Someone Else's Words Spoke My Utmost Truth...

Someone on DL wrote these words...and they were SO true...they pierced my soul quite unexpectedly...because they could have come from my heart, from my lips, though not with the same eloquence and this woman - who is a writer by trade...but we share this truth none-the-less and I wanted to record it here so I could reference it when I need to...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucky

Tell Me I'm The Only One...

Conversations, though brief, with a friend at a great distance who still remains so very close, so very near to the truth of who I am, hit even closer today in ways that both made me cringe and smile. Cuz it was only put the way it was put because she cares. And because like me she doesn't, can't always, most times chooses not to censor her delivery and I love her for it.

So she says to me: Kiesh, you just need to be alone right now. You were the abuser.

And maybe she was right. Self-abusing and providing out pent up pain in balls of fists and tears that had to end at some point. When I left, I suppose that's what I was leaving. Without looking back.

I loved and I loved and I loved.
I cried and I cried and I cried.
Until I couldn't anymore.

Though so many pieces of me still desired to if it meant having rather than not-- just a taste, right on the tips of my fingers, toes and tongue of you.

So standing alone now with women around me calling me, desiring shallow and momentary things with me. Wanting everything but me; makes me lonely not for companionship. Not for love and love-making. Not for touches and the warmth of a body curled behind my own come nightfall.

Not to be anyone's distraction. Their pretty girl. Their fleeting novelty and good time.

But for that passion. That us. That trust even when you can't trust. That back and forth and quiet nights we spent in baths by candlelight. Those cold mornings when you said, "don't go" and tucked your feet under mine. That knowing my aggression and anxiety. Those long rides when I was depressed. You seeing my scars and rubbing them with your own...

It takes so long to build those things. To learn. To know. To gradually accept those character blocks I share that make the house of who I am. A year in and I'm finally ready to give you the key, let you enter and roam around freely...cuz I love you. Want you to see how much of a mess I can be. How much I'm equally ready to shelter you...

God I miss that time. Miss those things.
But it makes me sad to realize, to suddenly know...I just don't miss you.

And so I'm left standing alone, taking in what my friend suggested. And I'm comfortable and impatient. I'm confused and remaining so clear. I'm knowing what she said when she said it was real and solid, though heavy to hold.

But I'm hopeful. Ready to be fixed. And live and live and live. So I'll be ready when she comes...

For when she says I'm the only one...


in a harlot's dress
you wear the smile of a child
with the faith of mary magdalene
and you wash the feet of unworthy men
come, and i'll set you free
into an endless valley of fruits
both sweet and sour
and whatever displeases your palate
my Kisses will wash away
stay
if you must dance, dance for me
so blessed are the pure at heart
for they shall see god
so close your eyes and dream
for the world will blind you
and i'll judge not
so that i may not be judged
give me what i want

tell me i'm the only one

meshell n'dgeocello

Shhh: MY SOUL IS SPEAKING...

These words, this song, captures the essence of my being more than anything else in this moment in time. This has always been my favorite Stevie Wonder song, though many people are not familiar with it. It runs as deep as the ocean and swallows the shallowness and deceit of this world and the many cruel people who are allowed to abound in it without conscience. It reflects what is at the heart and soul of me as though Stevie was prophesying what would manifest in my spirit a decade before I was born… It is prophetic in the truth that it declares with a boldness that goes beyond imaginings – and thus over the heads of the masses. And I know that these words hold true – and for me, they hold the balance of what is to come if I maintain that which is:

“The substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen”…

---

THEY WON'T GO WHEN I GO

(Verse I)
No more lying friends
Wanting tragic ends
Though they do pretend
They won't go when I go

All those bleeding hearts
With sorrows to impart
Were right here from the start
And they won't go when I go

(Refrain)
And I'll go where I've longed
To go so long Away from tears

(Verse II)
Gone from painful cries
Away from saddened eyes
Along with him I'll bide
Because they won't go when I go

Big men feeling small
Weak ones standing tall
I will watch them fall
They won't go when I go

(Refrain)

(Bridge)
Unclean minds mislead the pure
The innocent will leave for sure
For them there is a resting place
People sinning just for fun
They will never see the sun
For they can never show their faces
There ain't no room for the hopeless sinner
Who will take more than he will give
Then he will give, he will give
He ain't hardly gonna give

(Verse III)
The greed of man will be
Far away from me
And my soul will be free
They won't go when I go

Since my soul conceived
All that I believe
The kingdom I will see
'Cause they won't go when I go

(End Refrain)
When I go…where I'll go
No one can keep me from: MY DESTINY

THEY WON’T GO WHEN I GO


– Stevie Wonder –

---

My dearest Stevie – My precursory musical soul mate…I cannot even imagine what prompted your soul to open up and pour out these divine words of wisdom, pain, and truth… All I do know is that where ever you were…that is where I now dwell…breaking, dying, being reborn, preparing for the next life…and the next…and the next…until freedom…until…purpose...until destiny unfolds…until…

~A

I Thought I'd Lost These Lyrics...

WITHOUT YOU

(Verse I)
So how are you doing? My best friend asks
Should I answer with cliché?
I tell her I’m fine but, she knows I’m lying
Truth is that I’m not ok
See it’s been a while now, since I’ve smiled now
Since I’ve had a real good day
So I pretend to be happy, truly happy
Ever since you went away
________________________________________

(Refrain)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
BUT INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU
________________________________________

(Verse II)
I walk on the stage and sing my heart out
Like I’ve got something to prove
Don’t want them to see that I'm a mess, babe
'Cause I’m still not over you
I greet the applause, but I’m not there
I’m off rehearsing all your lies
Don't want them to see that my success helps
Me keep all the pain disguised
(Refrain)
________________________________________

(Bridge)
Yesterday I cried
'Cause the pain found itself catching up to me
Then today I smiled
'Cause I'm finally learning how to love me
Sometimes it hurts so bad
That I can’t pick up the phone
Just to tell you ‘bout my day
How did things end up things way?
How could we just walk away?
________________________________________

(Refrain to End)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
THOUGH INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU...

My smile is hiding
That I’m dying here
Without you...


– Copyright 2005 © AnOmali 101 –

AGAIN

(A Work In Progress: For The Demon...)

I gave you my all
When you could not return it
Surrendered my heart
Although you did not earn it
So how could you hurt me again?

I took on your baggage
As though it were my own
And reaped nothing but pain
For the love that I’d sewn
So how could you hurt me again?

Abused by your words
And abused by your hands
Murdered me, in a sense
And yet still, here I stand
So how could you hurt me again?

You punished me for mistakes
Others have made
Your past, the enemy
From which we can’t be saved
So how could you hurt me again?

When your life goes wrong
You persecute me
Send our progress to hell
With no apologies
So how could you hurt me again?

Promised me that this time
You would truly change
You know I’m a diamond
I AM your best friend
So how could you hurt me again?

Put all your needs first
While I sacrificed mine
`Cause you promised me
The moon and stars in due time
So how could you hurt me again?

Begged me not to leave
When my soul walked away
Twisted your string to my heart
And I stayed
So how could you hurt me again?

You crippled my dignity
Buried my pride
And I forgave you
Even after I died
So how could you hurt me again?

You took all I had
Like a thief in the night
All the while telling me
That one day you’d do right
So how could you hurt me again?

Never the priority,
I am never first
Gave you chance after chance
And you just made things worse
So how could you hurt me again?

I cried so many tears
In them you could have drowned
I keep lifting you up
You keep letting me down
So how could you hurt me again?

Asked me for my patience
In spite of your lies
But your heart, it never did
Outgrow your pride
So how could you hurt me again?

Things were rarely my fault
But I took all the blame
Manned up and said sorry
And incurred your shame
So how could you hurt me again?

You begged for the chance
To prove your love was true
Against everything in me
I gave one to you
So how could you hurt me again?

Letting go is sometimes harder
Then holding on
You have made love unsafe
We’re way past right and wrong
So how could you hurt me again?

Banged my head on the brick wall
That you call a heart
When it seemed it was open
You ripped me apart
So how could you hurt me again?

And this is the pattern
On constant repeat
Your fears, your dysfunction
Beat the hell out of me
So how could you hurt me again?

But I wouldn’t be stopped
From believing in you
While you held onto HER
I was your unwitting fool
So how could you hurt me again?

Even through all of this
You asked me to stay
Endured all your sh*t
What a price I have paid
So how could you hurt me again?

Unconditional love
Was the promised reward
But on you I’ve spent more
Than I’ll ever afford
So how could you hurt me again?

Denied and rejected
Then finally scorned
My mind was made up
Although my heart was torn
So how could you hurt me again?

As I finally find courage
To just walk away
And you cry and ask why
All there is left to say is:

How could you hurt me again?


– Copyright 2005 © AnOmali 101 –

---

Just sharing my truth at the moment... - 'A'

A Ton Of Bricks...

A ton of bricks is on my head
That is the weight that was left on me when you went away
So much like a man I'll never truly know
So many gifts, and a strangeness that this cruel world can't comprehend
Preferring to destroy me rather than hear or know the truth I bring
The weight of all you were meant to do - poured upon my head
The weight of all of your sins, now tormenting me
Your demons now following me
Stalking the dreams that we share
Still looking for a love that is as real and as pure and as true
As the one I was denied from you...

Rest in Peace...

Love Always,


Your Little Girl

Clipped Wings(A Collab I Began w/ The Ladies Of Mocha)

CLIPPED WINGS

Someone clipped my wings and took with them my belief that we could fly…
Someone took my faith, and it’s like living in a dream waiting to die
Someone stole my hope and left me fearful, waiting for what would come next
Someone stole my mind, and left me wading, saddened, lifeless and perplexed

Someone crushed my heart, no thought given to how that would affect my life
Someone killed my dreams; in one moment, there was no hope left in sight
Someone stole my sense, my ability to make a better choice
Someone stole my rights, refused to see me or to hear my voice

Someone spoke death in my ears, not realizing the power of the tongue
Someone blessed me with a curse, not karma, just denial of the sun
Someone taught me to believe, that in our love, there’s no way we could lose
Someone said don’t make one a priority if you’re not what they choose

Someone once said all is fair in love, and all is fair in love and war
Someone also said time heals all wounds and time will even up the score
Someone helped me learn the truth, that sometimes love with all just ain’t enough
Someone disproved that theory; sometimes loving with your all is just too much

You see love had me blinded, had me crawling like a serpent in the night...
Like an eagle in the wind, my fragile spirit knew I had to take first flight...
Now I soar alone, high, above, beyond unseen forgotten plains...
Temptation had the best of me, but I know I can’t turn back again...
My wings which are my armor-bold, vivid, lucid, strong that were once clipped...
Your robust winds took me on this crazy, dreamlike, egotistical trip...
Now this journey between love and war has ended, and grey skies are passing over...
I stand one of the few...the proud...
After all you put me through...
I'm still a soldier...


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES...

(Dedicated to ALL Those Whose Mission Is To Bring Me Down…)


"The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside the still waters
He restoreth my soul
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies…"

In the presence of mine enemies…
In the presence of my enemies…
...
…
In the presence of my enemies I will fear no evil
See if these words prove true
Than my reward, revenge, karma, fate…
My very rite of passage
Is not in running or in hiding,
Shielding or protecting,
Offense or defense,
In fighting back
Or in my being just beyond their reach
But right in the midst
Of all those who would oppose
And seek to destroy me
Before my destiny can unfold

I dwell amongst them: broken – in humility and resolve
Yearning to strike back
With the venom of divine truth
That would break their spirits far beyond
How they’ve scarred me with their lies
Yet, knowing that if I do not run and hide, or fight
That if I ‘hold my peace’
My reward is most certainly at hand
So in their very presence I won’t cower or pretend
This is where I’ll STAND
Facing death because it’s near
But feeling strength build in my fear
I will not fight and I won’t jeer
I’ll simply stand

“Thou preparest a table before me”…
In the presence of my enemies
Though my instinct is to insulate, shield, duck, run
Fight, hate, kill, shun
To remove myself from impending, repetitive harm…
It is in the very presence of my enemies
That my healing and my victory has begun

Right before their very eyes
I feel the buds of my rewards
Soon to come into full bloom
From the ground they’ll watch me soar

See this battle isn’t fought
With what my naked eyes can see
A foul force seeks to destroy
My divinely ordained destiny

It even hides in faces
Of those I held most dear
Who were only sent to harm me
Keep unGodly spirits near

But my victory will not come
In regression or reprieve
But in the presence of my enemies
God’s vengeance on emotional thieves

There’s no need for me to fight
If my strength’s to be restored
There’s no need for me to run
Time will even up the score

I’ll stand my ground, no fear or shame
And at this table, I will bleed
Because victory is certain
In the very PRESENCE of my enemies…


– Copyright © 2005 AnOmali 101 –

WITHOUT YOU

(Verse I)
So how are you doing?
My best friend asks
Should I answer with cliché?
I answer: I’m fine but,
She knows I’m lying
Truth is that I’m not ok
See it’s been a while now,
Since I’ve smiled now
Since I’ve had a real good day
So I pretend to be happy,
Truly happy
Ever since you went away
________________________________________

(Refrain)
AND I SMILE FOR THE WORLD
THOUGH INSIDE I KNOW I’M DYING
AND IT MAY LOOK LIKE I’M FINE
‘CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME CRYING
AND I WILL KEEP SINGING MY SONGS
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO
HOPE THEY DON’T LOOK CLOSER
‘CAUSE THEY’LL SEE I’M LOST –
WITHOUT YOU
________________________________________

(Verse II)
I walk on the stage and
Sing my heart out
Like I’ve got something to prove
Don’t want them to see
How much it hurts or
That I’m still not over you
I greet the applause,
But I’m not there
I’m off rehearsing all your lies
And they’ll never see that
My success helps
Me keep all the pain disguised
(Refrain)
________________________________________

(Bridge)
Yesterday I cried
'Cause the pain found itself catching up to me
Then today I smiled
'Cause I'm finally learning how to love me
Sometimes it hurts so bad
That I can’t call just to tell you ‘bout my day
How did it end up this way?
How could we just walk away?
________________________________________

(Refrain to End)
My smile is hiding
That I’m dying here
Without you


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

SPOKEN LIKE A WIFE...I THINK TOO MUCH LIKE A WIFE...

I WILL NOT – (This Is A Work/Truth/Declaration In Progress…)

I will not let how you treat me define how I love you
I will not let how you hurt me define how I treat you
I will not let your cruelty alter who I am, or control how I behave
I will not let your belittling of me to justify your choices
Define me or lessen my sense of self worth
I will not let lies conceived in pain and anger
Fester and become truth in my heart
I will not let what I see in the moment
Destroy my hope and faith in the future
I will not allow the acting out of the wounded inner child
Blind my memory to the loving, beautiful adult
That still exists beneath your walls of defense
I will not cling to a human security blanket – new or old
To repress my feelings, or numb myself to you
In an effort to avoid some painful truth
I will not let words purposefully left unspoken
Devalue all that has been shared and understood
I will not let the pain of your publicized anger
Drive the truth of your love from my soul
I will not let pride and shame make me lie, even to myself
I will not let poor communiqué, or lack thereof
Be the sole excuse for the loss of my dearest friend
I will not let fear of pain, or fear of failure
Force me to cower from the most virtuous of battles
I will not let small, momentary defeats beat the fight out of my heart
I will not let my heart declare a crime scene and close indefinitely
I will not let my words be misspoken in anger and frustration
Even when cruel words are spewed at me
I will not be too proud to forgive without penalty,
To say I’m sorry – even when I am not at fault
If that’s what it takes to create peace and restore balance
I will not let my intellect overrule the truth in my heart
I will not overreact in self defense
When you lash out at me in hurt disguised as venom
I will not fail to see your truth through your layers of disguise
I will not focus on the surface of your deeds,
Failing to hear what it is that your frustrated heart
Cannot find the words or courage to say
I will not feed into your self defeated, subconscious sabotage of us
I will not fight with you just because you incite me to wrath
I will not ignore the truth within my soul
Even if is defied by what you say and do, and all I see
I will not let your pain push me permanently away
I will not turn my back on you, when in my heart I know that you need me
I will not be afraid to love without boundaries
To hold your hand and walk through hell without a safety net
To be your silent strength in the battle for your soul
Or love you from a prayerful distance
While you conquer your demons, one by one
If that’s what it takes to make you whole
I will not fear the consequences
Of being true to myself, or my heart
I will not bail out on you,
Even in the face of your abandonment of me
I will not give up on you, in spite of the fact
That you don’t even seem to see or know me anymore
I will not stop loving you merely because it is inconvenient
Just because it hurts; for lack of reciprocity…
And even though my heart is breaking, and it feels like hell:
I will not take the easy way out.

I will not change
I will not falter
I will not pretend
I will not repress
I will not deny
I will not run
I will not hide
I will not lie
I will not fade
I will not bend
I will not break
I will not…

I will not.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

SUBSTITUTE

YOU USED ME AS 
A SUBSTITUTE
TO FILL YOU UP; 
TO MAKE YOU WHOLE
YOU USED ME AS 
YOUR SUBSTITUTE
`CAUSE I’M THE ONE 
WHO FEEDS YOUR SOUL

THOUGH THE DELUSIONS SEEM SO REAL
BECAUSE YOUR FEAR 
HIDES TRUTH FROM THEE
STILL IN THE END, 
TIME WILL REVEAL
FOR YOU, 
THE SUBSTITUTE IS SHE.


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

PEDESTAL

I put you on a pedestal

‘Cause I thought you could do no wrong

I put you on a pedestal

'Cause at your worst, you meant no harm

I put you on a pedestal

It seemed we’d have a different end

I put you on a pedestal

Because we started out as friends

I held you high above the earth

Refused to see you weighed me down

I held you up with all my might

'Til I collapsed, broken and bound

My arms weren’t strong enough for two

Especially with you kicking me

Realizing now, you held me down

Because that’s where you needed me

I put you on a pedestal

Heart’s love too much to dwell on faults

I put you on a pedestal

Love was too big to count the costs

I put you on a pedestal

Not seeing that’s where I belonged

You placed yourself above reproach

Finessed me with the same sad song

“It wasn’t me, I’m not at fault”

You never could admit your blame

That pedestal, now cracked in two

Light seeps through, shining on your shame

I put you on a pedestal

Pretending not to see the truth

And when I took you off that mount

The light emerged and I saw you

You see in truth, I knew your kind

Cruel, cowardly duality

I took you off that pedestal

And the one lifted up was ME

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH

(Written 4 Me)

a beautiful lie

the beautiful lie
the lie that was told in an effort to build me up
but instead ended up tearing me down.
the lie that was told out of pure passion.
you know that thing that people say
when they`re inside you.
in side you.
because inside you feels soooo good?
so right?
how could it possibly be a lie?
how could what i`m feeling right now
be but a mirage
filled with water, wine, and plentiful fruits
placed strategically
in the desert of confusion and uncertainty
only to deceive my foolish heart
and my childish mind?
it`s so beautiful i can barely stand to see it
look into it`s eyes.
because in those eyes i see
sincerity and honesty
unmatched by any other eyes
i have been blessed to behold.
honestly
i won`t lie to you
how could any fallacy dwell
behind those ocular windows to ones soul?
i saw your soul.
and i still see it.
it is a startling angelic beauty
that couldn`t possibly
be misleading me and my truthful heart.
i mean, in my prophetic sight
i am incapable of being fooled.
so was it all really just a lie?
or am i lying to myself in order
not to see my own truth(s)?
i don`t know.
but what i do know is that
each moment spent
each beautiful lie that
my mind is telling me i was told,
my heart believed.
and truthfully in my third eye`s sight,
i know i saw what i thought i saw,
and it was not a mirage.
i felt what i thought i felt
and the most beautiful lie ever told
was never a lie
at all.

PrettyTomboy Ent. ©2005
___________________________

AND MY REPLY:

(Written In Response To "A Beautiful Lie" After Ultimate Betrayal...)

The beautiful truth in coming out of the dark
Is that, while damaged, I am not broken
And I will heal without scars
I am no less beautiful or amazing than I was before you
I am no mirage – and the truth of who I am is far greater than you ever imagined
And your mere words can never take that away

Your lies, instability, self hatred and cruelty don’t change the sum of me –
They only rot the core of you
After all: “A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”
And I have never changed…

My hypnotic eyes, the windows to my soul are still full of a truth and honesty
Honesty unmatched by any you have ever been blessed to behold
Nor will again
My angelic soul is still the most beautiful you have ever seen…
And knowing this beautiful truth; this is what destroys you from the inside
This is what devours your peace
This is why, in spite of all
The woman you claim was just a mirage
Is still in the front of your mind – tormenting your sense of logic
Floating around in your thoughts, your dreams, and your words
Defying all you think you know
Unmatched by ANY other woman on Earth
Because for the first time, you were led entirely by truth
You were led out of confusion
And your mind knew true peace
Because your spirit led the way…

No. The most beautiful lie ever told was never a lie at all
Because I never hid myself from you
Nor was there any falsehood
In my presentation: or my love
I am what I am – and always will be
Sadly – a beautiful lie can never be a beautiful truth
If truth is not honored by all

I will not fight you, or fight for you
Because LOVE and TRUTH are the only things in this world
Worth fighting for
And you gave up that battle long ago
Long before you ever had the courage to tell me
Because you still don’t have the courage to tell me…

So I can only live for myself
And I can only live for today
And as the pain subsides
And Anger is no longer my motivating force
Beyond the disappointment in who you have become
OR the horror and disbelief of
Having been deceived about everything you are
Everything you ever said; ever felt; or ever shared with me
I feel very little but sadness for the road you have chosen
As I know, in the end, it will harm you more
Than you can ever damage me –
Though not for your lack of trying

So make me the villain
Pretend that you are not living a lie
Pretend you haven’t known the truest and rarest of loves
Pretend that nothing we shared was ever real
Because that is safe, and that is convenient
Take the easy way out
Add another scar to that already damaged soul of yours
One more woman you are not over
One more relationship you are not healed from
One more sheet, one more layer to keep you from having the real thing
Go ahead, pretend I was not the real thing
Be a coward, be cruel,
Pull me close in anger; push me away with calloused words
Because you’ve not the courage to say “I was wrong”
Because you have not the courage to right the wrongs of your past
Because you do not have the courage to heal or battle your demons
Because you haven’t the courage to live your dreams or pursue
A Higher Standard – a higher purpose, a deeper truth, a spiritual love

At least, in your cowardice, mask your truth enough that it does not
Come back to haunt you, when the inevitable failure of what is not meant
(As what does not work, will NOT work…)
Has beaten you down – and you reach for the ghost
Now standing where I once stood

Transfer your injurious energy onto me, make it all my fault
Act out in anger! – Instead of expressing the truth: the painful loss you feel
In knowing that I am no longer within your reach

Make me less than I am – because that makes the lie more bearable
I can bare it – I bore you –
And I am no worse for the wear
I am still magnificent,
Still a blinding light in darkness that everyone can see
Even if your lies have repressed your sense of sight and truth
I am still beyond all that you ever have or will ever know
You have always known, always acknowledged that…
Even if you play make-believe now

I will remain the standard and in time
The truth of who and what I was will haunt you
But then, it will be much too late…
It already is.
I will never trust you.
I will never believe your eyes.
I will never receive your words.
My heart will never open to you.
My love will never be fully yours.
Again.

So here is to love
That is: That could’ve been
That never fully was
And the beautiful truth
Which illuminates my path with grace
And leads me into righteousness
The beautiful truth which lets me love you still
In spite of yourself – in spite of my pain
Not as a lover, but as the ghost who will live in my prayers
Until you are whole

Thank you…for the moments…for the lesson…
If it were not for your ability to make me see forever in your eyes
When I was really nothing more than an infatuation, a distraction
Someone used to get by, to get through
The rough parts of a relationship doomed to fail…
I would never know that someone COULD lie with their eyes
And that is indeed something to know…

It’s alright now…I am home again – back on my path – walking in truth
And the truth feels so good – so right…inside me
Inside me
And I know that this is where I belong…


— Copyright © AnOmali 101 

A SIMPLE TRUTH...

I MISS: Your voice – the way it softened the moment, every moment we connected…the way it melted whenever you heard me say your name… the way it broke with yearning when we were not near…the urgency…how we couldn’t go more than a few hours without saying “I want you”–“I need you”–“I miss you”–“I love you”–or all at once…over and over…making me feel you – inside of me – even against my will…making you feel me inside you – we were one…

Your arms – the way you would squeeze me, you held me so tightly, squeezing just a little tighter making sure I knew you weren’t quite ready to let go…that you would never be ready to let go…

Your kiss – the softest lips in the world – your taste – your gentle need, your hungry passion – the way when you began to kiss me, I became your addiction – you would stop, pull away – come back – stop, pull away – come back – over and over…needing me more with every taste…with every touch – and every kiss was a little like making love…and making love in every way was the prelude to our first kiss…

The way you would take a deep breath when my words penetrated you…unwittingly melting me, trying to hide it, but letting me know beyond your words or actions how ready you were for me – how ripe…how anxious – to have me in every way and all that entailed…

How you stared through me – taking me in – as if you could not get enough of me – as if there was not another woman in the world – and if there were you would never notice – because you were so full, so completed – by me – exclusively. The way our eyes locked – even in moments of anger – seeing into souls that were too connected not to see beneath the surface – beyond the moment – into the face of the purest love that ever was…

Your beautiful thoughts – often spoken out loud for the first time – and only to me. Your humility in sharing your brilliance – as if you had some doubt in the regard with which I held you, that I would judge your abstract, random, childlike, gorgeous way of being…I only ever labeled you: exquisite.

The way you pulled me close just at the moment you would explode…sharing with me every shudder, every moan, all of your soul…all of your strength…all of you…trembling in my arms…calling out for me, pulling me closer…holding me so tightly to you – as if to shield our union from the world – protecting our oneness with all your might…as if you knew that the whole world would always be against us – as if you knew the worth of what we shared outweighed the whole world if we just held on tight enough, as one… If only you would fight for us now – the way you fought for us then…

Your laughter: laughing at my silly antics and dumb ideas – laughing in the sheer pleasure of the moments we shared – appreciating, genuinely liking one another – genuinely enjoying one another – not just in love – but in such profound ‘like’ – laughing with you until I convulsed and my eyes filled with tears…at the simplest, most ridiculous things…

Being the one thing that made you smile the moment you woke up in the morning…even when times were hard and your day had been long…knowing that I was the source of so many of your smiles in spite of all else…you glowed for me…so often thoughts, memories of you are still the source of my soft, fleeting smiles…

Or just being the first thought of your day, as I groggily awoke from dreaming of you, after having fallen asleep to the sound of your voice – and the phone began to ring with no need for caller ID because I could feel you even in my sleep…

Your softness – how you let me hold the side of you the rest of the world doesn’t know exists…the little child that still needs to be held, and stroked, and touched, and protected – and loved beyond measure – at the core of you. And I did – God, how I did…

The way I felt the presence of God in our love…untainted, pure…in a way that made me know He was pleased – that our love came from the truest place…and was just as from everlasting to everlasting as it’s Creator – having been forged before the dawn of time only to manifest in this wicked world – in the face of all that opposed it – strong, undying...

Never being bored or annoyed or tired of you or me or us…never knowing where our road would lead us. Not fearing anything about the future except for a life apart…being certain, sure, that we had forever in front of us – and being so ravenously in love that a lifetime would never be enough…

I–Ache–For–You. In every way imaginable…beyond the things I miss, I yearn for every inch of you, every part of you, body and soul, mind and spirit, aching from my head to my toes – not excluding any part in between…aching until it hurts…it physically hurts. It hurts so excruciatingly until I don’t want to feel…

I ache because I can still feel you…because I feel you with me always. A connection forged before time began cannot be destroyed in a matter of weeks, months, years, and all of the pretending, substituting, fighting myself, or bad acting in the world – doesn’t make it go away.

I ache because I can no longer say every time I want to – every time I feel it…every time I need to make you know – to express that which consumes me…constantly and always:

I want you…I need you…I miss you…I love you.

I ache because my pride isn’t strong enough to resist the urgency to whisper once more, with all my heart, even if you never hear me, to express that which I am not supposed to even remember or feel or know…anymore...and be it ever so inappropriate in your now regulated world where the expression of true love is not allowed…

I WANT YOU...I NEED YOU…I MISS YOU…I LOVE YOU…

My love will ALWAYS overrule my pride and fight for you.
My heart will ALWAYS disobey my head and wait for you.
It will never care where you have been. It will never care how long you were gone…
It only cares that you are not near, that it feels empty, and hollow, and void of any purpose – without you.

And no matter how angry, or hurt, or broken it may be…no matter what is, or is to come,
It will always
Always
ALWAYS
Welcome you

Home.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

So Sorry

So sorry for being everything that you ever wanted or needed in a woman before you were ready to handle the real thing. I should have known that when you are used to having what’s common – you can’t truly handle an ‘Anomali’.

So sorry that I am everything that everyone in your past or present was not, is not, and I do it without effort or pretense. I know how frustrating it must be when you find someone who does all of the things you like, and is ALL of the things you want – without ever even being told or asked.

Sorry for the inconvenience of being a total package that requires you to step up to the plate instead of your usual way of taking the easy way out. I know you should not have to work for love – no matter how perfect or meant to be. If it requires work – you should always choose the person who is wrong for you – because it’s easier – and easy is always the goal.

So sorry that I brought enlightenment, truth, wisdom, Godliness, wholeness, unconditional love, peace, and true passion into your life – I now realize that was somehow wrong of me…

My apologies for propelling you towards God, divine destiny and some true sense of purpose – I did not mean to be a bad influence.

My bad for helping you to see the reality and truth within yourself, and of your present circumstances without guiding or pressuring you towards any one way of seeing things. I realize ignorance is bliss and I should not have denied you that right. Truth should never be uncovered through love and with grace. It should stay hidden until one’s death bed – when it is too late to change anything… Who says regret is a bad thing?

Sorry that I have never lied to you or cheated on you with an ex right under your nose, or while I was living in your house…I know how hard it is for you to believe that someone actually is on level when you are so used to settling for sub-standard – and I should have kept the pattern going. After all – we are such creatures of habit, are we not?

My regrets that I am financially and emotionally independent and that I love you for YOU and not for what you can do for me. I realize that most women hold onto their meal tickets regardless of what is right. I mean, what’s love got to do with it?

So sorry that my actions have always matched my words, that I am consistent, that my feelings or truths never changed, that I was patient, and always there for you – no matter what – even when it hurt. I never meant to put you first…what ever could I have been thinking?

I repent for being beautiful and brilliant and loving and spiritual and confident and God-fearing and affectionate and unselfish and witty and funny and giving and sacrificial and deep and profound and great in EVERY fucking room. I know how much you fear the genuine article… I should have held back a bit. Sadly, I am not as good at pretending to be something that I am not as the women you usually choose.

Sorry that I am a lady at all times, that I relish honesty, that I don’t need to tear another woman down or disrespect her even in the face of her disrespect towards me to build myself up because I know who and whose I am and do not have to prove my worth. It’s been said that Ray Charles could see what caliber woman I am from the grave… So I really should tone my glow down a bit, huh?

My mistake for being so authentically original in the way that I showed my love for you: writing you poetry and music and making professions of your divinity to me that made you break down and cry; having never been loved so well, so completely. Singing in your ear until the melting of your heart into a puddle bore witness beneath your cloths. Sorry that we never ran out of things to say or ways of being fresh and new without effort. I never intended to make you confess that you knew in your heart that God made me for you long before I had come to the same conclusion – that I was the “other half that made you whole”, that I was your ‘one’. I recognize that predestination is truly a scary proposition to be avoided by any means necessary.

So sorry that I keep a clean and beautiful home, can cook my face off, maintain a prayerful place of peace, - oh and for my cat-like, thoroughly satiating ways in the bedroom… I know, I know…I should have never fed your spirit in every way, melded into you thus making you feel complete, given you my all until we became one, and made your toes curl like that while you called out my name over and over and over again…how insensitive of me.

While on that note, I had also better apologize because I don’t roll over after I get mine and leave you to feel unwanted and alone after we make love – and because my appetite for you never decreases and I do not make excuses as to why I’m not in the mood. I know you prefer the familiar. I never meant to want you all of the time and please you whenever you wanted me (which was all of the time), or to let you hold me all through the night feeling secure and wanted and treasured – bad me…

Sorry that I was willing to change my entire life for you, disappoint my mother, prepare to alter the path of my career, face the rejection of the church and all those I love, all just to love you completely – and never hide you from the world… I should never love that well or that much. After all, where is the selfishness in that? I’ve got to be like everybody else, right? How dare I break the mold that you are so accustomed to? Sorry to disappoint your negative expectations. I know change like that must be hard.

My apologies for seeing you more clearly than anyone ever has; for opening you wide and learning all of your secrets, fears, insecurities, wants, dreams, longings, and sharing mine with you – and for loving you unconditionally in spite of your demons and issues and repeated mistakes and current circumstances. Oh! and I should not have forgiven you for repeatedly and knowingly hurting me… What was I thinking? Forgiveness? Surely you can’t build on that type of friendship and love…that is just way too deep to actually last. So Sorry.

I am sorry that I do not let my past dictate how I love in the future – or keep me from loving when it is right – in the now. I am sorry that I am not afraid of change when I know that it is because of divine truth. I am sorry that I am not fickle or flaky and I don’t change with the wind and I am not influenced by the words and nonsense of others with wrong motives – or held captive by soul ties to those whom I should have released from my heart long ago to make room for the RIGHT one. I should not be such a free spirit – expecting my stallion to run beside me wild and free in the open air instead of cowering with fear inside of the manure filled stalls. And how arrogant of me to think for myself, to know divine truth – and to have faith that walking in truth will always lead me to blessings that would otherwise be just beyond my reach, and keep the love of my destiny by my side.

I apologize for believing in you – I know how much pressure it must have been to have someone have more faith in you than you do in yourself.

So sorry that I am a fighter – that I stand up for what I believe in, that I speak my mind and don’t make you guess, that I don’t play silly games to manipulate you in an effort to get my way at any cost, or that I am imperfect in my battles while fighting for perfect goals. I realize that cowardice is the way to go – why fight for something that looks impossible? And if you are going to fight – why fight fair – when no one else does? Who has integrity in love and war? And who in the hell fights for true love these days anyway? Soul Mates…cute, right? Silly me.

I apologize that I love you still. I have this nagging problem of my love being true and lasting and long suffering – enduring all things, hoping all things, refusing to fail those I love in spite of the lack of appreciation for all that I am and all that I am not. I wish to God I were more like you and could throw love away like street trash in New York because of my irrational fears and unwillingness to let go of my dysfunctional past relationships – unwilling to trust God and face an uncertain future holding the hand of the one who loves me best. Like you, my pride, and my fears, should be bigger than my heart. Sadly: they are not. I am sorrier for this than you can know.

Most of all, most of all – I am sorry that our paths ever crossed – because anyone who asks me to apologize for any of this and does not know that there will NEVER be anyone who can hold a candle to me, and who does not realize that if they lose me they will spend the rest of their lives using me as 'the' standard, the measuring stick with whom no one will ever compare; anyone who ever would compare me to ANYONE for ANY reason, anyone who can know love like this and not treasure it, anyone who can hold my tender heart in their hands and show it no mercy; truly never deserved to love or be loved by me.

Sadly again…in spite of these facts,

I love you.


So sorry.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

FALL

FALL...
Monolog from 'Fall'
By Eric Schaeffer
________________________________________

I’ve wanted to tell you for awhile now.
I wanted to say it
As you reached for a teacup
In your kitchen that night we fought
About "why we always have to eat
Chinese food on your floor"
And then made-up.
I wanted to say it
As the moonlight shown in on you
As you slept in your bed
The first time we made love there.
When I felt your heart racing against my chest.
In your (room) in Spain,
When you first saw your roses,
Even though I wasn't there.
But mostly I wanted to say it
The last night I saw you,
As I held you in my arms
Looking down at your precious face
Knowingly looking up at me.
Still inside you,
Quiet,
Motionless,
But so inside you.
I wanted so badly to tell you that...
The words each time graced my lips
Like an impostor.
Only to fall away
Like some great blizzard
That was taken out to sea
To rain it's fury on the dark ocean,
Alone, unbeknownst to any hearing.
I pray that you can hear them
For what they are,
Feel them for what they are,
And not mar them with the knowledge
That they stand apart from your ability
To reciprocate them.
Please take them in your heart,
Feel them with your eyes closed
And your soul open
For just a moment.
My voice speaking them softly
In your ear,
With a kiss.
When you smile,
When your head lightly moves to dance,
When your tongue finds my lips,
When you ramble over a glass of wine,
When you sit naked
After we've made love,
When you act boldly,
When you laugh,
When you squeeze my hand,
When you call my name in a gruff whisper,
When your heart races on my chest
In a close embrace,
When you love me.
What I’m sad about is selfish.
I’m sad at God's timing,
I’m only a man.
And as a man I miss you.
I miss you terribly.
I miss your kiss.
I miss your smile.
Oh, how I miss your smile.
But most of all I miss the moment
That hasn't happened yet.
The moment when you let yourself
Fall for me.
What makes it hard for me
Is knowing how much you care for me,
How much in a way you do love me.
How much you would enjoy
Smiling wryly as you hurled yourself
Backwards off the cliff,
And said "catch me, baby."
If I didn't know that,
I could make you a villain,
Me a victim,
And soothe myself.
But I can't
Because it isn't the truth.
The truth we both know.
The truth is "not today".
I know you're not leaving (him) for me,
And I wouldn't want you to.
I would want you to leave him for you.
I also know you would never
Fly a million miles
Just to see me smile at you.
Someday maybe, but not today.
So I guess I better disappear.
I know you'll be o.k.
And soon I will be too.
And maybe, just maybe,
If God so desires,
A day will come
When as friends
We will find ourselves
Accidentally strolling along
The white cliffs of Dover,
Or the mountain rocks of Mendocino,
Or the bonny emerald north
Of the Scottish seaboard,
Or the glistening harbor of old New York.
And from the heights in the stars,
Amongst the angels
Whose arms will cradle us,
In a moment neither of us was told about,
But knew like our oldest happiness.
We will look into each other's eyes
And know... It is today.
It is today.
And whether that day is tomorrow,
Or next week,
Or next year,
Or next lifetime.
I will finally get to tell you
To your sweet face,
The face that I will miss
More than I could ever tell,
That...
I love you,
I love you,
Oh, baby, I love you.
And you'll smile wryly,
Close your eyes,
Say "catch me, baby",
And fall.

________________________________________

HIDING

I am hiding my heart
From the one who saw through me
At the inception of us
In spirit and truth
Because my weakness betrays me
My fear overwhelms me
And I don’t want to hurt, be hurt
Or act outside of myself anymore

I am hiding my soul although we are connected
Although you can feel me as I feel you – always
Because the ‘not knowing’ what the future holds
Is killing me slowly – and not so softly
When I know what the future could be or could have been…
And may never be, because of the failures inside of us both

With so much unknown – and unsaid
How can I be your friend – Only your friend? And rest in that?
Yet with so much incomprehensible and undeniable love for you
How can I run from your friendship and be without you?
I cannot breathe without you – you are my ‘one’
And my heart trusts neither solution fully.

I know that the odds are all against me
And fighter that I am, I know that my need to fight
Will only push you further away
And so defenseless, frightened, I simply wait.
Pray and wait. Hope and wait. Trust and wait.

How can I put down my pride, and still protect myself?
How can I love you freely, and not feel bound?
How can I see the obstacles, looming just ahead
And still be confident in all that I know is righteous, right,
Meant?

I know you’ll never admit that in your heart
You are protecting me as much as yourself
That you are afraid
That you, too, are hiding
That it’s all too real, too potent
Too deep, too much, too fast.
We are too connected – spiritually – supernaturally
To ever make any rational sense
And who ever said that divine love was rational?
Or that it moved in our time, on our schedule, at our convenience?
Such a thought could only come from someone
Who has never known love…

I respect you, your choices
And I wouldn’t love you so dearly if you did not know how
To take the lead…even when it hurts…even when it’s hard
Trying to protect my heart along with yours
Wanting to see me whole, while you let God perfect you
Loving me enough to push me away, to do things righteously
Even if it feels a little like dying

I see, hear, and comprehend –
Even when my emotions betray my understanding
That is only me, like Jacob, wrestling my angel
Not letting go until he blesses my soul
Not realizing he is simply a caged bird
One caged long before I arrived, who must be freed
Before he can be fully embraced as his truest self
One who will fly back into these arms in divine time
With a blessing greater than I could have imagined
Not to possess or be possessed,
But to love in sanctified, liberated totality…
If I wait

And life goes on…with a hope and a prayer…
And faith in something larger than you or I or us
Divine Purpose and Destiny await me
And it is there that I must soar until…

There are still moments when I wish you would just
Hear my heart and ignore the words used to over explain
That which there are no words for…
Tune into me, feel my pain, know my mind
I do hear yours…I feel you...I know you – even when you hide.

I am hiding but I am working my way out of this shell
I am hiding, but I am fighting my way into a deeper place of truth
So that I will never have to hide again
From myself or you or anyone

I will honor love, and not fear
I will honor God and trust in His strength and not in my own
Or in yours
For what is meant
Whatever that may be
Even if am sure that somewhere inside of myself I already know
As we both once did

I will come out of hiding to a place of completion,
With my hand open to give and receive all of the fruit of our labor.
I will bare my all without fear of rejection
Allowing you to love all of my imperfections as
God’s perfection of me ensues
Secure in the knowing that what will be, WILL BE
And through God, and love, and time, and FRIENDSHIP
Anything is possible.
And whatever we share – even beyond, outside, of our ideal
Will be beautiful.
Will be meant.
Will be.

But while I am hiding
And when I am hiding
Please know
That there are no boundaries, no rules
No walls, No restraints
No boxes holding me inside
I retreat only to see more clearly
To firmly grasp the present reality
But I cannot escape you
As I cannot escape truth
In spite of how things may appear
Love, Faith is bigger than the tangible
Our love is bigger that what is known, even to us
It lives outside of the box, beyond the confines of definition
Beyond the borders of a temporary setback
Outside of the realm of limited understanding
It is strong enough to endure both forward and backward movement
It will survive

And I am not leaving
I am only hiding
While I am still loving,
And I will be loving,
Always loving,

You.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

BREATHE

Am I breathing?
Please tell me if I am still breathing
Because my very breath seems to depend upon the words you say

I look around me and
Your face clouds my view
Your smile. Your eyes. Your skin.
Your touch. Your smell. Your taste,
Is all I am thinking,
Is all I am feeling,
Is all I am seeing,
Is all I can recall.
I can’t eat or sleep or breathe
I stopped breathing the day “I Love You” was replaced by "you too" or "1-4-3" or
SILENCE.

Maybe she and I are not so different after all…

My mind says eat
But my body would rather starve
While my heart hangs in the balance

My mind says sleep
But my mind betrays even itself with thoughts of
Every new way you could possibly find to hurt my heart
Beyond this point
Preparing itself for annihilation of the worst kind...
And a defeat unknown to my worst imaginings.

My spirit says pray
But my heart can’t find words
I can’t find strength
I can’t find thoughts
I can’t find breath
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I CAN’T BREATHE

My mind says
Silly girl
You knew this would happen
You and your dreams
You and your ‘one’
You and your inability to accept the cards you have been dealt
You and your refusal to accept that love is just a chemical
A reaction to pleasure and security
That is always false, always fleeting…
Silly woman: whose learned nothing from the girl
Having gathered nothing from your past
Didn’t you know she could never really love you?
Didn’t you see the hand you were dealt
Before it was laid on the table?
Didn’t you know to run, run – fast, far away
From the inception?
Didn’t you know to run before she could hurt you more than all those before?
Didn’t you know that a happy fantasy was far better than this painful reality?
Didn’t you know that anything that looks too good to be true,
Probably is…?

As I question everything I’ve come to know
Suddenly realizing I knew nothing
Suddenly knowing that you loved a fantasy
A voice on a phone
An idea
A concept
Who was never really me at all…
No matter how much I bore my soul to you…
It wasn’t real, because you did not see me –
You only saw your idea of me.
Or who you wanted to see
Or who you needed me to be.

Knowing now that I was an escape route
A way out…a way into…the place that you wanted to be
Only that was never really with me…or even yourself

Silly me
Because I fell for the real thing…your face plastered to my eyes
Forever gazing at me that way you do…
Aiding my beautiful lie…
Making me believe with all my heart,
That you were meant to be mine.
‘Cause I am ‘your ONE’…right? Right.

And now I am living, hoping, dying…
Just to breath. Because my very breath
Depends upon the words you say.

So please tell me.

Am I breathing?


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

UNTITLED (Anticipation)

::Anticipation::

What is it about you That keeps my mind From straying too far From the sound of your voice for long? 
What is it about your voice That calms and excites me Both soothes and ignites within me A passion too frightening to explore While my fear subsides Whenever I choose to rest near Intuitive truth 
I am afraid to let my imagination run wild For fear of disappointment Yet more afraid of the possibility That my mind’s eye could be exceeded only by reality 
But are you real? 
I'm wondering while wandering if I am Already residing in a place of no return Unless I allow what is meant To unfold To be To manifest Fully And incorporate it’s self Into some fold or facet of destiny To merge with me And render us seamless 
What compelled me to even begin? Was it inevitable? Or did I just will it; will YOU into existence Setting into motion Unfolding events to match my erratic, yet Unwavering desires? 
Do you know me, us, infinitely? Or am I, in my wanting of satiation So transparent That you can slip into my fantasy, As easily as I slip into a negligee to fulfill yours? 
Your words caress my intellect And the far reaching parts of me As if you’ve been reading my journals Since the age of innocence As if you’ve anticipated Prepared and rehearsed for me Forever 
And try as I may I can’t seem to run, or turn, or pause, or hide, or decelerate, Or move – beyond this place And I must know what the ending will be… 

— Copyright © AnOmali 101

IF YOU WERE HERE

If you were here…

I would touch you and hold you and let you cry until all the pain subsides
As I whispered in your ear how I could never allow myself to hurt you like that again
That there is never a reason to let myself go at your expense…never an excuse,
Never any pardon for anger strong enough to damage the sum of what we share.

I would stroke your cheek, play in your hair, kiss your forehead
And try my best make you feel secure in the most insecure moment of us

I would caress your body – and pull you close to me
Squeezing you tight, to make you feel my heart
Skipping beats from the pain I’d caused you

I would not say I love you – because I’d know in this moment
You’d need to feel…and hearing would fall on deaf ears…

So I would stroke you – allow you to place my hands where you desired them most…
Allow you to take whatever you wanted, needed from me
Giving you all…
Without words
Until I cried your tears
And the river of us flowed into the ocean
Until the river of us ran dry…
Until the river of us was reborn from the depths of the Earth
And thus made whole

If you were here – none of this would be…
If you were here – I’d be more like me…
If you were here…
If only you were here…

I’m sorry.


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

IMAGINED SONG

IMAGINED SONG

I am captured by:

Your touch, your taste, your kiss
Your sweetness, your caress, your trembling
Your sighs, your moans, your screams
Your thrusting, your clutching, your needing
Your knowing
Your calling, your yearning
Your wanting
Your flow, your crescendo, your climax
Your highest note
Hit repeatedly
Piercing the soul of me
Making me utterly yours…

You are pure song
My imagined song
The music that dances along my inner thighs
The melody of you etched upon my breasts
Upon my heart
Sacred
Haunting
Ringing on and on

I sing you with every move
With every note
With every thought
With every stroke

And upon the height of symphony
You are the perfect harmony
Without which no song is complete

And I am captured indeed

Trapped within your bars
Moving slowly from treble to bass,
Treble to bass
And back again
Waiting for sweet release
But praying that you will sing me forever,
And ever,
And ever…

Amen.

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –


One day, I pray this song is about a real-life, breathing, living, permanent 'ONE' as it was written for the one who's form I've yet to see, but who's soul I've known forever... For now, it will remain a gift to the current, consistent, and eternal love of my life: MUSIC...

~A

BIOGRAPHY: ÅnØmålî

(An Introduction)

An old spirit with a childlike nature
I'm guarded, yet open
All wrapped in one
I am one of God's stranger creations
The word, AnOmali
Now isn't that fun?

I am without the constraints of perfection
I am both the boy and the girl
I like to be bad
And yet I crave correction
I hate to be boxed
And my box is this world

I live in the open yet you do not see me
And it seems you hear less
The louder I scream
I've met you halfway and yet you will not meet me
You're choking me love
And I just want to breathe

Don't I have the right to exist as was chosen?
A square peg, a round hole
Even though I don't fit
All of your ideas, they are rigid and frozen
I simply am
Categorize this

I wish to know truth if truth is for knowing
I wish to know love without silly rules
I wish to know what
Will come after the sewing
I anxiously wait
'Cause that time will come soon

A stranger on Earth, cliché though it may be
I'd rather be lonely
If there I am free
And I may never know love
In the way that best suits me
But I will remain, true to me true to me true to me...

An AnOmali


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

CRIME SCENE

For a moment you were my safe place
I existed more as myself
Than ever before in your gaze
I allowed you access to my secret places…
Sealed windows and locked doors
A house that had been boarded up for ions

From the moment of connect
The first repeated glances
The conception of the bond
That seemed so new yet so ancient, eternal

Opened myself wide and I loved you
Opened myself wide and I trusted you
Opened myself wide and I gave to you all that I possessed
Though you never thought it much
All I asked was that you didn’t touch…

And I let you hold the little girl inside of me
Let you know the woman whom I longed to be
The woman I would be: could be again…
With love and time

Let you hold her hand, and walk you into places
That had long since held up no trespassing signs
Barred by yellow tape
Covered with chalk outlines
Tracing the figure of the many reinvented and deceased
Versions of the girl who once lived
Inside of the woman you claimed to see with such clarity

She thought that you had come to investigate the scene
Solve the case and bring her safely home
Or at least into that safe place that you had so briefly become

But you were only there out of curiosity
To tamper with the evidence
To leave prints on the few places that weren’t already soiled
Reopening wounds, peeling scabs
Ripping apart the many scars left by your many predecessors
Power tripping off of the taste of all of that fresh blood
Rejecting all the remnants of herself, which she gave with all her heart
And you ran away, leaving just slowly enough to leave yet another footprint
On her soul


Even then I adored you
Because I SAW you, really SAW you
Like I see you now

And I cried…
I cried for all that would not be
And for the girl who used to be me
And for all the times that she had died before
And so what would it matter
If she died once more

Then I closed all the windows
Locked all the doors
And boarded up the house
Put up a “going out of business sale” sign and waited
Held a final clearance sale and waited
Hoping that maybe on sale
You’d see she had some worth
Like an abandoned building that with restoration
Can sell for twice the buying price
Like a cheap antique at a garage sale
Once polished and cared for, surprisingly holds great value
Like that good old classic and cliché diamond in the rough…

I held up my sign…and waited
Going…going…gone…
Sold to the highest bidder
But no one came to my sale
No one was there
No one at all
Not even me

And one last time, we died, she and I
But this time
No crime scene
No yellow tape
No chalk outlines
No ghosts, no investigation, no rescue attempts,
No point, since there was clearly no worth

And absolutely NO fucking trespassing

Just a sign which clearly reads for anyone who becomes too curious:
“Closed For Business”
And an empty space to symbolize all that ever was,
And all that will never be…


– Copyright © AnOmali™ —

I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE

I don't believe in love no more
Don't see the point to try
Don't believe in dreams no more
'Cause, baby, all my dreams have died
I don't believe in happy ends
'Cause all the endings made me cry
And you usurped all my hope in love
When you LIED

I don't believe in fairy tales
They never do come true
Don't believe in magic spells
No, not cast on me and you
Used to believe in all these things
But all these things - your love defied!
Now all I really do believe in, baby,
Is GOODBYE...


– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

After The Fact...

Somehow I think I failed to say
Just how I feel
Just how I feel
Just how I feel about you

I guess my pride got in the way
Of how I feel
Of how I feel
Of how I feel about you

I meant to say you already have my heart
I meant to say you already have my respect
I meant to tell you my intuition says trust you
Even when my past says, “fight for your life”

I tried to tell you I was falling
I tried to tell you I was hurting
I tried to tell you I was afraid
But my fear restrained my words
And my head restrained my heart

And so I neglected to tell you
That I am falling
That I am falling
That I am falling into you

I never allowed myself to believe
That this could be real
That our hearts were involved
That when we made love,
It was more than an act
That you could see me, feel me, hear me
That our connection was more than superficial,
An initial attraction that would quickly fade…

I could not quite accept
That you really did care
That I really should trust you
That in such a short time
‘We’ were worth the risk
And I could let go
That I should let go

I looked for the exit sign
I expected you to exit left
Leaving me to ponder why I ever let you in

I never considered
That you did not plan to leave…

And then all at once
I realized I was losing you
I realized I was bruising you
As you continued to bump your head
Against the walls of my fear

Then much too late
I grasps the truth that
I did not want to lose you
Or fight you, or fear you
Or push you away

Somehow my need to feel safe
No longer outweighed my need
To feel, just to feel
Because I finally realized
That I had found something real.

Funny how it takes tragedy
To bring about epiphanies
And mine was simply how I feel
Just how I feel
Just how I feel
About you


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

If GOD Turned Your Dreams Into Your Destiny...

What would you do? Who would you be?


I am in this strange space of constant and uncomfortable personal and spiritual growth... Nothing is what it seems, and nothing is going quite the way I planned. I am changing and evolving in unexpected ways, the world around me is in a constant state of flux, and there are new lessons every day regarding the pursuit of destiny, purpose and truth...

Since I've been in this space, there have been a few songs that have been ministering to me profoundly (which is, of course, because music is my LIFE, and at present, also my MATE!!! - lol)...

One of these songs is a song that my Praise & Worship team in church sings often...and yesterday it really seeped into my spirit and blessed the mess out of me (I had an epiphany of sorts). It is a very simple song with a very simple message... So, I decided to pass it on to you. I pray that you listen to it, commit it to memory, and then apply it to EVERY area of your life...

The words are as follows:

NO LIMITS

No limits
No boundaries
I see increase
All around me
Stretch forth
Break forth
I see increase
Enlarge my territory

Take the limits off
Take the limits off
Release me
Release me

Say what you heard
So you can see what you say

Enlarge my territory

- Israel & New Breed -


This song includes elements of the prayer of Jabez, which is something I believe that everyone should read and commit to memory, and a prayer I intend to resume revisiting daily (I have really not been on point with my prayer life lately - but that changed YESTERDAY!)... It also incorporates some basic principles...one being that "life and death is in the power of the tongue" - thus, this song is confessional..."speaking those things that be not as though they were"... Everyone is on this new age kick about thinking and speaking positivity...but that is NOT new...the Bible has taught that for millennia...

This song also incorporates one of the keys to success in all things in life...FAITH! Believing that you can give God the reigns over your life and He will NOT let you down... He can do anything but fail...even when it seems as if nothing is going your way...

If I can leave only one impression on you (and myself) today...it is that where there is life, there is HOPE! It is never too late to begin again, to strive towards a goal, to pursue your dreams, to pick yourself up from a fall, to gain a new perspective, to get to know GOD, and to turn all of this over to Him and allow Him access to every area of your life so He can take the limits off of your mind and life, and you can take the limits off of the ways He can bless you (get out of His way!). In the words of one of my favorite songs: "I dare you to move like today never happened before!"

Sometimes what seems like a disaster is preparation for a blessing and is simply God getting us out of our comfort zone!

My Bible tells me that "He will do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we can ask or think"... Oprah lives and summarizes this philosophy best:

"GOD DREAMS THE BIGGER DREAM!"

I love you ALL!

Be Infinitely Blessed!


~A

PS: I am dedicating this blog to Eros (among others)...you know why *smile*. Be encouraged... ~A

---

I Wrote A Song A Year Or So Ago During A Time Of Introspection (The Mirror Can Be Your Best Friend and Worst Enemy: EVERYONE Should Spend Time Allowing God To Deal w/ Them In One). I believe I will spend the rest of my life seeking the answers to the questions this song poses? I think that many of these questions apply to ALL people, so maybe you should ask them of yourselves as well...


WHEN YOUR DREAMS BECOME TRUTH
(Introspection)

What do you get when you add it all up?
And what will you do when enough is enough?
And what holds you back when you've nothing to lose?
And where will you hide when your dreams become truth?

If God left it up to you who would you be?
Would you turn your dreams into your destiny?
If you made a million tell me how would you live?
Would you spend it all or have something to give?

What's your motivation for being a star?
Do you have a purpose; do you like who you are?
When your name's in big lights tell me will it all change?
Will you sell your soul for the price of fame?

When you've finally made it will it be worth it all?
Will you inspire millions or do nothing but fall?
Please tell me the ending like it's all up to you.
Tell me where will you hide when your dreams become truth?

– Copyright © AnOmali 101 –

OUT OF MY HEAD

You are the total opposite of him
The utter epitome of the opposing idea
For what I imagined being right
Of who I imagined being right for me
But the truth is no one ever felt more right to me
And I hate you for that;
‘Cause I love you for that
You are everything I’ve grown to dread
And I just want you out of my head

You don’t look a thing like him
You don’t act a thing like him
You are nothing like me
We don’t believe in the same things
We believe only in opposing things – in the same way
With the same passion, the same lust, the same vigor, the same extreme
And you still make me smile against my will
But you’d rather make me cry, as you remind me of the special ‘we’
That in your mind never deserved to exist because I don’t deserve to exist
Because anomalies can’t be real
You’re such a sadist the way you slyly convey to me
That you’ve never known another me
But no matter how special or unique
You could never want a ‘me’ anyway
Sometimes you make me feel like I’d rather be dead
And I just want you out of my head

You love me so well, you’re loathing is exquisite
You see me so clearly; you don’t see me at all
I’ve heard your cries, felt your longings,
Known your passion, tasted of your sensuality
I know you as you know me, with no explanations, no logic
If there was ever any knowing at all
You have no heart; You have my heart
And you have no right anywhere near my mind…
You should have never said those things nasty things you said
And I just want you out of my fucking head

You think I am strange and cold
That I am incapable of changing
You think that I am too strong, too feisty, too dominant
You think nothing fazes me, that no one phases me
You think I’m not real
I’m an anomaly, therefore I shouldn’t; no, can’t exist
But I do – and I’ve changed so much because of you
So much for your theory on the anatomy of me
Now who’s the anomaly, Mr. one least likely
When you seem like a dream
That haunts my Mr. Right List
Is not what he seems
And stays on my “want to fight” list
But if I’m the anomaly – then why are you here?
I just want some peace,
And I want to want what I used to want
And to be who I used to be
Before the fantasy of you invaded the space of my reality
I want my straight laced, tall, chocolate, suburban,
Intellectual, anti-hip-hop, six-figure making,
Non-threatening andantes who worships the ground I walk on,
Likes my flaws, doesn’t love me so much
That he wants to make me better than I am,
Doesn’t love me so well that he makes me need to be better than I am
Because I’m just fine being me in his eyes
I want the man who loves what I love, who likes what I like
Who doesn’t make me question everything I’ve ever known
And everything about myself
I want the one who doesn’t make me feel like
I have to jump through hoops and prove my worth
Because his very presence makes me feel unworthy
I want to want the man, who is a reflection of me
Because he looks like me, because he acts like me, because he feels like me
I want to not look in the mirror and NOT see altered reflections of you

You can ignore 90% percent of all I just said
‘cause mostly, mostly, I just want you
Out of my head


- Copyright © AnOmali 101 -

WATER

WATER
(First Written Somewhere Between 1998-2000 / First Posted In September 2005)

Love, Like Water, Comes In Many Forms...: Liquid, Vapor, And Ice...It would be so wonderful if we could keep that in mind at all times and see love in all of it's various forms when it comes... It's much like the Trinity...and true love is manifested from the Trinity (GOD)...so I suppose that would make sense (in my mind anyway)... My first love (Who I spent seven long years with, and literally grew up with), has become my best friend in my adult life... He is the one who knows me truest and best, even though my life has changed in such drastic ways ;). His unconditional love throughout the process of my 'becoming' the woman I am today, and throughout my last two, most serious, and most temultuous relationships has really blessed me...especially since the one who has my heart at present continues to take me for granted, and puts me through unnecessary pain without any reason provoked by anything beyond their own issues...(other than maybe I love them too much, too well, and still foolishly have a hard time putting ME first when it comes to those close to my heart...I'm growing)...  I digress...

So:  In the spirit of true love, in all of it's forms, I thought it fitting to honor someone who's unconditional love and understanding of me never waivers, even though everything about the two of us has changed...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"WATER"
(For My First Love:  TAC)

In a place where no one lives
In a place where no one goes
Our love runs deep and wide
And like a river there it flows

My heart goes there sometimes
When I'm living out my fears
It is there I cry for you
And the river takes my tears

It is in this place alone
Where love touches destiny
Where it swallows all our failure
And it greets eternity

In true love there is no time
And no designated space
And our spirits pure and bold
Meld as one in stunning grace

Though fate has been unkind
Love caged deep within our souls
'Cause we were meant for different worlds
And must play predestined roles

In stolen moments I escape
To where I know you wait for me
And I bask within your sunshine
And our matchless memories

See although we cannot be
And though we only have what was
Love exists beyond our realm
It's bigger than both of us

And where our tears have landed blooms
A flawless, perfect rose
And our love outlives forever
And like a river; there it flows


– Copyright © 2000 AnOmali 101 –