Part Deux...

WANTING
(After Waiting)
(for A.)

i want
to kiss
You
beneath the charred shells
where the bruises are buried.

i want
to breathe
aloe(d) light into the
airless, sepia prisons
where your skittish heart
chafes and then braces for yet another
graceless goodbye.


i want
to touch
You
with still fingers
in every seismic place
from which your suffering draws flailing sustenance.


…but most of all,
i want
to be quiet
while the bottomless (sub)text that looms in you
sings to me in every possible language about the breathtaking girl
iwanttokiss
You


~LB~

DEEPLY AFFECTED: WRITTEN 4 ME

Waiting: In Deep Blue-Green

i do not know how you resurrect me
with the honey-oranges of your noonday greetings,
but you do.

sometimes, after you’ve gone,
i watch the space that had just held
delicate fold after fold of you for signs of
preternatural provenance
‘cause nothin’ as yet explains why
naked azure suggests only you.

i walk (timidly) onto that blissful ground where you once were
and allow whatever remains of you there to enclose me
unclosing (plaintively) all of my emerald stained daydreams
of how I could love you, if only you’d let me.

i imagine that I am the air that lovingly caresses the lines
of your perfect nose as you breathe,
leaving gossamer impressions of
FINE.

i am the fluorescent light as it
etches minor chords on your skin
from every possible angle
coaxing your poignant browns
into the barest of indigo.

ascend
I am each stair you and
descend
whose hollowness is extended absolution
by the very fragility of each of
your feet (tiny and remarkable even as they mimic
assonant rhythms of frolicking jade and jasmine).
i imagine each foot, like petals in autumn, quietly folding into itself
finally finding repose along the fleshiest part of my thigh.

i am time.
spilling infinite kisses of maybes along the curve of you back
mining the path to your soul
with lazy midnight tears.
Muted.
Meaningless.

i want you/
to want me.
So i wait.


~LB~

---

There are no words to express how deeply this affected and moved me... I am honored. Truly. And, because of these words alone, I now know what my last relationship was missing, what my heart, my soul was missing...and what I would rather die waiting for than to ever live without in love again...


~A

When Night Is Falling...

Fall...

When night is falling
It is your arms my heart calls home
Your love that covers me
Your warmth I wish to rest in
Your touch becomes my wind
Your heat, my fire
Your love...
Your love...

Please rest in me...

OR

When night is falling
It is your arms my heart calls home
Your love that blankets me
Your glow shines as the moonlight
Your touch caresses my flesh like soft wind
Your breath, a whispering breeze upon my cheek
Your heat, my warmth, my fire
Your love...
Your love...

Please rest in me...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

Love Lessons...

1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-8 (KJV)

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.

---

The Peterson Translation breaks it down even better:


1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-8

⁴Love never gives up, love cares more for others than for self. It does not want what it does not have, love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head. ⁵Does not force itself on others, Isn't always me first, doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others. ⁶Doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth. ⁷Puts up with anything, Trust GOD ALWAYS, Always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

⁸Love never dies.




Something small but wonderful happened to me today...

It occurred to me that God is always doing little things to show me how He loves me even when I don't notice, or acknowledge Him or pray or even offer thanks or the best of myself.

So, I asked Him what I could do to make it up to Him: to show Him my love and gratitude...

And the answer came to me so plainly I could swear God whispered in my ear. He simply said:

"Love like I love you"...

This...this would be my praise, my offering... By simply loving you without fear, restraint, or conditions; by not getting upset when I don't feel reciprocity; by being grateful for every moment when you do notice the little things, when you do acknowledge me...and by being thankful when you do show me that you love me in return...

By doing this, I honor God's love for me.

And this thought/feeling resonated through me and settled deeply into my spirit...

This was God's answer to the question in my heart. And it gave me tremendous peace.

And, so, this is what I'll do...I'll honor God by loving you.


~A

EVENTUALLY

(Verse I)
There isn’t a set age
Your turn could come on any day
There’s no reason and no rhyme
Your chance could come at any time
And it never is too late
There’s no such thing as sad endings
And dreams, they never die,
There’s only brand new beginnings

And right now it might look like you’re at the end
But if you just hold on
Eventually you’ll win

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be

(Verse II)
Sometimes I look around
And I wonder why I’m still here
When the future is unsure
And sometimes all I feel is fear
Then I think of all those things
That I know are meant for me
And I grab hold of my faith
Knowing this is my destiny

And even though I can’t see my way there
I know guidance will come to me
The answer to my prayers

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be

(Bridge)
It might look like you will never
See the tunnel’s ending light
And your dreams might seem
So out of reach, out of sight
But if you know somewhere inside your soul
What’s meant to be
With all the love stored in your heart
Manifest your dream
Your reality and BELIEVE
Just BELIEVE...

(Hook)
If your purpose is the thing that you pursue
If you live life like the future’s up to you
If you don’t let this cold, cruel world
Make you throw away your dreams
Eventually,
What you believe,
One day will be


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

---

These words came to me tonight, as I was writing for a song assignment (trying to make some more MONEY!!! :)...and I guess they are the truth of my soul at the moment... Might not even sell it when it's done...or even if I do, I have a feeling I'll be singing this one myself some day...

Anyway, these words blessed me, as I know they came through me, not of me, so I hope they do the same for you...


~A

FEAST OR FAMINE (Take II)

My body needs to be touched
My heart: to bathe in your sun
My soul needs quenching...
My spirit; to sojourn the vastness of you

Thus,

This is me laying naked before you
On a platter of endless hopes
Prepared surprisingly rare
Tender, wounded, open
Filled with all of the savory goodness
Depth and intensity
Compassion and divinity
Nourishment and satiation;
All the richness that life could infuse
Complex flavors of light and dark
Sour and sweet
Appetizing...
Challenging...
Filling...
And so willing to be consumed

So...
Have me
Touch me
Taste me
Hold me
Need me
Want me

SEE ME

Love me...

I wish to be the feast for your soul.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -



I know that this is NOT a poem about food (it was certainly NOT inspired by food - holla if you hear me!)...but it is no wonder about the edible theme...

I am doing the "Master Cleanse" and am on day FOUR (4) without food (on Easter weekend - I must have been CRAZY!!!)...with ten more to go - maybe more if I don't feel healthy enough afterwards... I am trying to naturally rid myself of ALL toxins from processed food and medicine (i.e. legal drugs) and the polluted air, any virus or sickness causing agents or pollutants in my body because of the aforementioned, and attempting to naturally treat, or maybe even cure my chronic asthma so I'll be prepared for a grueling tour schedule. AND, it wouldn't hurt to make myself even more svelte and fierce for bikini season when I go away with that special someone (although don't nobody want a bone but a dog, so motha is KEEPING her luscious thickness, thank you very much...;)


~A

FEAST OR FAMINE (Take I)

My body needs to be touched
My heart needs to bathe in love
My soul needs quenching...
This is me laying naked before you
On a platter of endless hopes
Prepared rare
Open
Filled with all of the savory goodness
One could ever yearn to have
Salty and sweet
Appetizing and filling
And so willing to be consumed

So have me
Touch me
Hold me
Need me
Want me
SEE ME

Love me...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

STRAIN...

STRAIN...

It is the moments when it seems 'us' is most strained that I feel the depth; the intensity, of my love for you...when realize I love you the absolute most.

See, I would prefer the strain, pain, and any conflict that arises; and I would welcome whatever work, struggle and compromise necessary as the result of such occurrences, to the unbearable notion of not being able to love and be loved by you...and you alone.

So, to me, it's worth it.

Just because I love you...

And I want you...

And I need you...

And no strain even comes close to the weight and severity of that truth.


~ Copyright © AnOmali 101 ~

"CHURCH GIRL"

CHURCH GIRL 
 (VERSE I) Dipped in water, preacher's daughter Read your entire Holy Grail Started to question all this oppression Why your religion seems to fail Tired of lies and all your jaded views And, now that I'm living in truth I see that truth don't live in you 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broke down Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And, though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VERSE II) Mama said that if a long skirt Could cover up a black heart We would all go to Heaven The Evange-dyke's door key Was given to me Long before puberty began Manipulating my mind for your own gain Well, sometimes your temple of God Is nothing more than a house of pain… And shame… 
 (REPEAT CHORUS I)  (CHORUS II) Slandered and My gifts sold But, I never was made whole They didn't just break my spirit They ripped out my soul  Been jaded Mind abused 'Til there was nothing left to lose And though I may not live like you I'm still a church girl 
 (BRIDGE) I used to think that the church Was a place for the spiritually ill Since all our souls are weary from this life A place where hearts could heal But, in my desperation Church folk never yielded higher ground It wasn't until I turned and walked away True faith in God I found 
 (CHORUS I) I've been pimped I've been sold I've been bought and I've been told That if I sang anything else from my heart I was going to hell  Been Broken Mind confused I've been raped and I've been used And though I may not look like you I'm still a church girl 
 (VAMP OUT) I still believe in the body Just don't believe in the building (Repeat to Fade) 
 – Copyright 2003 © AnOmali 101 –

The Diary of Anais Nin

"I wanted to run out and kiss her fantastic beauty and say: I will never know again who I am, what I am, what I love and what I want. Your beauty has drowned me, the core of me. You carry away with you a part of me reflected in you. When your beauty struck me, it dissolved me. Deep down, I am not different from you. I dreamed you, I wished for your existence. You are the woman I want to be. I see in you that part of me which is you. I surrender my sincerity because if I love you it means we share the same fantasies, the same madnesses."

- Anaïs Nin -

Damn! I haven't read this quote in a long time, but it struck me with the same intensity as before...amazed at how this moment/feeling/sensation was captured in words...

She Always Speaks MY Mind...

I love the way poetry and prose phrase my unspoken thoughts...and validate the fact that I am NOT crazy...and I am NOT alone... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More of my babble... "You do yourself and the other person no favors by remaining with someone when you hold on to a part of a person that works for you when the part that doesn't... tortures you." I have a lot of thoughts running around my head like a futuristic highway. I need a valium or a jack and ginger. My ThoughtsI needed these words about six months ago - it would have saved me a lot of pain..hell, it would have saved me from my retarded self! lol ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 02/15/07 04:11 PM Is Forever possible? Forever IS a mighty long time. If we are forever changing and growing as individuals, why are we expected to remain the same? Or get the infamous: you've changed accusation? I realize some things at one's core should not be expected to change such as morals, principles, etc but even those things can be fluid or not deemed as important as once before. What happens when one person does all of the changing and the other remains stagnant? Does forever change because you counted on things to remain the same? Seems to be set up for failure/torture from the start. I'm still feeling this blog out so to be continued... (My Response: This blog struck the hell out of me because I realized I have shared these same thoughts on several occassions - but had never given voice to them. Thanks for being my voice...(like on so many other occassions in pages past - lol ;). Then I remembered the lyrics to a song that I knew well as a child that always somehow made me feel sad (though I didn't understand it at the time). And now, these words make a whole lot more sense to me...(and still sometimes make me sad...): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW DO YOU KEEP THE MUSIC PLAYING? How do you keep the music playing? How do you make it last? How do you keep the song from fading too fast? How do you lose yourself to someone; And never lose your way? How do you not run out of new things to say? And since we know we're always changing, How can it be the same? And tell me how year after year You're sure your heart will fall apart Each time you hear his name. I know the way I feel for you It's now or never The more I love the more that I'm afraid That in your eyes I may not see forever.. Forever... If we can be the best of lovers Yet be the best of friends If we can try with everyday to make it better As it grows With any luck, then I suppose The music never ends... -Michel Legrand-

PRIVATE PARTY!!!

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG...

Just listen and read...



PRIVATE PARTY

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse I)
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse II)
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse III)
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Verse IV)
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become

(Bridge)
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday

(Chorus)
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me,
My angels, and my guitar
Singin’
Baby look how far we’ve come
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become



May you all find the peace and love of self and life that I have suffered, cried, been mistreated, been broken, fought my way, lived my way, delivered myself, been delivered...

Into...

Infinite Blessings And Peace!



NOW SING ALONG WITH ME!!! :)


~A

CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

- Anais Nin -

---

I JUST HAD TO GET THIS IDEA, SCRAMBLED FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, OUT OF MY MIND... DRAFT ONE of THE MELODY IN MY HEAD...



CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU

And I can't even look at you
When I think of how I loved you
Think of how you hurt me

Can't even look at you
When I think of how I fought fate
How could love desert me

Can't even look at you
And I want nothing to remind me
Don't want to feel, don't want to hurt
Don't want to know
Just want to shirk this off
Like you did love...

And I can't even look at you
When I remember the lost time
And some things still remind me
Of what was

No, I can't even look at you
Don't want to see your face
Don't want to speak your name
Or hear it said

Don't want to look at you
Don't want to know you anymore
I've shut and bolted that door
Don't want to miss, don't want to love
Don't want to see, Don't want to know...If you're ok
'Cause I'm ok
'Cause I'm ok
'Cause I'm ok
I am ok.

And I've found my peace now
Just as long as I pretend
It doesn't matter
That you don't care
It wasn't real
That I was fair
Long as I fight
The loss I feel
And pretend I am on the only one
Who feels it...

And I can't look back,
And we can't go back,
And you could never take it back
And I could never take you back

And I can't even look at you
'Cause I know that love was real
And, I like how numb I feel
Now that it's gone

And I don't want to look at you
And see how much I'm missed
Or remember one kiss
Or your tears

I can't even look at you
I don't want to turn around
When all hope was shut down
So long ago

And it hurts inside to know
That some seeds just don't grow
And love could never save us anyhow
The pain is just too bad
And I just can't stay sad
And I don't want to know you now.

And no matter how much I know
I know I've moved on
I'm happy and healthy
And so fucking strong
I know it would cut me
And I'd turn to salt
If I turned around...

So I won't turn back...
And I won't reflect
'Cause it's my new life
That I must protect
And when it gets hard
I know I must press ahead...
Put it out of my head.

Because love was not enough
And you were not enough
And it still hurt...

And so I can't...

I can't even look at you...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

(A Work {SONG} In Progress)



~A

DANCING IN THE SUN

And I am finally FREE! FREE to laugh, free to dream and pursue and live those dreams without restraint; Free to continue sojourning to wholeness without any dead weight slowing me down or causing more scar-leaving injuries to heal from along the way; Free to find and love an equal in 'a love with no illusions' (Thanks, Blue! ;), no settling, no justifying, no compromising my core values. Free to write and sing my soul without explanation. Free to understand and be understood by those worthy of the sharing. Free to live in the truth that my soul has always called home without compromise. Free to soar above an aimless existence and those who choose to dwell in that space. Free to smile at, and for, nothing other than the wonder of being alive! Free to take care of MY SELF without having to constantly look after someone who does not look after themselves, let alone, me. Free to be extraordinary, to rise above all I see and live by faith. Free to explore the world and everything and one in it that intrigues me! Free! Free!

FREE TO BE ME! Without apology.

Life is good. God is good.

And I am GOOD! And getting better everyday!

Be looking for BIG things from me in the very near future~ There is NOTHING holding me back anymore!

A friend sent this timely quote to me and I knew it had to be included in this post:

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it...You know your worth, surround yourself with that same worth".
I hear that LOUD & CLEAR!

I am smiling with my spirit! Feeling affirmed. Establishing my permanent peace with the Universe. And accepting that it has within it all I need...and I have within me all I need, because the Universe is within me, not just all around me...as is GOD!

:)


~A

TO SWAY WITH WINGS OF FIRE...

The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that she may live again,
Chooses the flames of fires
That burn the aged Phoenix
Then nature stands still
Till a new young bird starts again,
and begins the legend of the Phoenix...

---

SWAY

I'm swaying in feelings that don't know how to feel
Emotions I cannot label
Memories I cannot recall...
Not enough to feel
Not enough to recall if they were ever real
Uncertain of my place...
Of the face
That I see before me now...
I've been here too long.
I've been here before.

So I sway to and fro
From certain to unsure
From confident to fearful
From hopeful to regret
Burned by each turn
And I don't get to be the wind unless I choose...

So how do I choose?
And what do I feel?
And how can one EVER be sure
While in the flight
Swimming on waves of fire
And air
Blown about aimlessly
Wind that changes course
With the slightest temperature elevation
Or none at all?

And, so I sway...
And I suppose I'll continue this way...
Until I fall out of the sky...
Or become...

The fire
And the wind.

- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -



THE LEGEND OF THE PHOENIX
The myths of many cultures say that the sun, in fact, light itself, first entered the world in the form of a sacred bird. The Greeks called the bird the Phoenix. The Egyptians named it Benu and it personified the all-powerful Sun God, Atum, whose name literally means "to rise in brilliance". Representing rebirth and a harbinger of good fortune, the Phoenix is a robust archetypal symbol for growth and change. Chinese, Sumerian, Assyrian, Incan, and Aztec peoples all looked upon this creature as uniquely immortal. Perhaps the best known story comes from the Greeks who believed that after setting fire to itself, this magnificent bird had the power to rise up out of it's own ashes and soar majestically into the heavens.

The only one in all the world. She is born and soars the heavens for many human lifetimes. When it is her time to die, she builds a huge nest which not only nestles one golden egg but becomes her funeral pyre. As she dies the sun touches the nest and the flame rises, consuming her body and providing the brooding heat necessary to warm the egg. The fire finally dies down and there is stirring among the ashes.

Like a golden flame, bright as the sun, rises another golden bird, the only one in all the world.

Whether she is known as Phoenix, or any of a host of other names, she stands as the symbol of determined life which will not give way to any attempt to still or overcome it. The story of the Phoenix illuminates the inner authority each of us has to realize our full potential, achieve our greatest emotional, creative, and spiritual goals, and emerge transformed out of life's difficulties, our own inertia, or self-imposed limitations.



PHOENIX
(Now Playing)

I’ll tell you 'bout the future of a heart that heals with time...
Still I see in you someone I once knew
Way back in the past
When my song had words
And the words were meant for you
Tell me when did our future end?
Now I see the truth staring out a window
At love gone astray, running from herself
Trying to make believe that it was just a dream
'Cause when love asks of you more than you can give
You find a way to disappear

Don't you think it's strange
That love could make us strangers?
To be your friend: You ask too much of me
For now I need some time to be alone, yes alone
Isn't it strange to love alone, ain’t it strange to love alone

I know 'bout the future that only time will tell
If you see in me, someone you once knew
A shadow in your life
Before your song had words
And your words will ring true
About love you left in the flames
Well when the smoke clears and I rise
You'll see pain deep in my eyes
But you won't see a tender heart afraid of breaking
The time for tears, the time for tears is yesterday
The time for my life is now
It's time to say
My heart will rise again
I will rise again

- Frank McComb -

---

"Sway" is just a free write; jumbled thoughts and feelings I just needed to get out of my head.

The rest of this is the evolution of the thoughts of my soul...




~A

A CONVERSATION Piece...

A Conversation Piece

"Don’t punish me for the mistakes of others”
Yet you turned around and made those same mistakes

“You can believe in what I say”

And, I did, so it’s my heart that now breaks

“I want the same things that you do”

So I surrendered, let you make me your own

“You are my TwinKin, of this I’m sure”

So I abandoned my doubts and gave into your ‘Known’

“We’re connected at the core,
We just need to make time to get to know”

Then:

“It’s not convenient anymore,
So now I’ll take back all the love I’ve shown”

“Baby, You’re everything to me”

But only when it 's easy, never work

And “I’m not going anywhere”

Guess it’s accountability you shirked

“My love for you STILL runs so deep,

So don’t believe my actions, just my words”

“My halting of kindness to you

Does not mean I don’t understand your worth”

“Times are hard, but we’ll be fine”

As long as I accepted scraps with smiles
But scraps said you don’t love me now
And in this journey, you haven’t for miles

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know
Midstream I would randomly change my mind.”

I’M sorry that you lied to YOU
And now I’VE had to pay the price of TIME

“It moved too fast, I couldn’t sustain”

Is that why you promised LOVE wouldn’t change?

“You deserve someone better then me”

Is that how we bail out on 'love' these days?

“Maybe we’re just too different”

I fucking think I said that once, I swear
But you convinced me otherwise
Now your hypocrisy is lying bare

“Maybe we could be ‘something else’”

But DAYS ago, you said “let’s make THIS work”

Seems you were hiding something false
Somewhere between your water and my Earth

“I’m not the one who said let’s end”

As if your cruelty left some other choice
And FUCK YOU, I won’t be your friend
For a friend would have felt the pain in my voice

I want someone who doesn’t change
Not in ways that mean they are unstable
And you told me, that you were sure
But promise keeping, I fear you’re not able

“We shouldn’t end; I still love you,
Just not enough to put in any work”

It’s sad to know, you couldn’t see
That in LOVE only ACTIONS back up WORDS.

“I can’t love you, AND work on me”

Some shyt you should have spoken from the start
And yet you say it hurts you when
I tell you I don’t trust you with MY heart

“You only see things your own way”

But I’m the one who lives here on the ground
Your whole life is a fantasy
According to the horoscopes we found…

“I’m a bastard; I’m a jerk,
For handling precious you with little care”

Apologies, they don’t mean much
Unless they are repentant, said with prayer
I’m sorry means I did you wrong
It does not mean you won’t repeat the act
Repentance says; ‘never again’
You right the wrongs, and honor every pact.

“But I can’t give what I once gave”

So you expected me to just hang on…
While you treated me with contempt
Your selfish ways left me dangling alone

“Why didn’t you just walk away?”

Did you forget the things you shared with ‘speed’?
You said you needed time; I thought
One day the real YOU would come back to me.

They say ‘Love Is A Battlefield”
And I know that this one last thing is true
You should’ve learned to live IN TRUTH
Before uttering words to me like:

“I LOVE YOU”


- Copyrighted AnOmali 101 -

---

"If I leave here tomorrow...
Will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now...
There's too many things I've yet to see.

And if I stay here with you now...
Things could never be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot chain

Oh, Lord knows I can't change
Lord knows I can't change
Lord knows I can't change
Lord knows I can't change..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I loved you well...and you will not forget me...

And you will not replace me...

And one day you will see what was real, and what was not...

And like so many days before...

You'll want to pick up the phone...

Just to repeat back to me the truth(s)...

Of things I told you long ago...

But, by then, I'll be long gone...

Even though my heart wanted to stay...

It's funny how different things can speak to you.

I was watching the end of King Kong as I wrote this...

And this thought came to me so clearly

It was as if it was being spoken to me

Whispered in my ear:

"Anything that we do not understand,

And which we can not control,

We destroy..."


I love you...

AIDS: SPREAD THIS!!!

In the Life "Out Takes"
Written by Harvey Fierstein
Title: "AIDS, Spread This!"

As you may know I'm back on Broadway. That's right. These shaved eyebrows are not meant as a fashion statement.

Well, no sooner had I arrived in my dressing room than the requests to perform AIDS benefits began to pile up. Nothing new about that. I do AIDS benefits all the time, but the sheer number of requests started me thinking why are we still doing this? Has nothing changed in the last fifteen years?

And, if not, why not?

Have we wasted two decades battling the wrong cause of AIDS?

For the better part of the last twenty years, my friends and I have sacrificed time, energy, and resources to the crisis.

We've raised money, performed shows, spoken out at schools, on TV, at rallies, in movies, hospital wards, street corners…

We've marched and protested and screamed ourselves hoarse.

We've sought out experts, trained the counselors, built hospital wards, created hospices, hand held patients, counseled families, and sewn memorial quilt panels in every city of every state of this nation.

We've back-roomed politicians and bullied pulpits, lambasted school boards and blackballed bigots. We've written legislation and pamphlets and found funding for prevention.

We fought court battles, and took on drug companies. We've smuggled meds, phonied insurance forms, bribed healthcare workers to get what patients needed. We've lectured and written about our experiences.

We've buried our friends and our lovers and our family members and our neighbors.

We've passed out condoms, and rubbered bananas, and worn red ribbons to every public event imaginable.

We've held world events and out-mediaed every single other disease ever contracted by man or beast.

We've spread the message in all conceivable languages that AIDS is a deadly but difficult to contract, and completely preventable disease.

We've done all this for the better part of twenty years and still AIDS is a day-to-day reality in our community.

Am I alone and feeling like a political fool, a social fossil and a community failure? I know folks who think that being HIV-positive is cool, sexy, and desirable.

I know HIV-positive people who have unprotected sex with others without care or conscience.

I know HIV-positive people who only have unprotected sex. I know HIV-negative people who only have unprotected sex.

I've spoken to an HIV-negative teen who only wanted two things in this world: to meet a nice guy and to seroconvert.

Now, if these people care so little about their own lives and well being, why should I care?

I should give up my Saturday night to raise money to buy drugs for some punk who went out and got AIDS thinking it was cool?

I should sign posters and theater programs for auctions to pay for the treatment of someone who continues to have unprotected sex spreading the misery?

Should I waste my time and energy fighting to keep the infecting of others with HIV decriminalized and a private matter?

Why waste money buying condoms to distribute when I can't even get some of my own acquaintances to have safer sex?

Shouldn't I forgo all this goody-two-shoe crap and just let the next generation fester on drug c*cktails and slowly die?

Why not? My generation has struggled and sacrificed all of these years and we've made little difference.

Why shouldn't I stop wasting my time?

Or have we been fighting the wrong cause of this epidemic all along? Have we? I may be ready to join those nut cases who claim HIV does not spread AIDS. No, I don't blame AIDS on government testing or bio-warfare.

I believe AIDS is spread by the same killer virus that has stalked and destroyed our people for as long as we've existed.

Forget "Silence = Death"!

How about "Self-Loathing = AIDS"?

Simply stated: Happy people don't hang themselves, do they?


- Copyright 2003 Harvey Fierstein -

---

I hope you read this in it's entirety and pass it on! This is a battle we don't have to keep losing...but it's time to stop putting a bandaid on this cancer: It must be cut out!


~A

WHEN I'M GONE

WHEN I'M GONE

(Verse I)
When I sing or write
I want you to know my heart
When I speak, give light
It’s because I want to spark within you
Something that is new
It’s really about you
All I am living for
I’m just an open door

When I dance, perform
It’s not just means to getting more
Don’t want to be cliché
Just trying to say something old
In a new way
To make you see
You have destiny
Don’t be afraid to dream
To live beyond your reach

(Chorus)
When I’m gone
I want to know that something I have done
Has changed a life
Mended a soul
When I leave
Please know I gave you
All that was given to me
The best of me:

(Refrain)
Please remember when I’m done
Just wanted to touch everyone
Then I’ll fade into my Song
When I’m Gone

(Verse II)
All that I’ve been through
I used to think it was about me
And now all I do
It has humbled me enough to know
That love is all there is
It’s as simple as this
No amount of fame
Could ever change that plan

Make no mistake, it’s true
I am not preaching or pretending
I’m only human, but when
I look into the mirror
I can see the face of God
Rising like the tide
Urging me to sing truth
It’s what I was born to do

(Chorus)
When I’m gone
I want to know that something that I said
Has healed a heart
Torn down a wall
When I leave
Please know I gave you
All that was given to me
The best of me:

(Refrain)
Please remember when I’ve won
Just wanted to love everyone
Then I’ll fade the Son
When I’m Gone

(Bridge)
When I’m gone
I want to know something I left behind
Will save a soul
When my time is through
There's nothing left to do
I want to know my work is done
When my life is over
And my spirit soars
I want to hear Him say well done
You left a light
And it still shines
In a world embracing darkness

(Chorus)
When I’m gone
I want to know that something that I said
Has changed a life
Mended a soul
When I leave
Please know I gave you
All that was given to me
The best of me:

(Refrain)
Please remember when I’m done
Just wanted to touch everyone
Then I’ll fade into the Son
When I’m gone

Please remember when I’ve won
Just wanted to love everyone
Then I’ll fade into my Song
When I’m gone...

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

---

P-U-R-P-O-S-E

I just thought I would share my purpose for living, for being, for manifesting, for dreaming, for doing, for having been created, for co-creating, and the truth of my purest thought of heart...

This IS my purpose.

Do you know yours???

What will be thought, said, done, accomplished, changed, brightened, healed, taught...as a result of your ever having existed here on Earth?

This song, this blog, is not an excercise in, or a celebration in or of death (though physical death is inevitable for us all, regardless of the discomfort that notion brings), but it is an exercise, an attempt to get you to think about your purpose...an exercise in LIFE and it's meaning.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I've often heard it said that the BULK of the world's greatest songs, most beautiful art, cures for diseases, most prolific writings, and a host of world changing ideas, all reside in one place...

THE GRAVE...

Because a purpose filled life was not lived by those who were blessed with these gifts, ideas, philosophies, talents, that if put to use, might have changed the WORLD! A sad truth, isn't it?...


So tell me:

What will your legacy be???

Or do you plan on taking your contribution to the world, to life itself, with you to the grave?


~A

The Power Of One... (A Collab With The Ex)

The Power Of One...

As my aching grows more consuming,
while my thoughts drift constantly back to the sound of your voice.
I become so aware of my temple’s need for your touch

I come to your temple humbly
To offer and receive the gifts of the known
The space that heals us both as we answer echoed calls

Without words, I moan my reply
With pleasured utterances interpreted only by the soul
Understood only with the heart
Surrendering to the knowing: I am yours

Beyond words, we live our reply
Trusting revelations interpreted only as one soul
Understood as one heart
Blessed by the knowing: we ARE


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

ECHOED FREELY...

Echoed Freely...

So speak to me in songs and psalms...
Rhythms and echoes
Tell me of your people,
Of your past,
Who you be,
Just be free.

See,
My soul floats on the current of a wave of emotion,
Undefined, indescribable,
Beyond the reach of my mind...

Yes, you

are

All

I've

Ever

Imagined

Longed for

Needed

Craved

Sought

Dreamed of

Fantasized

Expected

Held onto

My breathless echo...

My sunlit shadow...

Constantly in motion

Yet, oh so still...

I see eternity in your eyes

I see eternity through your eyes

And

All that is divine

Lays in you...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

ECHOES (Collab w/ The Ex)

"Echoes on the wind,
Made manifest within
Were shadows of the truth
We now are dwelling in..."

"a glance from all-consuming giving
when we danced the dance of reciprocity
hearts keeping rhythm
your voice pouring pleasure into my hungry ear
your body pouring pleasure into my hungry mouth
your well pouring pleasure
into my hungry hands
hearts keeping rhythm
drawing dreamers to our echo

the only sound..."


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

LIFE IS A DREAM

This is where my head is, this is where my heart is, but most of all, this is where my spirit is. I seek that which defies the tangible. I long for more than what a lover can possess in a natural sense... I want my soul to be satisfied...this is the thirst within my soul that must be quenched before and above all else.

I was listening to an old song (NOW PLAYING) that I used to love when I was in college...and hearing it for the first time in years moved me to tears... It is my current state of reality and summarizes this thought, these feelings with an eloquence that I don't currently possess.

Only God's love can fulfill the soul...and this soul of mine, as much as I desire my mate, the one that that I was designed for, that was molded exclusively for me...I long for HIM more than and above all...for a love so true can ONLY come through HIM... He is my source, He is my all...and true love is the exclusive blessing and privilege given from Him and Him alone...

Even the love of my dreams is going to let me down sometimes. They will inevitably wound me sometimes. We will go through storms and hills and valleys...we're human. My career will have ups and downs... Beauty, money, romance and success are all fleeting...

But God, His love is consistent. It is perfect. And perfect love comes only through Him. Joy comes only through Him…happiness is temporary, but Joy is everlasting and does not depend on circumstances. Pretty much everything I think I want in this world, when I compare it to it's spiritual counterpart – the spiritual form of each desire, this world's offerings pale in comparison. I am beginning to see that the only way to possess the things of this world is to take the value off of them, to be carefree about their possession, and to place value only in things that are eternal, and keep it moving while keeping Him first! Not a new lesson, but for the first time, I believe it is being fully etched into the templates of my heart with a sense of true 'applicability'.

There are so many desires that I want to have fulfilled in this life, dreams and purposes that I know are meant for my life, even if achieving them will require me defying the odds in many regards… But, every now and then I hear a still voice whisper to my soul, "All is Vanity"... Of course, these are the words of King Solomon in the Book of Proverbs, the richest and wisest man in all of written history, reminding us that this life is temporary, that all will pass away, that we are living to live again, and that while it is ok to desire some modem of success, happiness; Eternity is so much larger than this life's temporary reality...

I long for that which I cannot touch, that which I cannot see. Above a mate, above a Grammy, above success, above romantic love, above ALL else - I long for Him...for Truth...for the wisdom of an eternity spent with Him. For the answers that the soul seeks that NOTHING on Earth can satisfy.

This life is indeed a dream...I desire just a taste of what is to come to keep me moving through this phase of existence with clarity and determination. To keep me focused on what is to come, and constantly aware that this life is only the journey...it is by no means the destination...

I know the moment I fully grasp this, I will attain everything I desire, because the desire will no longer control me, and the fear of failing in any of these goals will no longer dictate my every move...

---

LIFE IS A DREAM

(Verse I)
There is a longing in the heart
There is a hunger in the soul
A thirst that can't be satisfied
But deep inside you know
You long for
Something that is much more
Than everything that's in your world

(Chorus)
'Cause life is a dream
And Heaven's reality
And I'm caught in between
And though it seems
This world has everything
It's nothing more than a dream

Life is a dream
And Heaven's reality
And if we just hold on,
Then we will wake up
To the face of God

(Verse II)
Half of life's not even lived
There are parts we cannot see
But sometimes we catch a glimpse
As through a glass darkly
What should be
What life really would be
If heaven only could be now

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
There's a need to know and to be known
There's an emptiness that's filled by God alone

(Chorus)

- Anointed -

The Theory Of Flight

“Always remember: Though you may not yet be soaring high above the ground, neither are you laying six feet beneath it.”

PUSH (A Song Idea)

(Verse I)
I don't even have the words to even tell you how I'm feeling
And I don't even know just how I'm feeling myself
If I had the chance to make it known just what I'm thinking
Although you hurt me, I don't wsnt nobody else

(Hook)
So I push
Push you away
Away from my heart
Because it's too fragile to deal with this pain
I push you aside
You're hurting my pride
I hide myself from you with nothing to gain
I push down the words
Screaming but not heard
My heart wants to say
Don't you know that I love you...
But instead of I just...
Push

(Verse II)
I don't even know just what to do to show my feelings
Right now I'm so hurt and confused
I don't know what to do (Background: So I push you away)
I don't even know just how to say what I am thinking
I know that my anger's substitution for truth

(Bridge)
See sometimes I feel
Like this pain will never heal
Then sometimes I think you see my truth
And sometimes I'm sure
That this love is too real
But the hurt in me needs so much proof

(Hook)
So I push
Push you away
Away from my heart
Because it's too fragile to deal with this pain
I push you aside
You're hurting my pride
I hide myself from you with nothing to gain
I push down the words
Screaming but not heard
My heart wants to say
Don't you know that I love you?
Buy the words won't come
And I guess we're done
So I just...

Push


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

SUBSTITUTE

YOU USED ME AS A SUBSTITUTE
TO FILL YOU UP; TO MAKE YOU WHOLE
YOU USED ME AS YOUR SUBSTITUTE
`CAUSE I’M THE ONE WHO FEEDS YOUR SOUL

THOUGH THE ILLUSION SEEMS SO REAL
BECAUSE YOUR FEAR HIDES TRUTH FROM THEE
STILL IN THE END, TIME WILL REVEAL
FOR YOU, THE SUBSTITUTE IS SHE.

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

"LIFT EVERY VOICE AND SING!"

Coretta Scott King speaks at a peace demonstration in Washington, D.C., 1970.

---

BLACK NATIONAL ANTHEM
(VERSE I) 

Lift every voice and sing, 

Till earth and Heaven ring, 

Ring with the harmonies of liberty; 

Let our rejoicing rise, 

High as the listening skies, 

Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 

Sing a song full of the faith 

That the dark past has taught us, 

Sing a song full of the hope 

That the present has brought us; 

Facing the rising sun 

Of our new day begun, 

Let us march on till victory is won. 

(VERSE II)

Stony the road we trod, 

Bitter the chastening rod, 

Felt in the days when hope unborn had died; Yet with a steady beat, 

Have not our weary feet, 

Come to the place which our fathers sighed? 

We have come over a way 

That with tears has been watered, 

We have come, treading our path 

Through the blood of the slaughtered; 

Out from the gloomy past, 

Till now we stand at last 

Where the white gleam of our bright star is cast. 

(VERSE III)

God of our weary years, 

God of our silent tears, 

Thou Who hast brought us 

Thus far on the way; 

Thou Who hast by Thy might, 

Led us into the light, 

Keep us forever in the path, we pray. 

Lest our feet stray from the places, 

Our God, where we met Thee. 

Lest our hearts, drunk with the wine 

Of the world, we forget Thee. 

Shadowed beneath Thy hand, 

May we forever stand, 

True to our God, true to our native land. 

Words: James W. John­son 

Music: John R. John­son

 

---

It is black history month, and sadly, just before it began, we lost the rock of our struggle, the woman who stood behind the man, Mrs. Coretta Scott King... May her Spirit, alongside her husband’s, the late Rev., Dr. Martin Luther King, live on through us, just like all of those who’s names we may not know, but whose purpose filled lives have forever altered the courses of our own… 

This time of year means so much to so many, and oddly, not enough to many more in our generation. However, I feel as though no writing summarizes more eloquently who we are, where we have been, or where we are going with the strength of our faith in GOD, than "The Black National Anthem". 

I am so full every time I sing it, whether as a solo, or with a group or congregation. I often wonder how anyone could sing these words and not feel SOMETHING! I am sure there will be infinite and cliché opportunities for ALL of us to educate ourselves, celebrate ourselves, watch ‘us’ on TV, read about ‘us’ in every magazine, etc. during this, the shortest month of the year... However, please make it your business to take pride in whom and what you are, whatever your ‘box’ (or lack thereof) may be, and ESPECIALLY if you are in any way a part of the African Diaspora. 

We are a strong and beautiful people. Feel an obligation to those who paved the way for you through blood, murdered dreams, torture, slavery, Jim Crow, Apartheid, and even death. Feel obligated to dream and to pursue those dreams at any and all costs. Feel constrained to take advantage of education, voting, housing, every opportunity you can get your hands on to better yourself and your community. Feel mandated to create possibilities for your self and for others; to continue the fight for TRUE equality for ALL because the war is FAR from over! 

Feel blessed that you can date outside of your race, go wherever you please, say whatever you'd like to whomever you please and not end up as "Strange Fruit”. Feel privileged that you can go to the school of your choice: your grandmother probably couldn’t. Feel honored that SOME people regard you as an equal, and feel compelled to teach those who are still too ignorant to understand the basic principals upon which this great nation was built: ‘We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created EQUAL!”… 

Starting today; the beginning of Black History Month 2006, make a choice to honor your people, your ancestry, your God, your SELF with the life you live, with the rights you exercise, with the God-given privilege you exploit that others fought and died for. Use your life to pave the way for others... Celebrate the skin you’re in! Honor your heritage by making your ancestors proud! Realize that you will not live forever and it is up to you to leave a legacy… The way things are shaping up right now, the legacy our generation leaves behind would NOT honor the rich legacy set out before us by our predecessors… Let's work to change that one life at a time! 

Chase and Live your dreams...it is the least you can do for yourself, for the pillars of our past, and for the children of our future! And most of all, from the small voice of this one queer, Black, mixed, church girl: "Let Freedom Ring"! 

—A

NAKED (Struck When I Heard This)

My stubborn skin is wearing thin
I bared my soul you waltzed right in
I gave you everything
And you just made me feel so very
NAKED.
And I don't remember
How I let myself become so unraveled.
I spilled my guts on your best shoes
You keep it in.
I let it loose.
It's only love that makes me feel
Like getting so completely
NAKED.
And I don't remember
How I let myself become so unraveled.
I’m naked, pretty as a heartache
Waiting for my second skin to settle in
Your hardened heart can't hide you now
It loves as much as you allow
And in the end the eyeball army
Will just take you down and you'll be
NAKED.
Nothing but a heartache.
And you know there's nothing that can hide you now
You're NAKED.
Pretty as a heartache
Going out exactly how you came in.


– Tracy Bonham –