I brought enlightenment, truth, wisdom, Godliness, wholeness, unconditional love, peace, and true passion into your life – I now realize that was somehow wrong of me…

My apologies for propelling you towards God, divine destiny and some true sense of purpose – I did not mean to be a bad influence.

My bad for helping you to see the reality and truth within yourself, and of your present circumstances without guiding or pressuring you towards any one way of seeing things. I realize ignorance is bliss and I should not have denied you that right. Truth should never be uncovered through love and with grace. It should stay hidden until one’s death bed – when it is too late to change anything… Who says regret is a bad thing?

Sorry that I have never lied to you or cheated on you with an ex right under your nose, or while I was living in your house…I know how hard it is for you to believe that someone actually is on level when you are so used to settling for sub-standard – and I should have kept the pattern going. After all – we are such creatures of habit, are we not?

My regrets that I am financially and emotionally independent and that I love you for YOU and not for what you can do for me. I realize that most women hold onto their meal tickets regardless of what is right. I mean, what’s love got to do with it?

So sorry that my actions have always matched my words, that I am consistent, that my feelings or truths never changed, that I was patient, and always there for you – no matter what – even when it hurt. I never meant to put you first…what ever could I have been thinking?

I repent for being beautiful and brilliant and loving and spiritual and confident and God-fearing and affectionate and unselfish and witty and funny and giving and sacrificial and deep and profound and great in EVERY fucking room. I know how much you fear the genuine article… I should have held back a bit. Sadly, I am not as good at pretending to be something that I am not as the women you usually choose.

Sorry that I am a lady at all times, that I relish honesty, that I don’t need to tear another woman down or disrespect her even in the face of her disrespect towards me to build myself up because I know who and whose I am and do not have to prove my worth. It’s been said that Ray Charles could see what caliber woman I am from the grave… So I really should tone my glow down a bit, huh?

My mistake for being so authentically original in the way that I showed my love for you: writing you poetry and music and making professions of your divinity to me that made you break down and cry; having never been loved so well, so completely. Singing in your ear until the melting of your heart into a puddle bore witness beneath your cloths. Sorry that we never ran out of things to say or ways of being fresh and new without effort. I never intended to make you confess that you knew in your heart that God made me for you long before I had come to the same conclusion – that I was the “other half that made you whole”, that I was your ‘one’. I recognize that predestination is truly a scary proposition to be avoided by any means necessary.

So sorry that I keep a clean and beautiful home, can cook my face off, maintain a prayerful place of peace, - oh and for my cat-like, thoroughly satiating ways in the bedroom… I know, I know…I should have never fed your spirit in every way, melded into you thus making you feel complete, given you my all until we became one, and made your toes curl like that while you called out my name over and over and over again…how insensitive of me.

While on that note, I had also better apologize because I don’t roll over after I get mine and leave you to feel unwanted and alone after we make love – and because my appetite for you never decreases and I do not make excuses as to why I’m not in the mood. I know you prefer the familiar. I never meant to want you all of the time and please you whenever you wanted me (which was all of the time), or to let you hold me all through the night feeling secure and wanted and treasured – bad me…

Sorry that I was willing to change my entire life for you, disappoint my mother, prepare to alter the path of my career, face the rejection of the church and all those I love, all just to love you completely – and never hide you from the world… I should never love that well or that much. After all, where is the selfishness in that? I’ve got to be like everybody else, right? How dare I break the mold that you are so accustomed to? Sorry to disappoint your negative expectations. I know change like that must be hard.

My apologies for seeing you more clearly than anyone ever has; for opening you wide and learning all of your secrets, fears, insecurities, wants, dreams, longings, and sharing mine with you – and for loving you unconditionally in spite of your demons and issues and repeated mistakes and current circumstances. Oh! and I should not have forgiven you for repeatedly and knowingly hurting me… What was I thinking? Forgiveness? Surely you can’t build on that type of friendship and love…that is just way too deep to actually last. So Sorry.

I am sorry that I do not let my past dictate how I love in the future – or keep me from loving when it is right – in the now. I am sorry that I am not afraid of change when I know that it is because of divine truth. I am sorry that I am not fickle or flaky and I don’t change with the wind and I am not influenced by the words and nonsense of others with wrong motives – or held captive by soul ties to those whom I should have released from my heart long ago to make room for the RIGHT one. I should not be such a free spirit – expecting my stallion to run beside me wild and free in the open air instead of cowering with fear inside of the manure filled stalls. And how arrogant of me to think for myself, to know divine truth – and to have faith that walking in truth will always lead me to blessings that would otherwise be just beyond my reach, and keep the love of my destiny by my side.

I apologize for believing in you – I know how much pressure it must have been to have someone have more faith in you than you do in yourself.

So sorry that I am a fighter – that I stand up for what I believe in, that I speak my mind and don’t make you guess, that I don’t play silly games to manipulate you in an effort to get my way at any cost, or that I am imperfect in my battles while fighting for perfect goals. I realize that cowardice is the way to go – why fight for something that looks impossible? And if you are going to fight – why fight fair – when no one else does? Who has integrity in love and war? And who in the hell fights for true love these days anyway? Soul Mates…cute, right? Silly me.

I apologize that I love you still. I have this nagging problem of my love being true and lasting and long suffering – enduring all things, hoping all things, refusing to fail those I love in spite of the lack of appreciation for all that I am and all that I am not. I wish to God I were more like you and could throw love away like street trash in New York because of my irrational fears and unwillingness to let go of my dysfunctional past relationships – unwilling to trust God and face an uncertain future holding the hand of the one who loves me best. Like you, my pride, and my fears, should be bigger than my heart. Sadly: they are not. I am sorrier for this than you can know.

Most of all, most of all – I am sorry that our paths ever crossed – because anyone who asks me to apologize for any of this and does not know that there will NEVER be anyone who can hold a candle to me, and who does not realize that if they lose me they will spend the rest of their lives using me as 'the' standard, the measuring stick with whom no one will ever compare; anyone who ever would compare me to ANYONE for ANY reason, anyone who can know love like this and not treasure it, anyone who can hold my tender heart in their hands and show it no mercy; truly never deserved to love or be loved by me.

Sadly again…in spite of these facts,

I love you.


So sorry.


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