Someone Else's Words Spoke My Utmost Truth...
Someone on DL wrote these words...and they were SO true...they pierced my soul quite unexpectedly...because they could have come from my heart, from my lips, though not with the same eloquence and this woman - who is a writer by trade...but we share this truth none-the-less and I wanted to record it here so I could reference it when I need to...
Tell Me I'm The Only One...
Conversations, though brief, with a friend at a great distance who still remains so very close, so very near to the truth of who I am, hit even closer today in ways that both made me cringe and smile. Cuz it was only put the way it was put because she cares. And because like me she doesn't, can't always, most times chooses not to censor her delivery and I love her for it.
So she says to me: Kiesh, you just need to be alone right now. You were the abuser.
And maybe she was right. Self-abusing and providing out pent up pain in balls of fists and tears that had to end at some point. When I left, I suppose that's what I was leaving. Without looking back.
I loved and I loved and I loved.
I cried and I cried and I cried.
Until I couldn't anymore.
Though so many pieces of me still desired to if it meant having rather than not-- just a taste, right on the tips of my fingers, toes and tongue of you.
So standing alone now with women around me calling me, desiring shallow and momentary things with me. Wanting everything but me; makes me lonely not for companionship. Not for love and love-making. Not for touches and the warmth of a body curled behind my own come nightfall.
Not to be anyone's distraction. Their pretty girl. Their fleeting novelty and good time.
But for that passion. That us. That trust even when you can't trust. That back and forth and quiet nights we spent in baths by candlelight. Those cold mornings when you said, "don't go" and tucked your feet under mine. That knowing my aggression and anxiety. Those long rides when I was depressed. You seeing my scars and rubbing them with your own...
It takes so long to build those things. To learn. To know. To gradually accept those character blocks I share that make the house of who I am. A year in and I'm finally ready to give you the key, let you enter and roam around freely...cuz I love you. Want you to see how much of a mess I can be. How much I'm equally ready to shelter you...
God I miss that time. Miss those things.
But it makes me sad to realize, to suddenly know...I just don't miss you.
And so I'm left standing alone, taking in what my friend suggested. And I'm comfortable and impatient. I'm confused and remaining so clear. I'm knowing what she said when she said it was real and solid, though heavy to hold.
But I'm hopeful. Ready to be fixed. And live and live and live. So I'll be ready when she comes...
For when she says I'm the only one...
in a harlot's dress
you wear the smile of a child
with the faith of mary magdalene
and you wash the feet of unworthy men
come, and i'll set you free
into an endless valley of fruits
both sweet and sour
and whatever displeases your palate
my Kisses will wash away
if you must dance, dance for me
so blessed are the pure at heart
for they shall see god
so close your eyes and dream
for the world will blind you
and i'll judge not
so that i may not be judged
give me what i want
tell me i'm the only one