On Losing The Love Of My Life...(A Love Letter To Sir Hathaway)

*UPDATE* 

Sir Hathaway

April 15th, 2008 - August 30th, 2013

This is a hard blog to write...

Maybe the hardest ever.

After weeks of vet visits, tests, nursing him long days and sleepless, scary nights, and hoping for the best while fearing and preparing for the worst, I finally know what I've been walking through...and must now face...

Sir Hathaway, my precious baby boy, has metastasized cancer in his lymph nodes, liver and a tumor in his heart. I just got the official diagnosis tonight after waiting for the tests results and X-rays. He is terminal and he will have to be put to sleep. He is only 5...

I'm not ready to to do that yet... I can't. And the vet said it wasn't critical to do so just yet... That there may be a few more precious days of remote life quality for me to share with him... So, he will be on heavy medication for the next week to make him comfortable. If he feels better, we will postpone for a little while so we can enjoy each other with some normalcy for a couple of weeks, so long as he's not suffering (If he's weaker, or in pain, I'll have to say goodbye next week, or sooner, if he lasts that long). That way he will be more like himself and can enjoy the love I will smother him with until it's time to say goodbye in the vet's office where I'll be holding him when he goes to sleep for the final time in my arms.

I'm writing because I cannot speak right now and don't know when I will feel up to...well...anything other than breathing for a while... Please just pray for me, because dealing with my own illness, this move that has been forced upon me against my will in two months (landlord is selling), and everything else I've been going through that I'm not even about to discuss on the web, I'm at the end of my strength and the end of my hope and I just need a lot of prayer, love and light. I feel like I'm drowning in an abyss so dark and dim that I may never see light again. I know that isn't true, but my heart...

My heart...

I don't know how to say goodbye to the entity that has given me the greatest, most unconditional, most amazing love I've ever known outside of God. Over and over again, for the last five+ years, through set backs and abusive relationships, moves and mistakes, heart breaks and disappointments...through it all, that little man has been there. I was his world...and he was shameless in making that known from 5 weeks old when he could still fit in the palm of my hand until this very moment when he heard me sobbing for him and used all if his tiny strength to climb the stairs to be near me. I was always the love of his life, and he has been mine. He loves me better than any person I've ever loved has ever loved me back... He's loved me better than anyone. Even now, he can barely move, and he's trying to comfort me by laying at my feet... He showed me what real love truly is. What it looks like. How it behaves. He has been the greatest teacher for me thus far...

Hathaway saved me. He saved my life in ways I can't even explain more times than I can count. How ironic, then, that I cannot save his...

Our love story is coming to an end. But I am grateful for the precious time we've had. Even now, I am grateful. And, I still have my beloved Amina, his gorgeous little twin, who has always been the life of the party, to keep me company...though I worry for her loss, too... They've never been apart...
...
...
...
...I just hope and pray he will make it through this...these next few days...we can part in the way I imagine and not by surprise... My greatest fear is waking up and finding him... ... ...

...That I can make him feel as loved and as comfortable as possible until the end of our journey together...and that it ends gently, gracefully, painlessly with peace and LOVE...

Mommy loves you, Hathaway (*singing him his personal lullaby*)... Forever and ever and ever...

LOVE...

Mommy

#Broken
#Undone
#MyHeart

"Daddy's Song" (Reposted As A Permanent Memoir...)

Tᴏᴅᴀʏ...

Aᴜɢᴜsᴛ 19ᴛʜ...

Tʜɪs Dᴀʏ Mᴀʀᴋs Fᴏᴜʀᴛᴇᴇɴ (*Nᴏᴡ FIFTEEN*) Lᴏɴɢ Yᴇᴀʀs Sɪɴᴄᴇ A Cʀɪᴍɪɴᴀʟʟʏ Iɴsᴀɴᴇ Sᴇʀɪᴀʟ Kɪʟʟᴇʀ Nᴀᴍᴇᴅ Jᴜᴀɴ Cᴏᴠɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ (Oɴᴇ Oғ Tʜᴇ Fᴇᴡ Bʟᴀᴄᴋ/Aғʀᴏ-Lᴀᴛɪɴᴏ Sᴇʀɪᴀʟ Mᴜʀᴅᴇʀᴇʀs Iɴ Pʜɪʟᴀᴅᴇʟᴘʜɪᴀ's/Aᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's Hɪsᴛᴏʀʏ) Sʜᴏᴛ Aɴᴅ Kɪʟʟᴇᴅ Mʏ Fᴀᴛʜᴇʀ... Tʜɪʀᴛᴇᴇɴ Bᴜʟʟᴇᴛs Iɴ Tʜᴇ Mɪᴅᴅʟᴇ Oғ A Pʀᴀʏᴇʀ Mᴇᴇᴛɪɴɢ Tʜᴀᴛ Hᴇ, As Tʜᴇ Pᴀsᴛᴏʀ, Wᴀs Lᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ... I Sᴀᴡ Iᴛ Oɴ Tʜᴇ 10 O'ᴄʟᴏᴄᴋ Nᴇᴡs Lᴏɴɢ Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ Tʜᴇ Pʜᴏɴᴇ Eᴠᴇʀ Rᴀɴɢ... Aɴᴅ Sᴏᴍᴇ Yᴇᴀʀs Lᴀᴛᴇʀ Oɴ Aɴ Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇ Oғ "20/20" Eɴᴛɪᴛʟᴇᴅ "Lɪɢʜᴛs, Cᴀᴍᴇʀᴀ, Mᴜʀᴅᴇʀ" — Wʜᴇʀᴇ Iᴛ Wᴀs Fᴀʟsᴇʟʏ Rᴇᴘᴏʀᴛᴇᴅ Oɴᴄᴇ Aɢᴀɪɴ Tʜᴀᴛ Tʜᴀᴛ Mᴀɴɪᴀᴄ Wᴇ Dɪᴅɴ'ᴛ Eᴠᴇɴ Kɴᴏᴡ Wᴀs Rᴇʟᴀᴛᴇᴅ Tᴏ Us Bᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ Tʜᴇ Mᴇᴅɪᴀ Is Bᴏᴛʜ Iɴsᴇɴsɪᴛɪᴠᴇ Aɴᴅ Iʀʀᴇsᴘᴏɴsɪʙʟᴇ...

Yᴏᴜ Wᴏᴜʟᴅ Tʜɪɴᴋ Aғᴛᴇʀ Aʟʟ Tʜᴇsᴇ Yᴇᴀʀs Tʜᴇ Vᴇʀʏ Gʀᴏᴡɴ Uᴘ Mᴇ Wᴏᴜʟᴅ Bᴇ Sᴏᴍᴇᴡʜᴀᴛ Nᴜᴍʙ Aɴᴅ Uɴᴀғғᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ Bʏ Tʜɪs Dᴀᴛᴇ Oʀ Bʏ Tʜᴇ Vᴇʀʏ Yᴏᴜɴɢ Gɪʀʟ Lɪᴠɪɴɢ Iɴsɪᴅᴇ Oғ Mᴇ Wʜᴏ Sᴛɪʟʟ Wʀᴇsᴛʟᴇs Wɪᴛʜ Sᴏ Mᴀɴʏ Lɪɴɢᴇʀɪɴɢ Sᴄᴀʀs... Mʏ Pᴀʀᴇɴᴛs Dɪᴠᴏʀᴄᴇ Aɴᴅ Iᴛ's Cɪʀᴄᴜᴍsᴛᴀɴᴄᴇs. Mʏ Fᴀᴛʜᴇʀ's Iɴᴇxᴄᴜsᴀʙʟᴇ Lᴀᴄᴋ Oғ Pʀᴇsᴇɴᴄᴇ Iɴ Mʏ Lɪғᴇ (Wʜɪᴄʜ Cᴀɴ Nᴏᴛ Bᴇ Sᴀɪᴅ Fᴏʀ Mʏ Yᴏᴜɴɢᴇʀ Sɪsᴛᴇʀ Wʜᴏ's Iʟʟᴇɢɪᴛɪᴍᴀᴛᴇ Bɪʀᴛʜ Dᴜʀɪɴɢ Mʏ Pᴀʀᴇɴᴛ's Mᴀʀʀɪᴀɢᴇ Cᴀᴜsᴇᴅ Oᴜʀ Pᴇʀᴍᴀɴᴇɴᴛ Sᴇᴘᴀʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ)... Tʜᴇ 6 Bᴜʟʟᴇᴛs Tʜᴀᴛ Hᴀᴅ Nᴇᴀʀʟʏ Rɪᴘᴘᴇᴅ Oғғ Tʜᴇ Rɪɢʜᴛ Sɪᴅᴇ Oғ Hɪs Fᴀᴄᴇ Wʜᴇɴ Iᴛ Cᴀᴍᴇ Tɪᴍᴇ Tᴏ I.D. Hɪs Bᴏᴅʏ... Tʜᴇ Rᴇsᴜʟᴛɪɴɢ Aɴxɪᴇᴛʏ Dɪsᴏʀᴅᴇʀ, PTSD Aɴᴅ Sᴜʙsᴇᴏ̨ᴜᴇɴᴛ Pᴀɴɪᴄ Aᴛᴛᴀᴄᴋs... 

Aɴᴅ, Yᴇs, Sᴏᴍᴇ Yᴇᴀʀs Iᴛ Cᴀᴍᴇ Aɴᴅ Wᴇɴᴛ Wɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ Mᴜᴄʜ Fᴀɴғᴀʀᴇ. Aɴᴅ Mᴏsᴛ Dᴀʏs Nᴏɴᴇ Oғ Tʜᴇsᴇ Tʜɪɴɢs Eᴠᴇɴ Cʀᴏss Mʏ Mɪɴᴅ.

Tʜɪs Is Nᴏᴛ Oɴᴇ Oғ Tʜᴏsᴇ Dᴀʏs.

Mᴀʏʙᴇ Bᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ I Aᴍ Oʟᴅᴇʀ Aɴᴅ Bᴇᴄᴏᴍɪɴɢ Mᴏʀᴇ Fᴜʟʟʏ Iɴᴛᴇɢʀᴀᴛᴇᴅ As Aɴ Aᴅᴜʟᴛ, Tʜᴇ Mᴀɢɴɪᴛᴜᴅᴇ Oғ Wʜᴀᴛ I'ᴠᴇ Sᴜʀᴠɪᴠᴇᴅ Hᴏʟᴅs Gʀᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ Mᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ... Aɴᴅ, Mᴀʏʙᴇ Wʜɪʟᴇ A Pᴀʀᴛ Oғ Mᴇ Nᴇᴠᴇʀ Tʀᴜʟʏ Gʀɪᴇᴠᴇᴅ, Aɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ Sɪʟᴇɴᴛ, Dᴇᴇᴘʟʏ Bᴜʀɪᴇᴅ Pᴀʀᴛ Oғ Mᴇ Nᴇᴠᴇʀ Sᴛᴏᴘᴘᴇᴅ...

I Oғᴛᴇɴ Wᴏɴᴅᴇʀ Exᴀᴄᴛʟʏ Hᴏᴡ Dᴏᴇs Oɴᴇ Gʀɪᴇᴠᴇ Aɴ Eᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss Tʜᴀᴛ Exᴛᴇɴᴅs Sᴏ Fᴀʀ Bᴇʏᴏɴᴅ Dᴇᴀᴛʜ? Tʜᴇʀᴇ's Sᴏ Mᴜᴄʜ I Cᴏᴜʟᴅ Sᴀʏ, Bᴜᴛ I Dᴏᴜʙᴛ I'ᴅ Fɪɴᴅ Aɴ Aᴘᴘʀᴏᴘʀɪᴀᴛᴇ Aᴜᴅɪᴇɴᴄᴇ...Tʜᴇ Pᴇʀsᴏɴ I Nᴇᴇᴅ Mᴏsᴛ Tᴏ Sᴘᴇᴀᴋ Wɪᴛʜ Is Lᴏɴɢ Gᴏɴᴇ... Bᴇsɪᴅᴇs, I Wᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ Eᴠᴇɴ Kɴᴏᴡ Wʜᴇʀᴇ Tʜᴇ Cᴏɴᴠᴇʀsᴀᴛɪᴏɴ Wɪᴛʜ Tʜᴇ Pᴇʀsᴏɴ I Aᴍ Mᴏsᴛ Lɪᴋᴇ Iɴ Tʜᴇ Wᴏʀʟᴅ, Bᴜᴛ Wɪᴛʜ Wʜᴏᴍ I Hᴀᴠᴇ Nᴏ Sʜᴀʀᴇᴅ Pʜᴏᴛᴏs Aɴᴅ Fᴇᴡ Mᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs, Wᴏᴜʟᴅ Eᴠᴇɴ Bᴇɢɪɴ...

Sᴏ, I'ʟʟ Jᴜsᴛ Tᴜʀɴ Tᴏ Mʏ Oɴᴇ Cᴏɴsᴛᴀɴᴛ... Mʏ Lᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇ; Mʏ Sᴇᴄʀᴇᴛ Cᴏᴅᴇ.

Mᴜsɪᴄ.

I Tʜɪɴᴋ Tʜɪs Oʟᴅ Sᴏɴɢ Wʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ɪɴ 1999 Sᴀʏs Iᴛ Aʟʟ...As I Hᴀᴠᴇ Nᴏ Mᴏʀᴇ Wᴏʀᴅs Tᴏᴅᴀʏ...

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❞𝑾ʜᴀᴛ 𝑰 𝑪ᴏᴜʟᴅ 𝑵ᴏᴛ 𝑺ᴀʏ 𝑻ʜᴇɴ (𝑫𝑨𝑫𝑫𝒀'𝑺 𝑺𝑶𝑵𝑮)❞ 

(LYRICS)

“WHAT I COULD NOT SAY THEN (Daddy's Song)”

(VERSE I)

I know it hasn’t been real long;

But, I had to write this simple song

To say all the things I could not say then

For all the times you made me cry; 

Missed holidays, Birthdays and lies

I’d nothing to hold onto in the end

All of the angry words I said; 

You couldn’t know what’s in my head

You broke my heart long before I was grown

Just when I thought you’d be around

With 13 bullets you were found

Abandoned again, guess I’m on my own

(BRIDGE I)

Daddy I'm trying to make sense 

Of the love you gave

And because you were not there 

I am so afraid 

To be loved

I'm tired of anger and I'm trying to heal

But, I need to know

Is love ever real?

(VERSE II)

I thought something was wrong with me; 

You never said I was pretty

All the things little girls 

So need to hear

And, through my anger and my pain; 

Daddy, I loved you just the same

All I ever wanted was you here

(BRIDGE II)

Daddy, I know that the truth is 

You were so ashamed

You thought that seeing your failure 

Would bring me pain

So, Daddy I'm trying to say all of the 

Things I could not say

Like how I'd hoped you'd be the one 

To give me away

Daddy, I wish you had known the truth

I lived my whole life...looking for you

(VAMP)

Daddy, there's some things 

You need to know

Though you were not there 

God helped me to grow

He taught me my worth, 

I know who I am

Because of His love 

I now understand

So, Daddy I forgive you 

And, it's time to say 

Goodbye..

(VERSE III)

I know it hasn't been real long 

But, I had to write to this simple song

To say all of the things 

I could not say then… 

[© 1998 —AɴOᴍᴀʟɪ™] 

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 ***2016 UPDATE***

My Sister Has Since Transitioned From Hereditary Breast Cancer, And, If It Isn't Clear From My Post, The Fault For The Disintegration Of My Family, Proper Relationship With My Father, And Life As A Child--Was Her Selfish And Immoral Mother's (Who Started Sleeping With My Married Father When I Was A Baby Which Is Why We Were Less Than 3 Years Apart), And The Weakness And Irresponsibility Of My Father — Not Her's. I Miss Her. Terribly... Shalom.

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***February 28th, 2024 UPDATE***

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ℍ𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪 𝟟𝟝ᵗʰ 𝔹❜𝔼𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕕𝕒𝕪, 𝔻𝕒𝕕𝕕𝕪 🎂 |ⓅⓇⒺⓈⓈ ▶️| 

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𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐴𝑟𝑒𝑛'𝑡 𝐴𝑑𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑊𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑇𝑜 𝐸𝑥𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝐼 𝐹𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑂𝑟 𝑊𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑆𝑎𝑦 𝑂𝑟 𝐴𝑠𝑘 𝐼𝑓 𝐺𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒. 𝐴𝑛𝑑, 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑃𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑌𝑒𝑎𝑟 𝐼𝑡 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑚𝑠 𝑇𝑜 𝐶𝑢𝑡 𝐴 𝐿𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝐶𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒𝑟 𝑇𝑜 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝑜𝑛𝑒...🥺

𝐿𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝐴𝑢𝑔𝑢𝑠𝑡 19𝑡ℎ 𝑀𝑎𝑑𝑒 25 𝑌𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠... 𝐴 𝑄𝑢𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑂𝑓 𝐴 𝐶𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑦! 𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑣𝑒 𝑁𝑜𝑤 𝐵𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝐺𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑆𝑖𝑔𝑛𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝐻𝑎𝑙𝑓 𝑂𝑓 𝑀𝑦 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐷𝑖𝑑𝑛'𝑡 𝐺𝑒𝑡 𝑇𝑜 𝑆𝑒𝑒 𝑀𝑒 𝐺𝑟𝑜𝑤 𝐼𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑊𝑜𝑚𝑎𝑛 𝐼'𝑣𝑒 𝐵𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒. 𝐼 𝐾𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑂𝑓 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝑟 — 𝐼 𝑂𝑓𝑡𝑒𝑛 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑟 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑀𝑢𝑐ℎ 𝑆ℎ𝑒'𝑠 𝐿𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑌𝑜𝑢. 𝐼 𝑊𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝑊𝑒'𝑑 𝐻𝑎𝑑 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑇𝑖𝑚𝑒. 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑚𝑠 𝑇𝑜 𝐵𝑒 𝐸𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑇𝑖𝑚𝑒...𝑁𝑜𝑡 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑀𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐴𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑒 — 𝑂𝑟, 𝑆𝑜 𝐼𝑡 𝑊𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑚 𝑊ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑉𝑖𝑒𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝑛𝑠 𝑂𝑓 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝐷𝑖𝑎𝑔𝑛𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑠...⏳

𝑃𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑠 𝑂𝑓 𝑀𝑒 𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑆𝑡𝑜𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑑 𝑀𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑂𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑃𝑖𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑠 𝑂𝑓 𝑀𝑒 𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐵𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑦 𝑅𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝐷𝑒𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑠 — 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑉𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒, 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑀𝑎𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑚𝑠, 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑊𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝐼𝑛 𝑊ℎ𝑖𝑐ℎ 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑊ℎ𝑜 𝐾𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝐼𝑛𝑠𝑖𝑠𝑡 𝑊𝑒 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑆𝑜 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒. 𝐴𝑛𝑑, 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑊ℎ𝑖𝑐ℎ 𝐿𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑀𝑒 𝐿𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑠𝑡, 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑉𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒, 𝑁𝑜 𝐿𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟 𝑊ℎ𝑖𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝐹𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑀𝑦 𝑀𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑦 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝐹𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑃𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑊𝑎𝑠 𝐼𝑡'𝑠 𝐹𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐴𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝐿𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑆𝑐𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝐼𝑛 𝐴𝑛 𝑂𝑙𝑑 𝑆ℎ𝑖𝑟𝑡...

𝐼 𝐷𝑖𝑑𝑛'𝑡 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐸𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑀𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑇𝑜 𝑆𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑃𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑀𝑒. 𝐼 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐴𝑏𝑠𝑜𝑙𝑢𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑦 𝑁𝑜 𝑃ℎ𝑜𝑡𝑜𝑠 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑃𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐴𝑔𝑒 𝑂𝑓  3 (𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐷𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒). 𝐴𝑛𝑑, 𝐼 𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝐾𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑅𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝐹𝑒𝑤 𝐸𝑣𝑜𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 𝐴𝑟𝑒. 𝐼 𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑅𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝐵𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔/𝐶𝑟𝑦𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐼𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝐴𝑟𝑚𝑠. 𝑊𝑒 𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝐺𝑜𝑡 𝑇𝑜 𝐷𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑇𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑊𝑎𝑙𝑘 𝑀𝑒 𝐷𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐴𝑖𝑠𝑙𝑒. 𝐵𝑢𝑡, 𝐼 𝐺𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑡'𝑠 𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝐴𝑠 𝑊𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝐴𝑠 𝐼'𝑣𝑒 𝐴𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝐹𝑒𝑙𝑡 𝑈𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑇𝑜 𝐴𝑛𝑦 𝑇𝑟𝑢𝑒 𝑆𝑎𝑓𝑒𝑡𝑦 𝑂𝑟 𝐻𝑜𝑚𝑒, 𝐴𝑛𝑑, 𝐿𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑆𝑖𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝐺𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝐴𝑤𝑎𝑦...🌬️

𝐼 𝐿𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝑇𝑜 𝑁𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑊𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐿𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝐵𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝐿𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝐻𝑎𝑑 𝑇𝑜 𝑁𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑊𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑌𝑜𝑢 — 𝐴𝑙𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ, 𝑊𝑒 𝑊𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐶𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒, 𝐼𝑛 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑂𝑤𝑛 𝑊𝑎𝑦, 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝐿𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝐹𝑒𝑤 𝑌𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠... 𝑆𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙, 𝐴𝑓𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝑇𝑤𝑜 𝐷𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑠, 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑃𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑂𝑓 𝑀𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐻𝑎𝑠 𝐹𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑜𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑛 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝑅𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝑂𝑐𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑊𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝐼𝑓 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝐻𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐴𝑡 𝐴𝑙𝑙...

𝐴𝑛𝑑, 𝑆𝑜 𝐼𝑡 𝐼𝑠 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑃𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑂𝑓 𝑇𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐹𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑂𝑓 𝑀𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠. 𝐼'𝑚 𝐵𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑦 𝐴 𝐷𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑑𝑒 𝑆ℎ𝑦 𝑂𝑓 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐴𝑔𝑒 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐿𝑒𝑓𝑡. 𝐼 𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝐾𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐹𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑃𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑀𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑂𝑓 𝐴 𝑊𝑜𝑚𝑎𝑛. 𝐼 𝑊𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟 𝐼𝑓 𝐼 𝑊𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝐷𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝐻𝑎𝑑 𝐼 𝐵𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑂𝑙𝑑𝑒𝑟.

𝐵𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒, 𝐼 𝑆𝑒𝑒 𝑆𝑜 𝑉𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝐷𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑁𝑜𝑤 𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐼 𝐴𝑚 𝑂𝑙𝑑𝑒𝑟...

𝑃𝑒𝑟ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑠, 𝑇ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑄𝑢𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑂𝑓 𝐴 𝐶𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑦 𝐼𝑛, 𝐴𝑡 75 — 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑊𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐻𝑎𝑑 𝐷𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝐸𝑦𝑒𝑠, 𝑇𝑜𝑜... 

𝐴𝑛𝑑...

𝐼 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑊𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝑊𝑒'𝑑 𝐻𝑎𝑑 𝑀𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑇𝑖𝑚𝑒. 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑒𝑚𝑠 𝑇𝑜 𝐵𝑒 𝐸𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑇𝑖𝑚𝑒...🎈

𝑰 (𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙) 𝑴𝑰𝑺𝑺 𝑴𝒀 𝑫𝑨𝑫𝑫𝒀...🥺

#𝓐𝓷𝓞𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓲™

#𝑩𝒖𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒓 🦋

#𝐹𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝐷𝑎𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑟 😔

#𝐹𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝐹𝑖𝑔𝑢𝑟𝑒𝑁𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑒𝑑 (𝑆𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙) 💔

FULL SONG WITH LYRIC VIDEO @ https://youtu.be/uANm9svFtOI

@AnOmali™

Serial Killer: Juan Covington's Wikipedia Page

For Half Of My Life: My Repressed Truth...17 Years In The Making...

"GRAVITY"

(VERSE I)
Something always brings me 

Back to you...
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign

(CHORUS)
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me
And all over me

(VERSE II)
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I live here on my knees as
I try to make you see that
You're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down...

You're keeping me down...

You're on to me
On to me,
And all over...

Something always brings me 

Back to you
It never takes too long...

— Sara Bareilles 

For TAC...

LOVE ON PAUSE: A MINI Manual For Pursuing And Winning The Heart And Hand Of One AnOmali™...

Dear Reader:

It is my hope that my transparency (translation: nakedness!) in this writing will initiate some dialog that will foster not only my own increase in understanding and growth, but of men and women everywhere with similar goals and desires...

Let me begin...

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While this quote has become pop culture cliché, it is still the most succinct beginning I can give this essay of sorts and was the inspiration for the thought process that has brought me to this place, as a woman:

"If you want me, EARN ME!" — Olivia Pope (Scandal)

Defined (My PERSONAL Interpretation/Requirements):

Pursue me correctly. Diligently. Consistently. It's NOT my job to chase you. And, as a whole woman, complete within herself, I NEVER will (Please refer to your Bible for clarity on how this is meant to play out). I am a woman. I am a beautiful, curvy, intelligent, loving, sexy, sensual, well rounded, witty, funny, talented, educated, strong woman of God! I am His Princess...primed and prepared to be nothing less than your Queen should you merit the right to be deemed my King. I owe you nothing more than the green light that let's you know I'm interested and you have my permission to proceed...with caution.

Prove your worth and that you see, know and regard mine. From go. Respect my time and my feelings. Be sensitive without being weak. Don't expect me to be at your beckon call. I, too, have a life. Make plans with me in advance BECAUSE you respect and value my time (exception: romantic spontaneity is permitted *smile*). COURT ME. And, YES...courting is a real thing. Get into it!

KEEP YOUR WORD (I could write that simple sentence 12 more times for emphasis). Follow through. ALL OF THE TIME! Not just when it serves you or you have an agenda. Not out of fear of losing me, but because it is one of the greatest signs that a male is indeed a MAN and has integrity. Follow through even with the small things like phone calls and texting (*note*: I prefer calling to texting...texting feels cowardly, like a wall for you to hide behind — whenever you have the option: CALL). And, in ALL things...:

***BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!***

Apologize when you don't honor your word. Quickly. And don't offer up lame or superfluous excuses in place of genuine remorse and humility when you mess up. That only makes me dubious of your sincerity. I.e.: I just think you're lying or have something to hide. A slip like this and you're back at ground zero with me and must begin earning me all over again. If I'll even allow you the privilege... Trust matters from the beginning.

Make extra efforts to learn me, study me, please me...to make me smile from day one. Sincerely. It shows me a glimpse of the potential of a future with you. And that you're thoughtful, unselfish and are genuinely interested in who I am and not just in what I can do for you or how I make you feel. BE MY FRIEND.

PUT ME FIRST. PERIOD! Above everyone and everything else but God. Not even children should come before your spouse outside of obvious situations (like emergencies), whether they are shared or predate the relationship. There's Bible for that. And, be prepared to leave your mother (regarding prioritization) and cleave to your wife (cut the cord!)... There's Bible for that, too...✂️➰ 1️⃣

#NonNegotiable

Understand that I'm a total package, can exceed all of your needs and expectations, and I can give you everything you want and more (because God has and is preparing me AND I've done and am doing the work). But, because I love and respect myself, I won't give you everything you want up front or more than you've earned as we go. I'll give you more as I deem you worthy. I'll meet you halfway. Not because I don't want to or because I'm a $&#@%, but because no matter what I feel for you, I will always protect myself and place my own virtue, value and needs above yours... You don't become my first ministry until you become my husband. How else will you learn how to value and to treat me...to meet my needs, to match my love potential, if I don't show you by example...?

Be honest. About everything. From women and your past to finances. Omission of truth is deceit by default. 

Expose yourself. Your Soul. Your truth(s). Be vulnerable with me and trust that I will protect and cover the most fragile parts of you... Your vulnerability is sacred to me. So very sacred... 

I'm a grown woman. An experienced woman with life under her belt and scars all her own. I don't expect, need or even desire perfection. I can love all of you: fears, failures, flaws, insecurities and imperfections. Your light and your dark... After all, this is what I require of you. That's what a real woman does. This is what real love; a real relationship, looks like.

I was created to be your helpmeet and to help you reach your grandest potential. To build you up. To minister to your needs. To satiate and replenish you. To satisfy your soul and your desires. To love you without condition. To speak to and bring alive the King in you. To propel you into destiny, deeper into purpose and closer to your Creator as He loves you THROUGH me. To steadily hold your hand through whatever comes...through any and all weather. To walk with you through hell if need be...

This gives me purpose (in the context of a relationship/courtship/marriage). It is part of the purpose for which I was created and it would please me tremendously to be all of this and more for you. My divine feminine energy craves, respects and will reverence the God in your divine masculine energy... But, I will NOT be your doormat. I will not give myself to you freely or even at a discount. YOU MUST EARN ME. And I will not do things out of order (I.e. perform your role for you...not even with regards to our initiation or your pursuit...according to The Word, that is not meant to be my role). AHEM:

Proverbs 18:22 (KJV)

22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

BE THE MAN OF GOD AND OF INTEGRITY THAT YOU CLAIM TO BE! If you can't be trusted to give your best to honor the God you serve, who is the giver and sustainer of your life, how can you be trusted to truly love or honor me??? How can I trust you with my heart (or our future) when God can't trust you with His?

Here is the reality. I was made for you. I want to love you. I hate games. It pleases me to serve you (as independent, strong, self sufficient and career driven as I am). I will exponentially multiply EVERYTHING you place in my hands. I will propel you deeper into your destiny and your purpose. I will submit to your leadership willingly — by my choice and as your equal. I like knowing you can and will take care of me. It makes me feel safe. I want to trust you. Completely. I want to willingly SUBMIT to you BECAUSE I trust you and, more importantly, I trust the God in you to be my covering, protector, provider, lover, my confidant, my best friend, husband and the future father of my children. I want to give you my unequivocal, unconditional ALL, but I need to be able to trust you with that kind of power and the building of that trust commences with the first hello and the foundation on which we begin. A foundation that you, alone, must lay as a man who is seeking to find his 'good thing'. My only role: to be a really good thing...(and I think I've got that covered...;).

I don't want you to jump through hoops for some perverse play of power. I want you to step up your game so we can stop the madness of the game and get about the business of loving each other madly.

So, man of God: do you think you can handle that? Because until you can, I'll be tragically just out of your reach. And, as time is of the essence, and waits for no one, yours/ours may just run out. 

Tick tock...

Signed,

"Love On Pause"

"The Invitation"(...Another's Words, My Echoed Truth...)

❞𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍❞

(...𝑀𝑦 𝑆𝑜𝑢𝑙'𝑠 𝐸𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑒𝑑 𝑇𝑟𝑢𝑡ℎ...)

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ʟɪᴠɪɴɢ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀᴄʜᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴀʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ ᴏғ ᴍᴇᴇᴛɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ’s ʟᴏɴɢɪɴɢ.

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ʜᴏᴡ ᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ʀɪsᴋ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ғᴏᴏʟ ғᴏʀ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ, ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀᴅᴠᴇɴᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴏғ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ.

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴘʟᴀɴᴇᴛs ᴀʀᴇ sᴏ̨ᴜᴀʀɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍᴏᴏɴ... I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴇɴᴛʀᴇ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ sᴏʀʀᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴏᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ ʙʏ ʟɪғᴇ’s ʙᴇᴛʀᴀʏᴀʟs ᴏʀ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ sʜʀɪᴠᴇʟʟᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴄʟᴏsᴇᴅ ғʀᴏᴍ ғᴇᴀʀ ᴏғ ғᴜʀᴛʜᴇʀ ᴘᴀɪɴ.

 

I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ sɪᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀɪɴ ᴍɪɴᴇ ᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʜɪᴅᴇ ɪᴛ ᴏʀ ғᴀᴅᴇ ɪᴛ ᴏʀ ғɪx ɪᴛ.

 

I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴊᴏʏ ᴍɪɴᴇ ᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ᴅᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴡɪʟᴅɴᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴄsᴛᴀsʏ ғɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴘs ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ғɪɴɢᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏᴇs ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴄᴀᴜᴛɪᴏɴɪɴɢ ᴜs ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ʀᴇᴀʟɪsᴛɪᴄ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪᴍɪᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴs ᴏғ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ.

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ɪғ ᴛʜᴇ sᴛᴏʀʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛᴇʟʟɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ɪs ᴛʀᴜᴇ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ᴅɪsᴀᴘᴘᴏɪɴᴛ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ. Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇᴀʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀᴄᴄᴜsᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏғ ʙᴇᴛʀᴀʏᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛʀᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ sᴏᴜʟ. Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ғᴀɪᴛʜʟᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇғᴏʀᴇ ᴛʀᴜsᴛᴡᴏʀᴛʜʏ.

 

I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ sᴇᴇ Bᴇᴀᴜᴛʏ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪᴛ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴛʏ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ᴅᴀʏ. Aɴᴅ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ sᴏᴜʀᴄᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ʟɪғᴇ ғʀᴏᴍ ɪᴛs ᴘʀᴇsᴇɴᴄᴇ.

 

I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʟɪᴠᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ғᴀɪʟᴜʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀs ᴀɴᴅ ᴍɪɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ sᴛɪʟʟ sᴛᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴅɢᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀᴋᴇ ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ sɪʟᴠᴇʀ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴜʟʟ ᴍᴏᴏɴ, “Yᴇs.”

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴠᴇ ᴏʀ ʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴍᴏɴᴇʏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ɢᴇᴛ ᴜᴘ ᴀғᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ɴɪɢʜᴛ ᴏғ ɢʀɪᴇғ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇsᴘᴀɪʀ ᴡᴇᴀʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ʙʀᴜɪsᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴏ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɴᴇᴇᴅs ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴅᴏɴᴇ ᴛᴏ ғᴇᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜɪʟᴅʀᴇɴ.

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴏʀ ʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ʜᴇʀᴇ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ sᴛᴀɴᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴇɴᴛʀᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ғɪʀᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ sʜʀɪɴᴋ ʙᴀᴄᴋ.

 

Iᴛ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴏʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴏʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴡʜᴏᴍ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ sᴛᴜᴅɪᴇᴅ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ sᴜsᴛᴀɪɴs ʏᴏᴜ ғʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴsɪᴅᴇ ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴀʟʟ ᴇʟsᴇ ғᴀʟʟs ᴀᴡᴀʏ.

 

I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ ᴀɴᴅ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴘᴀɴʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴍᴘᴛʏ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛs.

 

— Oʀɪᴀʜ © Mᴏᴜɴᴛᴀɪɴ Dʀᴇᴀᴍɪɴɢ, ғʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴏᴋ "Tʜᴇ Iɴᴠɪᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ"

_________________________________________

Tʜɪs Is Sᴛɪʟʟ Oɴᴇ Oғ Mʏ Fᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ Pɪᴇᴄᴇs Oғ Wʀɪᴛɪɴɢ Aɴʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ A Dᴇᴄᴀᴅᴇ+ Lᴀᴛᴇʀ...🖤

The Dilemma Of Yes...

The Dilemma Of Yes...

"God Wants A Yes..."

While Listening To Vintage James Hall Today As I Was Choosing Music To Assign To AV4AP, This Song Struck Me Differently Than Before, Stayed With Me, And Caused Me Pause...

GOD WANTS A YES... What A Difficult Statement To Process When You Actually Ponder It Beyond Church Cliché.

I Think Maybe Our Unwillingness To Give A Complete Yes Lies Less In Defiance And More In Fear And/Or Ignorance. It's Difficult To Say Yes When The Consequences Of Such A Statement Are Elusive. It's Even Harder, Yet, To 'Stand Still' And Absorb The Layers Of What Yes Requires When Your Very Survival Dictates That You Stay In Constant Motion...

My Biggest And Most Time Consuming Challenge Throughout My Adulthood, Thus Far, Has Been Finding A Balance Between My Dreams/Desires And My Calling. More, It’s Been The Struggle With ‘Yes’ To The Call On My Life For Fear That God's Purpose For Me May Somehow Eliminate My Dreams, Desires And Most Of All, My Freedom. I’m Not New To This World. I Fully Know The Costs. It’s An Expensive Trade.

No Sermon Will Fix This Dilemma (I Could Preach Several Myself That Would Make You Go In)... I Do, However, Draw Courage From The (Para)Phrasing Of My God-Mama Oprah *smile*.

"God Dreams The Bigger Dream."

If I Could Ever Wrap My Mind Around What My Spirit Knows As Truth, That Surrender Can Only Expedite My Dreams And Destiny Because God Will Do "Exceedingly, Abundantly, Above All I Can Ask Or Think", I Might Actually Emerge From Analysis Paralysis And Find My Faith, My Courage, And The Yes That Came So Easily Before I Put Away Childish Things...

This Is Just My Random Observation To An Abstract, Yet Powerful Statement, Made More Vivid To Me Through My Most Fluent Language: Song.

Yes, "God Wants A Yes."

And, Well, I'm Still Working On That... #E320 

A HANDFUL...

 

I Oғᴛᴇɴ Hᴇᴀʀ Iᴛ Sᴀɪᴅ Tʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ A Hᴀɴᴅғᴜʟ...

Wʜɪʟᴇ Tʜɪs Mᴀʏ Bᴇ Tʀᴜᴇ, I'ᴠᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Tᴏ Tʜᴇ Cᴏɴᴄʟᴜsɪᴏɴ (As Hᴀᴠᴇ Tʜᴇ Fᴇᴡ Fᴏʟᴋs Wʜᴏ Tʀᴜʟʏ Kɴᴏᴡ Mᴇ), Tʜᴀᴛ I Aᴍ Wᴇʟʟ Wᴏʀᴛʜ Tʜᴇ Eғғᴏʀᴛ Sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ Yᴏᴜ Aᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ Bᴇ Cᴀᴘᴀʙʟᴇ Oғ Tʜᴇ Hᴀɴᴅʟɪɴɢ...

Nᴏᴛ Oɴʟʏ Aᴍ I Nᴏᴛ Bᴜɪʟᴛ Tᴏ Bʀᴇᴀᴋ, Bᴜᴛ I'ᴍ Aʟsᴏ Nᴏᴛ Bᴜɪʟᴛ Fᴏʀ Tʜᴇ Wᴇᴀᴋ, Fʀᴀɪʟ, Sʜᴀʟʟᴏᴡ, Iɴsᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ Oʀ Fᴀɪɴᴛ Oғ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ...

Sᴏ, Sɪɴᴄᴇ I Aᴍ A 'Hᴀɴᴅғᴜʟ', Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ Mᴀᴋɪɴɢ Tʜᴇ Aᴛᴛᴇᴍᴘᴛ, Mᴀᴋᴇ Sᴜʀᴇ Yᴏᴜ Hᴀᴠᴇ Bɪɢ Eɴᴏᴜɢʜ Hᴀɴᴅs Fᴏʀ Tʜᴇ Jᴏʙ As Mᴀɴʏ Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ Hᴀᴠᴇ Tʀɪᴇᴅ Aɴᴅ Fᴀɪʟᴇᴅ... Tʜᴇɴ Rᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ Oɴᴇ Sɪᴍᴘʟᴇ Rᴜʟᴇ...

Hᴀɴᴅʟᴇ Wɪᴛʜ Cᴀʀᴇ...

Oᴛʜᴇʀᴡɪsᴇ, I Mɪɢʜᴛ Jᴜsᴛ Sʟɪᴘ Tʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ Yᴏᴜʀ Fɪɴɢᴇʀs...

#𝓐𝓷𝓞𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓲™

#𝑩𝒖𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒓 🦋

Yesterdays, Sundays, And The World That Once Was...

Well, It's Sunday...

And I'm Remembering What An Exciting Thing That Once Was For Me...In Spite Of The Too Frequent Jealousy And/Or Cruelty Of Church Folks Who Too Often Were Threatened By Anything Different Or Free...(And, I Was Born Both Different And Free)...

And, I Am Saddened.

Not For The Less Than Ideal Memories Of People In Their Lack Of Kindness (And, A Great Many, In Retrospect Were Kinder Than My Child's Mind Realized, Even If They Were The Minority) — But, Because What Once Was My Home, Sanctuary, Safety; The World That Bore Me And For The First Half Of My Life Was The Only World I'd Ever Known; The Place Where I Once Felt God In Potent Doses That Forever Shaped My Relationship With My Creator — Now Reminds Me Of Nothing More Than The Facade Of The Painted Smile On A Fading China Doll In A Well Rehearsed Cage. Impotent. Lifeless. Usually Godless In It's Presentation. Ritual For Ritual's Sake. An Elaborate Weekly Social Event. The Celebration Of People, Leaders, Clothes And Materials...VANITY. Bad Theology And Faulty Doctrine That Has Long Forgotten It's Origins In Love, In Help, In Selfless-ness, Service And Sacrifice... — Has Long Forgotten The Most Basic Christian Premise Of Them All:

GOD IS LOVE. 

What I Wouldn't Give To Travel Back In Time As The Woman I Am Now To The Experience That Once Molded The Little Girl Who Will Eternally Live Inside Of Her. To Feel Something Real In The Midst Of A Service; Godly, Spiritual, Without Motive, Greed, Narcissism Or Manipulation... People Who Just Really Loved God, Loved Revelling In His Presence, And Even, On Occasion, When It Really Counted, Loved Each Other... In A Genuine, Tangible Way...

To Worship The God Of My Understanding In Freedom, Spirit And In Truth Sans Hypocrisy Or Judgement. 

It Leaves Me Feeling Homeless; Empty... "Like A Motherless Child A Long Way From Home". Disconnected From My Roots, And, Thus, Sometimes From Myself.

—Wishing I Could Somehow Bridge My Dual Worlds, My Two Halves, My Intellect With My Core, My Experience In This World Beyond Those Walls With The Profound And Powerful Foundation Established Within Them... A Fusion Of Tangible And Intangible, Flesh And Spirit. A Full Spiritual Eclipse — A Total Integration Of My Whole Self And Not Just My Socially Or Religiously Acceptable Pieces. Resolution For Cognitive Dissonance And Existential Crisis Juxtaposed The Moments Of Absolute Certainty Spent In The Undeniable Presence Of God, Bathed In His Spirit And His Love. Without Limit. 

I'm Left Wishing For; Wanting So Many Things When I Remember Way Back Then...Wishing I Had Something To Look Forward To Come Week's End: A Replenishing, An Uplifting, The Sheer Possibility Of Being Left Somehow Richer, Stronger And Better Than I Was Found. Restored, Renewed, Hopeful, Exponentially Growing Faith... Instead, I Always Find Myself Having To Draw Inspiration From Looking Behind...

But, Sadly, I Never, Ever Look Forward.......

To Sundays.

And, After All Of These Years, It Still Hurts...

______________________________________________

CHURCH GIRL 
 (VERSE I) Dipped in water, preacher's daughter Read your entire Holy Grail Started to question all this oppression Why your religion seems to fail Tired of lies and all your jaded views And, now that I'm living in truth I see that truth don't live in you 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broke down Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And, though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VERSE II) Mama said that if a long skirt Could cover up a black heart We would all go to Heaven And, the bishop's/evangedyke's room key Was given to me Long before puberty began Manipulating my mind for their own gain Well, sometimes your temple of God Is nothing more than a house of pain… And shame… 
 (REPEAT CHORUS I)  (CHORUS II) Slandered and My gifts sold But, I never was made whole They didn't just break my spirit They ripped out my soul  Been jaded Mind abused 'Til there was nothing left to lose And though I may not live like you I'm still a church girl 
 (BRIDGE) I used to think that the church Was a place for the spiritually ill Since all our souls are weary from this life A place where hearts could heal But, in my desperation Church folk never yielded higher ground It wasn't until I turned and walked away True faith in God I found 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broken Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VAMP OUT)I still believe in the body Just don't believe in the building (Repeat to Fade) 
 – Copyright 2003 © AnOmali 101 –

"Hand Speak"

I wish I could hear what your hands have to say...
(Because I know you speak with your hands)
Unencumbered by words
When they caress, graze
Hold me with desperate urgency
To touch my soul...
Feel the voice of your unbridaled passion;
Pain
Pressed against me
Hear the moans that,
In their utterance,
Offer up coded soliloquy
That only my body can discern
See what hidden message lays in your eyes
As you pour all of yourself into me
Silent un-inhibition;
Without thought, fear
Or premeditation.

Melding

One

I wish we could speak in visceral, spiritual code:
Heart to heart,
Soul to soul,
Breast to breast
Using our mouths only as deliberate instruments
Of the selfless pouring of pleasure;
Truth
Of soul saturated soothing and affirmations;
Mute declarations; without pretense;
Without barriers.
I wish I could feel YOU inside of ME
(over, under, and around me)
The way I feel you inside of me, always...
Even when you are beyond my grasp.
Even when the distance
Looms scissors at our difference and
Threatens to cut the ties that bind
Us
At
The
Core.

Even from behind these walls...

Maybe, just maybe, then, we'd finally arrive
In the same place at the same time.
Open to the same co-created space
In the same timeless moment.
Speaking the same language
Without need for verbiage;
Translation
Or interpretation.
Hear, see, feel,
LOVE one another
Without all the noise
In between...

I wish I could hear what your hands have to say...


~ AnOmali ~

This is a draft. A pouring. It lacks finesse, proper punctuation and the dividing of lines by line, stanza; but I hope you can feel what does not read with eloquence...

Desolate Hope... (And The Justification For Carrying Umbrellas In The Sun)

I would've given you anything
Instead you turned me away
You already had my soul
But said my truth got in the way
I'd have given all my love
My heart, body, soul and mind
But I guess you found me wanting
And unworthy of more time
Thus, I found myself withstanding
The earthquake displaced my heart
And yet still my love is spanning
Oceans deep and miles apart
Wish for parting of the Heavens
That the world would stop it's spin
That my soul would stop it's aching
And this love would not begin
And this love would never end
That this love had never been
This love will never be
Again...


~AnOmali~

Untitled...

I love you with the whole of my soul...

I love you with surrender.

I love you without ego (in spite of my occasional need to act out for some semblance of control).

I love you with all of me without expectation; even if you don't love me the same.

I no longer have concern for how things appear and I can't worry about tomorrow.

I am compelled to love you NOW; as if it it were my calling. As if my very life depends upon it. As if every other love was a mere rehearsal for this moment; for you.

So, I'm no longer falling against my will...

I am choosing...

Love.

Perplexed In Midnight Blue...

I don't know what to do
With what I feel for you
My soul is overwhelmed
By you
Your voice
Your words
Your being...
My heart aches with foreknowledge
Of what is
Of what was
Of what will be
My mind plays both prosecutor and defendant
Both judge and jury
In the fight for control of my thoughts
Of my fears
Of these prevailing forces
Overruling my senses
My common sense
Perpetually reminding me
That reality must be my focus
That nothing exist beyond this moment
That feelings are not cornerstones
Upon which a monument can be built
To stand the test of time
Even in the name of Love...
That time is not on my side
And the miles between
Make even the dream
A mere fantasy
Thus, this inexplicable feeling
Just can't be.

Yet still
I feel
More truth in this other worldly notion
In my soul's emotions
Than in any other truth
Set before me
Tangibly
And I'm left perplexed
Ignited and famished
And without a clue
As to what to do
About the irrational
Improbable
Impossible
Unquenchable
Insatiable
Way I Feel
Because of
With
For
In
Through
Around
And
About...

You...

Porcelain...

(Please Don't Judge This As A Piece Just Yet - It's Just The Beginning Ramblings Of A Concept I'm Trying To Pour Out - Purge)...

Porcelain

Cold
Hard
Hollow
Dulled senses
Surrounding
Empty fragility
That once housed a soul
Full of light; love
Cracked
With integrity
Maintaining it's shape
Before naked
Probing eyes
Accessorized
With stains, dye
A painted smile
That hides the fear
Of falling...

Steely in demeanor
Transparent presentation
Fooling the masses
All put together
Just so
Invisible glue
Makes me invisible, too
Or at least
Held on by
Invisible thread
I've yet to decide
To cut
Or tie in a circle
Just beneath
That airbrushed smile
Before leaping...

When shell hits ground
It shatters
Splatters
Pretty
Frail
Illusive
Strong
In theory
Soul's grown
Weary

Appearances

The doll hits the floor
Resilient
No more
Once thought
Indestructible
Only
Constructed
With flaws
Tiny structural
Tears
Torn seams
You couldn't see
You chose not to see

Faked you out
Breakable
Damaged
Porcelain
Pieces Of
Me

Love Is A Battlefield...

As you take in the magnitude of the words to the song that is now playing on this page, please contemplate the following...

My Question:

Why is it that the right ONE always comes along after someone(s) else has crossed our paths and damaged us so much that we can barely recognize ourselves...and had that right ONE shown up just one relationship, one year, one lifetime prior, we would have been so ready and open; willing and able; prepared and waiting...just for them?

If anyone has an answer, an idea, or even a loosely related thought, please feel free to write a novel here...


~A

---

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD
(Now Playing)

(Verse I)
You're begging me to go
And you make me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way?
Or am I the best thing you've had?
Believe me, believe me,
I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
And I'm chained to your side

(Chorus)
We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

(Verse II)
We're losing control
Will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside?
And before this gets old
Will it still feel the same?
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer
We could lose control
And when your heart surrenders
You'll need me to hold

(Chorus)
We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield...

Love is a battlefield...

Love is a battlefield...


Written by: M. Chapman/H. Knight


These are the words in my heart...let's hope and pray this is one battle I will eventually and eternally win...because Lord knows I have had enough 'Love TKO's' for several lifetimes...and my heart is raw with joy and pain, devastation and the agony of hope...


~A

"CONSTANT CRAVINGS": The Most Beautiful Song EVER Written 4 Moi!!! ;)

Any time I feel alone in the world (no matter where I am in the world) or like no one really gets me or sees me or sometimes even loves me, I will humm these words to myself...kind of like going home...inside of myself, my truth, no car or plane required...

Thank you, DJ...

Constant Cravings
(Verse I)
If I was a maze in love
I'd puzzle you.
If I were a phase in love
I'd move you.
Not too many days in love are this wonderful.
But you put up a shield to love
Let me break through.

I know you've been hurt,
Felt like thunder on tin foil.
But I know where you'll go I will go,
I see you clearly.

(Chorus)
I'll play the role just so you know,
Don't want control, (give it to me).
I'll play the fool to honor you
Just give me you, (give it to me).
No second guess or last requests
I want your best, (give it to me)
My love is strong ain't nothing wrong
So feel this song and give it to me.

(Verse II)
Just the other day my love
I thought of you.
I got down on my knees for love
And I prayed for you.
Though the world has lied on love
I still believe,
That if you trust and ask for love
You will receive.

I know you've been hurt,
Felt like dust in your eyes.
But I know where you'll go, I will go,
You're my beautiful sunrise.

(Chorus)
I'll play the role just so you know,
Don't want control, (give it to me).
I'll play the fool to honor you
Just give me you, (give it to me).
No second guess or last requests
I want your best, (give it to me)
My love is strong ain't nothing wrong
So feel this song and give it to me.

(Bridge)
I know you've been hurt,
Felt like snow in July.
But I know where you'll go, I will go
Because baby you changed my life...

(Chorus)
I'll play the role just so you know,
Don't want control, (give it to me).
I'll play the fool to honor you
Just give me you, (give it to me).
No second guess or last requests
I want your best, (give it to me)
My love is strong ain't nothing wrong
So feel this song and give it to me.