I was listening to the recording of a deceased childhood musical mentor (Ernie Saunders) in the middle of a night of pure insomnia.
And it took me to places in prayer, worship and meditation that were so pure that all I could do was cry and let the world, and emotions, and nonsense and EVERYTHING just melt away. And in that moment, some of my enemies and people who have truly hurt me and even people who have just thrown me shade {like the folks this weekend at a party I attended, who think I can't decipher their juvenile hating and misinterpretation of their own significance in my universe for grown ups and/or also think that they have anything original to offer by way of shade either during or after the party - lol} suddenly flashed before my eyes. I seriously digress...
What was odd in this moment, however, was that as I worshipped God and knelt vulnerably in His presence, I was not angry towards any of them. I felt nothing but compassion, and then a deeper wave of forgiveness than I'd mastered before, and such a release... It occurred to me that the only way to release all of the hurt and anger that has accumulated over the years was to spend time in constant communication with God in a way that leaves me so naked that my soul exposed at all times. I began to see that in His presence, there is no room for anything else. I felt such contentment within my spirit. You can't hate, or hurt for long, or be bitter or angry AND spend time in God's presence. It's an oxymoron. It just won't work. This was the kick in the butt I needed to start ritualistically praying and worshipping and meditating again. When I don't, I am out of balance. Then my hyper-sensitivity rules my life and creates sleepless nights, emotional havoc and general dysfunction.
It seems that God and the Universe are really refining my character. I used to care so much about what people thought and how I was misperceived and judged due to their ignorance, arrogance, projections, and usually pure lack of knowledge of me. But, as I am growing, I am coming to see why that doesn't matter. I am working on the parts of me that make me easy to misread and misinterpret, although those who know me know I have the purest of hearts and intentions even if my truth is a little hard to take and my delivery a little sharp.
It is hard to be extremely sensitive in both the spiritual and the natural in this world, especially when often I'm so harshly judged because people ALWAYS judge what they don't understand and/or is different. People don't tend to like truth or the bearers thereof.
But, tonight, for the first time, I actually had a talk with God about my level of sensitivity and how emotionally crippling it is to care so much about people who care so little about anything but themselves, if that. And for the first time, I recognized that my sensitivity is for His glory, even if it causes me pain. That sensitivity is why I know when someone needs a hug or a stranger needs a smile. It's why I can cry with ANYONE in pain, even my worst enemies. It is why I judge more the 'why' of what people do instead of the 'what'. It is why I can forgive the unforgivable (my father's murderer), and also why sometimes forgiveness is so very difficult for me (people who I loved and trusted).
So, tonight, on this sleepless night, because I cannot continue to allow silly things and silly people to get under my skin, I surrendered my sensitivity to God once and for all. It often feels like a curse, but it is also where my empathy and compassion and ability to read people comes from. It is why I am a servant of mankind, why I am in ministry, and why God will use me to change the world, even if it is only one song at a time. I care…truly, and without apology or restraint. I could not survive and fulfill my purpose without it.
So, I cry more than most. And I notice when even buttheads who truly serve no purpose in my life are rude or judge-y. And, yes, this makes me hard on myself because I so often take things to heart and wear my heart on my sleeve. And it is hard to go through life lacking the fake gene most seem to possess. But it is also why when I leave the stage, there isn't a dry eye in the house. It also makes me fearless and free to always be myself.
So, today, I accept this part of myself. I am sensitive. It gets on my nerves. I realize that I care what people think because I care about people. PERIOD. That is NOT a flaw. This sensitivity means I want to be a blessing to all; I want to be a beacon of light; I always want to be the one person in the room that can see through everyone and know who has a an immediate need that I can meet.
It's very hard to feel so much, to be so easily affected by others, by energy, by spirit, by life...but what true artist doesn't? Besides, to whom much is given much is required. And, I finally see that my level of sensitivity, while it has caused me great pain my entire life, is divinely orchestrated, lends itself to purpose, and without it I would cease to be effective in what God has called me to do and be.
God made me who I am and as I am; Who am I to question it?
I know I am hard to know, difficult to read, and I'm certainly not easy to understand… I suppose I have been allowed to suffer so much at the hands of the cruel, the unjust, the dishonest, the insecure, haters, and the like, so that I would always be sensitive to those who were different, who were outsiders, who were dreamers, soft hearted and awake. If being who I am means being misread and misunderstood most of the time, so be it. I will STILL submit my sensitivity to God so that I can bless even those who do me harm. I will NOT be guarded and aloof and always have my guard up because because of what has happened in the past. I'll lead by example, creating my karma as I go.
God knows my heart. And, at the end of the day, as long as He welcomes me, I may occasionally hurt at the hands of people, but great is the reward...
~A
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